The Battle Continues... just so disgusted!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Paul,
Welcome back! It sounds like you have many wonderful things going for you right now. I have tried stopping g many times before as well. I was on and off SR and today is day 36.
I have three great kids, a husband and a job I enjoy, but each day I still struggle to avoid drinking. I am feeling much better the past month, and know I am making healthy choices for me and my kids. It isn't easy, try reading around and posting in here when you have that urge (part of the reason I am on here nightly!)
Looking forward to reading more if your posts.
Welcome back! It sounds like you have many wonderful things going for you right now. I have tried stopping g many times before as well. I was on and off SR and today is day 36.
I have three great kids, a husband and a job I enjoy, but each day I still struggle to avoid drinking. I am feeling much better the past month, and know I am making healthy choices for me and my kids. It isn't easy, try reading around and posting in here when you have that urge (part of the reason I am on here nightly!)
Looking forward to reading more if your posts.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Welcome back Paul! I also wondered how you were doing...glad to hear that so many things are going right for you.
You have the same chance mentally not to drink as anyone else does. Only you can decide when you're ready to quit. I knew I had a problem years ago and wish I had quit back then, but that's my experience. I do hope you won't wait until it's progressed beyond your control or something bad happens to you.
You have the same chance mentally not to drink as anyone else does. Only you can decide when you're ready to quit. I knew I had a problem years ago and wish I had quit back then, but that's my experience. I do hope you won't wait until it's progressed beyond your control or something bad happens to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Thank you all very much for your comments. It's very inspirational to know there are people that actually care, especially those that care about me no matter how stubborn and arrogant I am. And I know it sounds cliche... but this means a lot. You are the only ones in the world I have ever talked to about this. So when I come to this site I feel so free. Just getting it all off my chest.
After reading the comments I just have a few things to respond to before I respond to individual comments later. I have studied AVRT, I have read the Big Book, I have read the Bible multiple times. I have studied alcoholism, I have seen the absolute worst alcoholics there is, I have experienced a very alcoholic mother, a horribly alcoholic girlfriend in the past, lost family members to alcoholism, etc. So my knowledge of the subject I feel is solid. My problem is 100% pure stubbornness and ignorance and alcoholism. I honestly feel inside that based on what I have been around in my life that I am actually proud of myself for not being an "extreme" alcoholic. And I convince myself that my mom who was an alcoholic for 20 years (not a super crazy alcoholic, but drank a bottle of wine+ almost every night). Then at 44 she found God again, quit cold turkey, and has not drank a single drop of alcohol for 8 years. She went from someone I despised in my life to one of my biggest role models.
But the sad part is, I feel like since my mom did this and was able to kick it and succeed after 44, that I have plenty of time. That is my problem... I push everything off to tomorrow. It's always tomorrow. I have so many excuses.
To me, it seems like I'm a hardcore alcoholic if I have "time" to be one. But for some reason if I have obligations, those are more important than alcohol. So when I lost my job and had nothing to do all day and lived by myself... I "couldn't" resist the temptation of alcohol. I became a full on sip alcohol most of the day alcoholic. Before I had my girlfriend, I used to drink as much as possible on weekends and recover for work on Monday. So there is something inside of me that can fulfill obligations, but the second there are no obligations I drink. When I'm done with work I drink, when I'm done with hockey I drink, when I'm done hanging out with my girlfriend or she falls asleep, I drink, etc.
I'm a straight alcoholic and have been for over 2 years. Things are getting better but that craving and lack of self control is still there.
You guys are amazing. Thank you for all the kind words and support.
After reading the comments I just have a few things to respond to before I respond to individual comments later. I have studied AVRT, I have read the Big Book, I have read the Bible multiple times. I have studied alcoholism, I have seen the absolute worst alcoholics there is, I have experienced a very alcoholic mother, a horribly alcoholic girlfriend in the past, lost family members to alcoholism, etc. So my knowledge of the subject I feel is solid. My problem is 100% pure stubbornness and ignorance and alcoholism. I honestly feel inside that based on what I have been around in my life that I am actually proud of myself for not being an "extreme" alcoholic. And I convince myself that my mom who was an alcoholic for 20 years (not a super crazy alcoholic, but drank a bottle of wine+ almost every night). Then at 44 she found God again, quit cold turkey, and has not drank a single drop of alcohol for 8 years. She went from someone I despised in my life to one of my biggest role models.
But the sad part is, I feel like since my mom did this and was able to kick it and succeed after 44, that I have plenty of time. That is my problem... I push everything off to tomorrow. It's always tomorrow. I have so many excuses.
To me, it seems like I'm a hardcore alcoholic if I have "time" to be one. But for some reason if I have obligations, those are more important than alcohol. So when I lost my job and had nothing to do all day and lived by myself... I "couldn't" resist the temptation of alcohol. I became a full on sip alcohol most of the day alcoholic. Before I had my girlfriend, I used to drink as much as possible on weekends and recover for work on Monday. So there is something inside of me that can fulfill obligations, but the second there are no obligations I drink. When I'm done with work I drink, when I'm done with hockey I drink, when I'm done hanging out with my girlfriend or she falls asleep, I drink, etc.
I'm a straight alcoholic and have been for over 2 years. Things are getting better but that craving and lack of self control is still there.
You guys are amazing. Thank you for all the kind words and support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
I feel you bro, I am having a hard time stopping. Been tough. I am trying to see this psych for depression issues, and she wants me to stop for 30 days... I am on day 5... it been hard to get past 10... It seems other addicts think I should just lie and continue to drink, and you don't know how much I want to!!! I want to so bad! My roommates were drinking earlier, and we have alcohol here so I can get it just by walking to my fridge. I know I shouldn't, I told my gf I would... and the damn psych wants to see how my liver is doing, and if my issues are not alcohol induced. So I am trying to stick with my weak guns here on saying no. Trying to find strength in my gf, my mom, former self that is in me somewhere!
I am going to have a rough time watching the UCLA vs. USC game tomorrow without beer, I am going to try to fill myself up with lemonade, tea, snacks, anything to get my mind off that shizzz
I wish you the best, and hope you really don't screw up your liver brah, thats the last thing we all want. Having some beers with the pops while making some tacos sounds good as hell
I am going to have a rough time watching the UCLA vs. USC game tomorrow without beer, I am going to try to fill myself up with lemonade, tea, snacks, anything to get my mind off that shizzz
I wish you the best, and hope you really don't screw up your liver brah, thats the last thing we all want. Having some beers with the pops while making some tacos sounds good as hell
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Dont you think that you could openly discuss your fears with mom? She's been there and would be supportive?
you can read all the books and materials to learn about the neurological effects of alcoholism, but you can work a simple program to not WANT to drink too.
if i overthink things i get to wrapped up in theories
you can read all the books and materials to learn about the neurological effects of alcoholism, but you can work a simple program to not WANT to drink too.
if i overthink things i get to wrapped up in theories
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by MesoFreak 
I feel you bro, I am having a hard time stopping. Been tough. I am trying to see this psych for depression issues, and she wants me to stop for 30 days... I am on day 5... it been hard to get past 10... It seems other addicts think I should just lie and continue to drink, and you don't know how much I want to!!! I want to so bad! My roommates were drinking earlier, and we have alcohol here so I can get it just by walking to my fridge. I know I shouldn't, I told my gf I would... and the damn psych wants to see how my liver is doing, and if my issues are not alcohol induced. So I am trying to stick with my weak guns here on saying no. Trying to find strength in my gf, my mom, former self that is in me somewhere!
I am going to have a rough time watching the UCLA vs. USC game tomorrow without beer, I am going to try to fill myself up with lemonade, tea, snacks, anything to get my mind off that shizzz
I wish you the best, and hope you really don't screw up your liver brah, thats the last thing we all want. Having some beers with the pops while making some tacos sounds good as hell
I am going to have a rough time watching the UCLA vs. USC game tomorrow without beer, I am going to try to fill myself up with lemonade, tea, snacks, anything to get my mind off that shizzz
I wish you the best, and hope you really don't screw up your liver brah, thats the last thing we all want. Having some beers with the pops while making some tacos sounds good as hell
I am actually a fairly normal guy in real life. It's in my own head that I can not control. Gambling addictions, caffeine addictions, Hydroxicut addictions (not because I was fat, but for work out purposes).
Anyways, good luck on the game tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words also. Means a lot to hear similar stories and just know we are not alone. Go DUCKS!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by Fandy
Dont you think that you could openly discuss your fears with mom? She's been there and would be supportive?
you can read all the books and materials to learn about the neurological effects of alcoholism, but you can work a simple program to not WANT to drink too.
if i overthink things i get to wrapped up in theories
you can read all the books and materials to learn about the neurological effects of alcoholism, but you can work a simple program to not WANT to drink too.
if i overthink things i get to wrapped up in theories
I'm just so stubborn, I can not follow any programs that I do not create. Everything I read I already have a predisposition before reading. I think I can beat it, but at the same time I realize I'm just one of millions who think that but fail. And obviously after 5 months I have not beat it yet. So I'm not really confident. I just don't know what the correct work or explanation is. It's like I know I'm on the path of killing myself but at the same time I feel like I have "time" to make the change.
I don't know what to do
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
There is no law that says you cant make and follow your own plan. Truly it is what i do. And i can change it if i want to.
For example im going out on a date today, shopping and dinner. I know i want to feel good, but im trying to draw on my own self-confidence, not the booze talking.
If you had a son and saw him struggling as you do, what would you tell him?
For example im going out on a date today, shopping and dinner. I know i want to feel good, but im trying to draw on my own self-confidence, not the booze talking.
If you had a son and saw him struggling as you do, what would you tell him?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by pauladmits
Haha, you speak my language bro. College football is my biggest vice along with 1000 other things. It's like I'm talking to myself! I saw a psych about concentration issues. She said I had OCPD and Bi-Polar II. So I took Ritalin for awhile but my heart started going crazy with the Ritalin, red bull, and alcohol I was drinking. So she got pissed at me and told me she wasn't given me any medication until I stopped drinking.
I am actually a fairly normal guy in real life. It's in my own head that I can not control. Gambling addictions, caffeine addictions, Hydroxicut addictions (not because I was fat, but for work out purposes).
Anyways, good luck on the game tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words also. Means a lot to hear similar stories and just know we are not alone. Go DUCKS!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am actually a fairly normal guy in real life. It's in my own head that I can not control. Gambling addictions, caffeine addictions, Hydroxicut addictions (not because I was fat, but for work out purposes).
Anyways, good luck on the game tomorrow. Thanks for the kind words also. Means a lot to hear similar stories and just know we are not alone. Go DUCKS!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like we have that addictive personality because I also get addicted to various things also: Working out, drinking, cocaine, video games, etc. I need to learn balance instead of going balls to the wall on one thing.
The Ducks are killing it this year. I would like to see the Ducks vs. K-State; another team killing it this year. I love college ball more than the NFL. My team: Arizona Wildcats... I know they suck but I won't betray them
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Paul, like Fandy, I pretty much made up and follow my own plan. The crux of my plan is balance. I use exercise, meditation, reading and of course, SR has been my lifeline for years. If you want to create a program of your own, go for it, follow it, and free yourself from the chains.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
paul,
I have missed you! Infact, I didn't even know you posted - just searched for threads started by you to see if you had posted lately! Sounds to me like you are on the fence, and I understand. Another way to think about it is that you are having a hard time quitting because nothing adverse enough has happened, or you have not "hit bottom" yet. I hope you don't wait for that to happen...it can be a nightmare. best wishes.
I have missed you! Infact, I didn't even know you posted - just searched for threads started by you to see if you had posted lately! Sounds to me like you are on the fence, and I understand. Another way to think about it is that you are having a hard time quitting because nothing adverse enough has happened, or you have not "hit bottom" yet. I hope you don't wait for that to happen...it can be a nightmare. best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Paul,
There will always be someone who in your mind is a "worse" alcoholic then you. Until the day you die this will be so.
If you wait till you are the worst alcoholic you know, how hard do you think it will be to quit then?
I am 50. Don't you think I wish I had never started drinking daily 12 years ago? Don't you think I wish someone younger could learn from my lost years? Someone, such as yourself? If you needed to lose an extra 50 lbs, would you say, aw... I'll wait till I am 100 lbs over weight before losing it. Would you say, hey, obesity runs in my family, it could be worse, why I know someone who weighed 300 lbs plus before they quit.. "
Or would you think of how severely your health would be compromised at 100 lbs overweight, and how much harder it will be to quit?
Why wait? What if that voice that says to wait, is your Addiction talking?
There will always be someone who in your mind is a "worse" alcoholic then you. Until the day you die this will be so.
If you wait till you are the worst alcoholic you know, how hard do you think it will be to quit then?
I am 50. Don't you think I wish I had never started drinking daily 12 years ago? Don't you think I wish someone younger could learn from my lost years? Someone, such as yourself? If you needed to lose an extra 50 lbs, would you say, aw... I'll wait till I am 100 lbs over weight before losing it. Would you say, hey, obesity runs in my family, it could be worse, why I know someone who weighed 300 lbs plus before they quit.. "
Or would you think of how severely your health would be compromised at 100 lbs overweight, and how much harder it will be to quit?
Why wait? What if that voice that says to wait, is your Addiction talking?
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