sothisisit

Glad to find this forum.
I am now 14 months dry. I am living in a transition program for people who have completed rehab and its o.k. As it is time limited I have to start looking for a place to live, which is creating a lot af anxiety as I don't have much money.
I haven't worked full time since 2010 and have gone through my financial resources to the point of being bankrupt; something else I have to deal with at some point soon. 2010 was bad as I had a bit too much money after a settlement from work after being laid off, and too much time. I ended up drinking alone in my apartment most of the time. During that year I ended up getting 2 impaired driving charges which I plead guilty to and did some jail time. This ruins a previously perfect criminal record. The worst run in I've had with the law was an illegal turn years ago. I still have to face the fact I was too depressed to show up for probation and will more than likely have to do more time. I'm hoping a letter from a shrink will help with that.
I have worked full time since I finished university, been married and have an amazing 18 year old son who is excelling in engineering in university and have a good relationship with him. So, I am dry but am suffering horrible depression, not just because of my situation, I have always had it and was even diagnosed with it clinically. I recently went back on anti-depressants but they are not helping (not that they ever did).
There are some people who care about me (including my ex wife who has remained a great friend). The problem is that they really don't understand why I don't find work and get my act together. I feel paralyzed and don't even want to leave my small apartment to go for a walk.
For me, one of the worst aspects of all this is that I was a mental health professional for 25 years and know objectively what is happening to me but it doesn't help. I'm not the sort of person who goes on and on about this stuff, I'm not interested in "woe is me" self indulgence, but its just getting too brutal emotionally.

2granddaughters

I did a 90 day rehab in Brentwood (Windsor, ON) in 1989 and into AA from there.

Committing to AA saved my life.

All the best.

Bob R

Hevyn

I'm glad you posted about your feelings. I hope it helps you feel a bit less anxious. It doesn't sound self-indulgent to me. These are real emotions that need to be addressed.

Natom

Sometimes just letting stuff out helps mate. I can relate to certain things in your post. I am much younger than you but I also experienced bankruptcy. The best advice I can give you is to SEEK free advice. I don't know what it's like in Canada but in the UK there are companies and charities that give free debt counselling and pretty much put your bankruptcy together for you. It removes a lot of the stress from the situation.

The only thing you can do is deal with things in manageable chunks, not too much, not too little.

Natom.

Dee74

welcome sothisisit
I know you'll find a lot of support here

D

Anna

I agree that it doesn't sound indulgent to take care of yourself at this time. It sounds like the right thing to do.

Sasha4

Your ex wife is a good friend, could she help you out? I don't mean financially but help you deal with your fears and anxieties? Maybe provide you with a bit company as you start to move forward?

I wish you the best
x

sothisisit

Thanks to everyone for responding.

Yes my ex is a great friend and we have both put in a lot of hard work over 10 years after splitting up to overcome the damage my alcoholism and her own issues we have done to each other and others. In part to give our child as stable an environment as possible, but also because we do like each other.

The dilemma is that there is co-dependancy on numerous levels and it has some unhealthy results. Its a tricky balancing act to keep boundaries healthy.

It is all the stuff that has surfaced after 14 months of sobriety that I'm struggling with emotionally. I feel like a person I tried to bury years ago is coming to life and some of it I find disconcerting.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

For me, one of the worst aspects of all this is that I was a mental health professional for 25 years and know objectively what is happening to me but it doesn't help.

I understand. I'm an analytical person by nature and I'm capable of over anlayzing the hell out of stuff and then suffering "paralysis because of analysis."

AA has helped me to get, and stay, sober. Learning to live my life in 24 hour increments and not get paralyzed with worry about the future or guilt about the past has been one of the most valuable skills I've gained.

There is more to getting sober than quitting drinking.

Heck, I've "quit" hunderds of times. It wasn't until I learned to change my beliefs and my behaviors that I've managed to stay sober.

sothisisit

The biggest hurdle I've had to over come is to stop asking; "why do I drinK?" The only answer I can give is that it doesn't matter why. I simply can't drink. That was huge for me.

Not all questions have an answer.