NewDay12

Hi everyone.

I am new to this site and I have to say that it's been a while coming. For the past four years I have tried to control my drinking, and sometimes it worked. Sometimes I had a good time, but most times I ended up hurting myself, making bad decisions, or saying horrible, ugly things to my best friend and the person that I love. I don't want to risk losing that person and I am sick and tired of waking up sick and tired. I have used alcohol to cope with stress and feelings of inadequacy, but then I just end up getting down on myself, sinking deeper into a depression, and doing God knows what damage to my body and brain. I have invested way too much time and energy into building a life worth living and I do not need to risk it all because I want a glass of wine. It used to be that I didn't even like drinking. I could take it or leave it. But after working in a night club for years and using alcohol to loosen up or to forget about things I didn't want to remember, it's no longer a healthy relationship that I have with this drug. I don't know if I truly ever had a health relationship with it, but I sure as heck don't now. I know this may seem petty and juvenile, but I think the hardest part about sobriety for me is going to be having to answer the question "why aren't you drinking" when I go out with friends and family. I rationally know that it makes me a stronger and healthier person to be able to say no to alcohol, but I do feel like I would be admitting to some weakness, and I have issues with that already. Then again, last night I said some pretty terrible things to the person I care about the most (like, really, really terrible) and when I woke up this morning I didn't remember anything because I had blacked out. I was honestly surprised and confused about what I had done when he told me to go F-myself, and after hearing the horrible things I said I don't blame him. I guess I am beating myself up now, and the things that I said were not things that I had ever thought about or considered before, so it's not like I let a dirty secret slip. I honestly just have no idea where those comments came from.

At this point, all I know is that I can be a pretty terrible mean drunk person, and when I'm not terrible and mean I am at least insensitive to other's feelings (which is totally not me, I am usually a very considerate and caring person).

So this is the first day of a long path that I am embarking on now towards sobriety. It's a new day and any advice people could give me who have had more experience with this monster than I've had would be greatly appreciated.

Scolova

Welcome!
I harbored lots of resentments (at myself and others) for most of my life. I got to the point that the anger was eating me up from the inside and I just kept doing the same thing over and over again. Drink myself silly, wake up in hell, Stuck in the cycle.
I know I cannot have 'just one drink' because that 'one drink' never ends.
I've had to look reality straight in the face and admit that there is not a casual drinker inside of me, at all, I am a binge drinker. For as long as I live, that will be the case, I may relapse in the future but I can only hope that the lessons I have learned in my 14 (+) months of healing\recovery (along with the great support here) can get me through that as well.
I wish you the best. It's not easy of course, but recovery is completely worth the hard work that you have to go through early on.

Member

I completely empathize with the fear of having to explain whilst I dont drink, it is one of the major things putting me off giving up. I mean, my dad and I always have wine together with dinner when I visit him, how can I tell me parents that I think I am an alcoholic? There's a limit to how often I can pretend to be on antibiotics!

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR NewDay

Please, please, please do not worry yourself with this question right now! This was my pet thing with sobriety too. I nearly worried myself to death over it. My feelings changed so much in a matter of months. I went from nearly crying and scurrying away if someone asked me why I wasn't drinking to being all proud and nonchalant about it. Forget about it You need to go through the emotions of it all. I think it's like a grieving process. But I guarantee you will not be concerned about that forever x

Hevyn

Welcome to the family, NewDay. You'll find so much help and encouragement here. Glad you are taking a look at what drinking is doing to your life.

I used to be able to control the amounts I drank - many years ago. Eventually, this 'progressive disease' completely took over my life. When I finally quit I was drinking all day, every day. I never dreamed that could happen to me.

Glad you are here - you won't have to suffer the way many of us have. You can do this.

NewDay12

Thank you. I know I am probably blowing it up in my head to be a bigger deal than it will be. The other thing is that I have a roommate who does not seem to have a drinking problem, but she does keep wine and stuff around the house. I don't want it to be an issue with us, but I also don't want it to be a trigger for me and cause me to relapse, or even just be on my mind constantly that I cannot have it because its right in front of me when I am cooking dinner.

hypochondriac

It isn't easy being around alcohol in the early days but it doesn't make it impossible. Unfortunately it is pretty hard to create the perfect conditions for quitting (unless you go to rehab), but it is all stuff you have to deal with at some point so there is some positives for learning to deal with it early on. It would probably be best to look into some recovery programs to learn some tools for keeping you sober. AVRT and SMART have some good stuff, and I'm pretty sure all the AA literature is available free on line. I found distraction helped, just going for a walk or reading. I really had to keep my mind busy. I found it hard to be around alcohol for quite a few months but that does get easier x