iseult

Where do I begin?

I'm young, in my 20's, and never thought (like most of us no matter what age) that I was an alcoholic. I could take or leave alcohol. Then one day two years ago, I suddenly couldn't. Within months I was a full blown alcoholic. I was lucky, I reached out for help but refused to put the work into it- I wanted it all done for me like everything else in my life had always been. So I went through periods of sobriety, periods of relapse and worse withdrawals each time.

Without going into the whole story, I'm currently living abroad and have been for a few years. I was set to get married in a few months. Neither of us have been happy recently, mostly because I've been discontent and in "emotional relapse." I was a dry drunk. Then after our engagement party, I was a wet drunk. A very wet drunk. I ended up in the hospital but managed to get someone to bring me alcohol. We're very cunning and convincing people aren't we? My fiance found it, I hit him and tried to get it back.

That was the turning point for me. What the hell had I become?

I never put work into AA, recovery, or myself. I would hear in meetings that I went to sporadically that there's a moment of clarity, where it clicks in your head you're an alcoholic. It finally happened for me.

I've only been sober a week, but I've been to a meeting everyday, supplementing it with online meetings. I've bought every piece of literature I can, signed up for the local addiction services for counseling and CBT, and am doing everything in my power to do this once and for all. Hell, I even got a new job yesterday- a really good one that will help me get my life forward.

The problem is, even though I never did any of these actions before, I've said these words a thousand times. My fiance told me today he's done- how many times have I said these things and begged him not to leave me? Wedding is cancelled, he doesn't want to get our new house, and he can't commit to me. Not only do I lose the love of my life, our future, and the life we planned, but I'm going to lose the country that has been my home for several years to go back to my home country. Where I have nothing, no one, no prospects. And will lose the support I've already had here that has helped me in more ways than I could ever say.

Last night at a meeting, someone said you have to live a day at a time- living in the future makes you manipulative. I can't control him, I can't make him be with me, but by god the serenity prayer is not working right now and I'm terrified. He doesn't understand, and he's scared that I can't make any promises.

I can't make promises I won't drink again, but I also can't promise that I won't get cancer, or get hit by a car, or miscarry a child. Just like he can't promise he won't get ill or lose his job, etc. Life and marriage is trials, but he doesn't think he can face this trial.

I thank god the clarity came to me because otherwise I'd be getting a bottle right now. Instead, I'm here, praying that one of you out there will read this and be there for me.

I'm sorry this is long winded. Thank you.

Windancer

I am here for you! Welcome to SR and good for you for saying the words AND making a plan. Like most of us, this early stage you are going through can be really really tough. Especially with the recent news of your cancelled wedding. But honestly, in my opinion I think you are better off to hold off on that for now anyway until you are stronger. It can take a LOT of energy to focus on recovering! My ex broke up with me several monthes ago and I thought it was the end of the world. It is only now in hindsight that I really left him little choice. So I do understand how you feel. Best of luck and keep posting to let us know how you are!

iseult

I'm fine with cancelling the wedding- the whole thing was a nightmare anyway and I'm glad it's postponed- however now he's saying instead of postponement, he wants to cancel all together. It's the losing him completely I'm struggling with, and it's not as if I live somewhere that I can get my own place and we can go from there. If we end it, that's it. I have to leave. I don't have any means of my own to start over on my own here. So it's not only losing him and the life he planned, but having to go back to a place 6000 miles away where I haven't lived in years and have nothing there. I'm losing my home as well. Thanks for your support- I'm really struggling.

Windancer

Its really scary isnt it! But it will get better. My ex and I were going to get married too...although he didnt move so far away and I was able to move into my parents basement apartment. After that happened, I got worse. I hope you dont do the same thing. I thought my world had ended and had nothing to lose. Well guess what. I had a lot more to lose. I got a second DUI, am now facing jail time, and have almost gotten myself thrown out on the street several times.
But you know what? I am learning to cope...and I now have contact with my ex its *almost* like we are beginning to court again. But he isnt my main priority anymore....I am my main priority. In the end I think thats what he wanted to see, yet it surprises me to see how much more independant I am now and how much more ready I am for a great relationship. I didnt realize at the time what I was actually doing to him...to me, and to us. Right now it is ME who doesnt want a full commitment....although I do hope sometime in the future it is possible with my ex. Only time will tell. These feelings will pass if you stay strong and look after yourself as best you can!