lilgolden73

I hate the fact that I am so uneasy ALL the time whether there is is something to be uneasy about or not!!!! I think I am one of those people who can't just be....always has to have chaos, even when I don't need or want it. My bestie said during our argument that I create my own chaos and it got me thinking, do I self sabotage? Do I create chaos subconcsiously because of a chaotic childhood? How do I stop this madness . The longer I'm sober the less I like anything about me

Pondlady

I think those of us who grow up in chaotic homes, become "crisis oriented". If things are going smoothly, we feel uncomfortable and create a crisis - so our life seems familiar again. Learning to be comfortable with routine takes time....enough time where we understand the benefits and it feels familiar.

I know you don't want to give in. A year from now.....we can be transformed or not....but still a year will have passed......let's be transformed

YoungAndClean

My higher power gives me peace and calms my mania and discontent. When I focus on God all my other worries just melt away.

lilgolden73

Your both right...realizing all these negative things about myself however is NOT easy, In the past...I drowned this nonsense out...sigh...

Weasel1966

LG.... I know people that create their own chaos. I understand it. It's not so much about self sabotage but, like you said, being somewhat manic about things. Smaller things can become more than they need to be.

Learning about all these negative things? I know this is a big change... Getting and staying sober.... It is for me. But I try very hard to find even the smallest of good things about myself. Even when I am struggling. It's vital for me.

Drinking and drugs presents me with so many negative thoughts about myself and life that I am my only respite.

I hope you come to discover many new and wonderful things about yourself.

K

Pondlady

Lola,
Yup - we drank thinking we were "fixing" a problem...but in reality, made it worse We can do the work and will be all the better for it. I find these self improvements hit all areas of my life...think that is what AA folks mean when they say stopping drinking is just the fist step.

Now as Dr. Laura would say ( ugh ! ) "Go out and have a great day!"

onlythetruth

Yes, this "creating our own chaos" thing is no illusion! It's as if the chaos itself can be addictive, another way of distracting ourselves from reality.

About a year after I quit drinking I was complaining to a friend that my life was boring. She'd quit an addiction too, and she looked at me knowingly. "Yeah, that feeling of boredom? Some of us call that serenity."

escapist

I used to have a friend who called me DT. It stood for Drama and Trauma. I grew up under the most deplorable circumstances. I am always remarkably calm and together when I am in an actual crisis. It is daily problems I can't seem to handle. People around me will say, "That's just life. no big deal" I feel like I have missed out on the great truth of life that everyone else seems to know. When I am drinking I am to numb dumb to assess myself.

lilgolden73

Escapist, I am the same way, good in a crisis, a hot mess with everything else...FML! Thanks for the advice people....now to find me some anti-chaos garlic or something to put around my neck to keep the craziness away...hee hee!

solstice3

LG, my ex-boyfriend used to say that I 'manufacture crises'. Took me years afterward to really know what he meant. I do, and I think I have a big fear of success. Somehow I will put a problem in my path that can create a crisis later on. Why? Because I can solve crises! I'm good at that part. And its an excuse to drink during the worrying beforehand and the celebrating afterwards - for me at least.

lilgolden73

I know exactly what you mean....sigh...