Member

Hello everyone,

first of all I apologize for doing what everyone must do, posting a description of my situation which I am sure you have heard before and asking for advice which I probably donts want to hear.

I am just 25 years old, yesterday was my Birthday. I have always liked drinking and do so with a sort of bluster and machismo, being honest with myself I suspect I tried to use heavy drinking to build a "manly" image of myself to hide other failings and insecurities.

Anyway, I do not drink every day, I do not find it difficult to go for days or even weeks without drinking, I rarely drink in the morning (only if I am watching sport in another timezone) and dont drink alone often. However, when I do drink I FREQUENTLY drink to black out stage, and whilst in blackouts I do and say EXTREMELY bad things. It doesnt always end in a blackout - usually I can drink three or four before I hit that "tipping point" where I cant stop, and every now and again I can drink more than that and still not drink outrageously, but it does still happen. Last night for example I finished the temporary job I have been doing and went out for drinks with a couple of coworkers - I hit blackout stage very quickly and now have no idea what I said or did for the last two hours but could have done something horrendous - I may never find out, but it bothers me to think that most probably come monday morning I will be the subject of office gossip when previously I was popular and well regarded there.

So I know the simple solution is just "dont drink". But there are many reasons why this does not appeal. a) I cannot bear the thought of never being able to drink wine with my food, or good scotch ever again - drinking for the effect of drunkenness is only part of why I drink, I also love the flavour. b) I dont like the idea of having to tell all my friends that I am on the wagon, c) I honestly cant see how I can have a social life without drinking as I am entirely dependent on it for social confidence.

The really annoying thing is that up until that blackout stage I am really good - the alcohol makes me witty, conversational, eloquent and basically into quite a memorable character. Those who part company with me before I hit blackout leave with a very positive impression of me. I just wish there was some way I could avoid the blackouts, some way I could drink without them or stop just before them?

suki44883

I think most of us have been in your situation, member. That is pretty much the norm when it comes to being unable to control our drinking. Once our brain recognizes that alcohol has been introduced, we no longer have control of how much we drink. That is the textbook definition of alcoholic.

You will have to reach the point where those excuses you laid out above aren't as important as finding recovery. Some people never do reach that point. I hope you aren't one of those people.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.

freeatlast1313

Member, hello and welcome to SR.
I have blacked out in my younger days of over doing it. I would find I would ingest too quickly then my body/mind would become overtaken and the next day my friends would tell me the embarassing details. That put me off alcohol, that was enough for me. I wish I had some really great sage wisdom to impart here but I do not. Would it be possible for you to speak to a professional about this or maybe attend an AA meeting or two ? Alcoholism is a progessive disease but it sounds like you are still at a stage where , with some guidance you could turn it around. There is so much good stuff on this site, please read the posts , the experience of others may help you tremendously. I wish you the best in this and hope to see more posts from you.
Free

Member

Exactly - I have come to terms with the fact that at some point I will have to give up drinking entirely, but at my age it seems like a long long life to get through without ever being able to drink! Ideally for me would be to give up at the age of 35 or something, but I am worried about the damage I could do in that 10 years (social damage, my health does not concern me much at this point.

Does anyone have any methods that they use to prevent blackouts? I heard there are some "sobriety pills" in the pipeline which prevent you from getting seriously drunk, those sound like a dream come true?

hypochondriac

We all had those misconceptions about alcohol Member. Sometimes I think that the definition of an alcoholic is someone who ascribes magical powers to alcohol

We all want to drink without consequences. Unfortunately that's not possible. It's ace that you are coming to realise this at your age. I had a similar thing to you in my early 20's and although I managed to avoid blacking out, or at least being anywhere public when I did, I did get other unfortunate consequences I could have lived without. There will always be negative consequences. It just depends how many you can live with before you seek recovery, where you'll draw the line.

Glad you're here x

jakec

I can relate a lot. When I first started using and drinking I used it as a way to feel comfortable in social settings. Unfortunately I became dependent on it to be happy.

My advice to you is, maybe write down a list of things you don't like about yourself when your drinking.. you could use it as a reminder before you go out with your friends to not drink.. it may be awkward to be out sober at first, thats beause you're so used to being intoxicated out in public, being sober is new territory, it just takes some time to get used to!

Good luck!

Sazzle

I was the sane as you. A binge drinker, not an everyday drinker. It tools months of uncomfortable reading on hear to realise I was an alcoholic and I chose to go to AA to help me (and this board of course). I read tales on hear about how it is a progressive disease. I tried moderation for 18months. I just couldn't deal with making an a$$ of myself anymore and wading through life not really feeling things.

A sobriety pill would not do anything to limit the damage to organs & your overall health. Why not just quit for a trial period, say 30-60 days, and see if you can leave it.

S x

Member

Well the thing is every now and then at university I tried going to parties sober and it was a disaster, I just sat by myself the whole time and couldnt interact with anyone.

Going 30 days without a drink would be very easy for me but it would require me to be completely insular. I also do not have a girlfriend and am quite lonely and do not think I have the slightest capability to get one without the confidence of alcohol. I dont think I have ever made a single new friend or become intimate with a girl through any sober activity.

jakec

Have you ever considered going to counseling? Or seeing a psychiatrist?

It might help you with your social anxiety/awkwardness.. maybe they could put you on antidepressents which can help with social anxiety.

Member

I am absolutely terrified of antidepressants because, without wishing to be arrogant, I am quite academically gifted and am so fearful that they would dull my mental faculties.

Another difficulty with my situation is that I travel around a LOT and am rarely in the same place for very long, which makes attending AA meetings or regular counselling sessions rather difficult.

soberbythesea

It sounds like you are making a lot of excuses Member. I'm not saying that to judge you, we have all been there. If you are going to get and stay sober, you will have to get to the point where you decide that alcohol is screwing up your life enough that staying sober becomes more important than any of the things you list above (using alcohol to boost your "confidence," as a social lubricant, because you like the taste etc etc.)

Quite simply, the pain of NOT stopping has to become greater to you than the perceived pain of stopping. It sounds like you're not sure you're there yet. I hope that you arrive at that point without doing too much further damage to yourself.

You have the power to choose sobriety any time. We are all here to help you if and when you do make that decision. Good luck.

hypochondriac

Many of us turned to alcohol because we found it hard to interact with people. Then we drank a wee bit too much and made a tit out of ourselves! Oh the irony

You do not have to be insular to be sober. Seeing as you're at uni could you join some clubs or something. Do a sober activity which means you get to meet new people and will have to interact with them without resorting to booze.

Also stick around here and look into some recovery material. Read AA's Big Book online, or check out things like AVRT or SMART recovery. Personally I like Allan Carr's book Easyway to control your drinking. He changed the way I view addiction. Very helpful.

I know it is hard to contemplate being sober forever, but if it helps any I really wish I had done it at your age. I'm only 6 years older than you but I lost too much self respect and life skills in that time. I basically stopped growing as a person because of my drinking. You'll probably find that there are very few downsides to being sober and that you are a better person for it x

escapist

Yes, I have been in your situation. I wish I would have known then what I know now. There is a lot more information and help now than there was when I was 25. Take advantage if it. Good Luck.

Maylie

Have you ever thought of having a trusted friend video tape you out and drinking from start to finish? Sometimes we think that we are witty and that people are enjoying our convorsation but when we see what we actually are like..it is a completely different story.

Member

Haha yeah I get you - I remember that Homer Simpson quote about beer being the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems - I feel like that, like every good thing which has happened to me has come through booze but so has all the bad things - so it is when the memory of the bad things is more recent and painful that I start to think like this and research sobriety and the like, but then after a while of not drinking (and being bored and lonely) I start getting sweet memories of the good things and that makes me want to go out and drink.

Also I am no longer at university, I graduated a year ago. University was where I developed my drinking habits seriously, though I had a tendency towards unhealthy drinking long before. In fact I remember at about 6 years old discovering the adults punch bowl at a barbecue and going through about eight glasses.

Member

Oh God I cant imagine anything worse - you know, the funny thing is I cant even imagine what I am actually like when in a blackout - it seems impossible that I do the things I am told I do. Also, somehow I ALWAYS manage to navigate the most complex and arduous journeys home and always wake up in my own bed - how do I retain that level of mental ability?

suki44883

Member, alcoholism is progressive. It always gets worse, never better, unless you stop drinking. I drank for over 30 years before I ever saw any negative effects. One of these times while you are navigating the most complex and arduous journeys home, don't be surprised if you wake up in jail, or worse.

All we can do is warn you. All we can do is suggest that you take this seriously. If you refuse to do so, there will come a time when you will look back and wish you had.

Member

I am taking it seriously, but I think complete abstinence for the rest of my life is something I am incapable of and I would be setting myself up to fail. I just need to try and construct some method or some strategy to prevent me hitting the blackouts.

I am going to introduce a new policy whereby if I blackout I am not allowed to touch another drop of alcohol for two weeks.

hypochondriac

Just noticed you are in the UK Member... there is loads of free help here. Ring drinkline and find out where your local drug and alcohol agency is. They can do 'harm reduction' type stuff with you and help you manage your drinking. I think we will all tell you not to waste your time as it doesn't get better if you carry on drinking, but I understand you need to find that out for yourself. But even so I think having support to cut down or quit or whatever is a really good idea. Good luck x

p.s. Love that Homer Simpson quote

suki44883

Bargains. We all tried to bargain with ourselves. Threaten ourselves. Come up with plans on how we can drink and not blackout. Believe me, I am not laughing at you. I know how insidious alcoholism is. Many of us spent years and years trying to figure out a way to moderate our drinking. Alcoholics cannot moderate. Period. It might work for a while, but not long term.

IF you are alcoholic, none of your bargains, schemes, plans, threats or anything else will work. But, I know that just hearing us say that doesn't change anything. You have to find out for yourself. Just know that Sober Recovery will be here if you finally decide that the only way to save yourself is to seek recovery. Good luck to you, and I mean that most sincerely.