astrochef87

I was in a methadone maintenance program for almost 3 years when I decided it was time to ween myself off. January of this year I started detoxing weekly. At first 8mg from 90, then 7mg from 82, to 75mg. In 2 weeks. I did alright.
I then began a 2mg/week withdrawal NONSTOP until 3 weeks ago. During this withdrawal I have been angry more than once, but I am not an angry person. I am very spiritual, empathetic to all, and generally a nurturing soul.
When I was angry, it was at myself. For letting all these things happen. For not realizing what was happening and being able to stop it. For every bad thing done to me during my years of drug abuse.
However, I instead of channeling my anger efficiently, took it out on my loving and devoted man. I said things I did not mean, never even thought of before, but they came out. I am not sure how to explain to him that this isn't the person I will be in a month, that I am nearly through the "agitated" part of the detox. I am afraid I'm going to lose him and never be able to show him that wasn't me.
What can I say to him to help him understand that the feelings are those unrelated to our actual souls? That in my heart of hearts I am not an angry person, that I only want to show love and that is why I am getting off of methadone, I am tired of the heartache. I am ready to be more.

Anna

I'm glad you're working on weaning off the methadone. I don't know that you can convince your SO that you're not the angry person, but perhaps you can show him as you change. Hopefully he will see the changes in you.

YoungAndClean

Getting off that stuff is so hard, if he knew how hard it actually was he'd cut you some slack. Tell him your trying to do one of the hardest things of your life and there will be a short period of time when you arent your rosey kind-hearted self. Tell him thats reality, and your sorry everything cant be perfect at the moment. Things change, your doing so well having decided to get off the methadone and move in the right direction. You will get your old self back i promise you that and more if you keep moving towards recovery. Try not to get discouraged and use SR as an encouragement to fight the good fight because were all in this together pushing towards happy destiny.

artsoul

Welcome astrochef -

I think you explained it pretty well..... It might help if he read a little, too, and educated himself on the topic.

Glad you're here and getting drug-free - good luck! Just take it a day at a time and know it will get better. Check out our substance abuse forum, too:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

astrochef87

It feels so nice to have people understand. To know that I am not alone in this and I am not crazy. This is the HARDEST thing I have ever or will ever do. I am doing it for me, because I now realize I could have relapsed already with this fight we're going through. In a way, I think it is good because it showed me the true extent that things can go to.

I have asked him to read about methadone but he said he got scared once he found "overdose" information. What should I ask him to read? He truly thinks I am angry person and it kills me. All I want is for this to be over and show him the love he deserves.

astrochef87

Thanks for the encouragement, I need to hear it, as much as I hate to admit it!