sothisisit

I now have over 14 months sober and a number of things have come to mind today. While I'm grateful for the time with out alcohol, I don't pat myself on the back too much as I've learned through painful experience that it and a couple of dollars will get me a coffee at Starbucks. I can only get by 24 hours at a time.

I'm still picking up the pieces of the damage I've done and face a lot of difficulty. The last few days have been rather brutal and have wanted to run away. The risk of running to the liquor store has been there. A good friend last night said that last year he was concerned that I was suicidal. That took me totally by surprise as it has never been a conscious thought. However, looking at the amount I drank, my lifestyle and the bad choices I made, my behaviour certainly indicated that I was at risk. Doctors don't shake their head while they are reading blood work results in an ER and say to me that they have never seen a blood alcohol level as high unless there is something terribly wrong.

Fortunately, today, no matter how down I feel, I run through the video tape of what happens when I pick up that first drink. That helps a lot.

But even more than that, I want to express thanks to everyone on this forum, both those who have been here a while and the absolute newcomer who is new to all things recovery and scared and anxious of what to do. Because of you I have not done anything self destructive yesterday and today. I don't plan to tomorrow either.

The culture of support here on this forum has been critical for me the last couple of days.

Fernaceman

Great post and thank you for sharing that.

Dee74

I'm sorry you still feel that way sothisisit, and I'm not being condescending there.
I couldn't imagine many things worse than still feeling like the other shoe is about to drop after 14 months.

I figured I needed to do two things - stop drinking...and be happy about that.
There's a whole lot of stuff that goes into that second bit.

I had to find other solutions to my problems...if my only solution to any issue is to want to go back to the bottle it's like water on stone...sooner or later I'm likely to be worn down.

What other changes have you made in your life beyond just not drinking?
What's your support network like?

D

sothisisit

Thanks for asking.

I have a network of people which is a major difference from previous attempts at sobriety so that helps for sure. That includes friends and other people in recovery, an addiction counsellor, and I'm seeing a new psychotherapist next week as well. I have a long history of depression which existed before alcoholism. Without alcohol I can't self medicate anymore so that is a big issue for me.

What I meant in my post is that I don't take anything for granted. I've been through periods of sobriety before and relapsed. I do not want to do that again because I know I will not survive another one.

Part of being sober is having to face reality and deal with it and not all of it is pleasant in my case. Drinking isn't going to make that go away.

Dee74

yeah I had to deal with my drinking and those underlying issues like my depression too.

I really hope your new therapist can help sothisisit

D