hesabitdaft

I started drinking and smoking weed at 12, I loved it, progressed to LSD and pills, magic mushrooms and speed at 14, still loved it, by 17 my friends, we had a really tight group going on, decided heroin was the way forward.

Bare with me, my demon is booze, drugs just clouded this for a while. I had an amazing, creative and beautiful group of friends at 17, we got drunk, took drugs and had a fantastic time for years.

When heroin came on the scene I ditched them all, even though we had been friends since day one at primary school, 4 years old, well most of them.

I loved getting smashed but come on guys, heroin? I moved to a different town and disowned them after many failed protests that pills and spills and LSD were fun, heroin, really?

The only one of our gang to not get a smack habit was me, there were 7 of us, 3 died from OD's, one is in and out of prison and still in constant battle with heroin, one went to rehab, got clean (12 years) and is now an excellent teacher, one is now a household name as a celebrity, the other is internationally acclaimed in his creative field. I have to be vague about this as you will know them and this can't get out, the last one is me.

We took drugs, made plans and got messy. Three of us died, four of us didn't, we have a teacher, a celebrity, a famous artist and me left. Of course it hurts all our souls that our tight gang of teenage laughs turned out so different and so tragic.

I moved away because heroin made me frightened, I carried on taking softer drugs for a good few years, cocaine came to me after a while but it was free because I knew an importer but I only took it because it was free, I thought it was rubbish and over rated, it is!

I am 37 now, I gave drugs up when I was 24, one day I decided that drugs were fun but stupid and I wanted to get on with being an adult, making money, getting married, having kids, leaving the 90's culture where it needed leaving, an amazing time to be a part of but how many pills can you dance on before you lose it?

So I gave up drugs, one day, easy as that, I had done drugs, be it weed, speed, LSD, mushrooms, cocaine, MDMA, I've done heroin and crack twice each too, I'd done them almost everyday for ten years or so and on this day I said that's enough of that. It was easy, I just decided not to take drugs any more so I didn't. I can't stop drinking though.

What wasn't clear at the time was that as well as the drugs we took we drank booze, lots of booze. That was ok though, most peoples Grandmas get drunk now and then, it is legal, not that expensive, socially acceptable, drinking booze is fine, often expected (YOU DON'T DRINK?).

So I'm 24, off drugs and I want to make money so I do, lots of it, I set up many business ventures that made me loads of money, go me, I had money to burn. At 28 I had paid for my house, had a silly car, spent lots of money on things I didn't need but in fairness took all my friends on holiday, probably the best thing I did with my cash?

I'm a mountaineer, I love climbing mountains, big ones, this is not cheap! I decided at 28 to sell my house and use all the money I had made to go and climb stuff, I became quite well known in the climbing community, I accomplished a fair bit, I moved to London and lived the high life, didn't get a job because I had money, it ran out, I'm an alcoholic, its the way it goes.

I take really good care of myself, I eat well, sleep well, I'm 37 but have a muscular and well defined body, no matter how smashed I get at night I go to the gym, or for a run, or walk 20 miles the next day, I am in peak physical condition but........

I drink about 25 units of alcohol a day, have done for years, I am an alcoholic and I know it but I have not lost any friends because of this and I'm still fit and active, I have two children from a previous relationship who are 8 and 10 years old, they adore me, its mutual, I have never let them down or been late
(or drunk) when picking them up.

Because I climb stuff there are times I have to train, I pretend to quit drinking but I don't, I just contain it for a bit.

The crux for me is, I have lived for maybe 20 years as an alcoholic but just done stuff drunk that you shouldn't, like climbing mountains, fine. I have lots of friends, my relationship with my kids is great, I have achieved some immense things, I'm in good shape, I do drink a lot of booze every day but would I swap the things I have done with anyone? Probably not?

Do I want to stop drinking? Yes please.

I am not at rock bottom, my life has been full, interesting, crazy, beautiful, dangerous and immense, do not get me wrong, I am an addict, my alcoholism is not something to be proud of but it is a part of me and I have never bowed down to it, I have tried to control it and failed, I have done things while drunk that you should never do, I have a love affair with my drinking, it has made me who I am and I like myself, believe it or not, I do.

So I recognise I have a serious problem with alcohol, if I need to train and get fit for an expedition I can give up, I don't shake, get depressed or feel any ill effects other than day one which is like a normal hangover, I do not understand my relationship with booze? For me a normal day is go to the gym, work hard for 8 hours, go to pub, drink 3 to 6 pints, then home for a bottle of wine, then a couple of large whiskeys, bed. Repeat. If I decide not to drink because I am training for something one day of feeling a bit off then no problem, day two feel fine, sleep well, all good.

BUT, here I am writing an essay about it on a forum for people in recovery. I am an alcoholic I suppose, I do recognise this, I'm not in denial but so far I'm achieving my goals, in good health, messed up on booze though?

Any thoughts, don't be shy, feel free to totally go for it, rip me apart, I will be as honest as I can be in my feedback to this.

doggonecarl

here's a funny story.....

I must have missed the punchline.

Welcome to SR. You may not be an alcoholic. But if you continue to drink at the levels you are, it will take it's toll on your health. And if you are alcoholic, perhaps at the early stages, it will progress. You're thinking about it. That's good. Try quitting for a couple of months. Your stuggle, or lack of one, will tell you a lot about your problem.

Cleopatra1

hey hes,,, i so totally get your post!! im 38,, did the rave seen tha acid house the free festys,, the clubs and then the gear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
got hooked for a couple of yrs but got off it and havent touched class a for 12 yrs now,,, but the booze,,, wow thats ***** easy to get , its legal and its cheap,, compared to other drugs!!!!!!
i found it sooooo hard to knock the booze on the ed,, in fact its harder than gear as far as im concerned,, cos its blimming everywhere and evry social occasion is rvloved around it,,,, so i so know where your coming from here.
im glad i did that 90s thang tho,,, wouldnt change it for the world,, wow what a revolution we wre in hey??
but ive now been sober for nearly 2 weeks,, cos i wnated to,,, i dont go to aa or any of that,,, just my willpowre and a great book called rational recovery,,, get in on amazon,, and i havent had any cravings and feel so fab its ace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i take kudzu,, which is an anti craving vitamin,, its helped and so what ? its not blimmin meds from my gp for gods sake,,, try it?

so from a fellow "90s chick " well your a geeze yah? so,, a fellow raver!! take care and just go for it,, i love climbimg too, did an e4 in symonds yat last year ,, it was amazing for my 1st go,,, and di a bunjee too!!!!
now thats a buzz phew,,
good luck,, keep posting lv xx cleo xxxxxxxxxxx ps im in poole uk xxxx

hesabitdaft

an E4? your post reads like a night out back in the day, amazing, love it xx

hesabitdaft

when I started I had a funny story to tell, as my fingers got busy it got lost!

the punchline was, "that is why I was found up a tree in Kathmandu with seven stray dogs tied to it". now you have the punchline my friend, but no story, it is a really good story and also true.

hesabitdaft

on a more serious note I do often detox, as I call it, but I used to be able to do a month or two but now I can't seem to do more than ten days

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Hesabitdaft

I think I was maybe at the stage you are a few years before I quit drinking. I never let anyone down, lost relationships... all that stuff. I was very aware that alcohol was a massive crutch to me and when I tried to stop drinking I just got worse, until I finally quit with the help of people here.

You remind me a bit of me too because you've just written a list of all the things you have managed to do in spite of your drinking. That kinda comes under the heading of minimising your drinking problem and side tracking from the real issues here. I managed to achieve a lot while I was drinking too. But the problem, aside from the inevitable health and anxiety problems I got, was that I was avoiding a lot of emotional stuff and used alcohol as a coping mechanism. It's a bad one and will generally turn on you. I felt really narked that I had this dependence, and it is an amazing thing to actually realise I don't need it anymore.

You sound like a pretty strong person so it's a shame to let something like this get the better of you. Don't underestimate your drinking and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You'll find lots of support here x