VinnieUbriaco

It's 4:15 am and I'm sitting here drinking a glass of sherry, trying to figure out what the hell to say in my first post. Forgive me if it seems a bit rambling and lacking in focus.

I'm a maintenance drinker; I drink throughout the day most days and thus far have managed to sustain a modicum of functional alcoholism. I'm well-aware that this is not a sustainable lifestyle. It's only in the last couple of years that it's occurred to me that I use alcohol to deal with an undercurrent of anxiety that has plagued my life for a long time. I don't have panic attacks - which have always been the hallmark of anxiety disorders to me - but there's an undercurrent of anxiety that feels like the slow burn of an aching muscle, relief from which is only found in alcohol. The lack of panic attacks combined with my self-anesthesization have contributed to the delay in recognition of my problem. I want to stop but I don't know how else to deal with the anxiety. I don't even know if it's the anxiety that's caused the alcoholism or the alcoholism that is causing the anxiety. I'm inclined towards the former, but at this point the chicken-or-the-egg debate is moot; they're both self-perpetuating eachother.

I guess I'll leave it at this for now. Thanks for reading.
Vin

Sazzle

Welcome to SR vin. I found that it was the matter for me once I have up (and got past the first week of increased anxiety). I find things easier, although I'm still a newbie. I discovered that work was difficult because if alcohol and not my work causing my drinking. A bit if a lightbulb moment.

Whatever you choose, even if its just to read around here for a bit and tackle it later, you know you're in good company now.

S x

renaldo

Hi Vinnie,

I'm in the same boat. I don't have panic attacks, but there is an undercurrent of despair about the future. I do what I can to better my circumstances. Currently I've started a job, but it's part time, temporary, seasonal, with no health benefits. It seems the only time in the day I have fun is when I drink beer and do stuff on the computer.

In many cases, securing work these days REQUIRES being on the computer. For this job I'm working now I had to fill out a bunch of forms online and read their guidelines online. It took 3 hours for a job that pays one dollar over minimum wage and is only going to last 2 months 15-20 hours per week. Don't drink beer while I'm going through all this time consuming stuff online? It takes the edge off tedious stuff.

Life on life's terms sucks, drinking or not.

I think I might have a panic attack though if I stopped drinking altogether. Things like zippers that don't work properly get my ire worked up enough as it is. I'm a mild mannered person, but a malfunctioning zipper when I'm trying to get out the door for an appointment leaves me screaming all kinds of obscenities.

I saw a guy coming out of a liquor store on the East Coast in the winter and the zipper on his jacket was jammed and he couldn't zip it up. He was off in his own personal hell, flailing around, yelling to himself, "Goddamit all to f***in' hell!" I've been there.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Vin

I wasn't a maintenance drinker but I had really bad anxiety caused by drinking which has completely disappeared since I stopped drinking. I had a constant underlying anxiety when I was anywhere else but at home drinking, and had frequent panic attacks. All of that 'blind fear' panic has left me now. What I am left with now is probably what I had before I started drinking, a healthy anxiety about normal every day life stuff. I just handled it badly is all. Drinking is not a good solution to anxiety. Talk to a doctor, maybe some medication or talking therapy can help while you quit. You're in the right place x

flutter

I was in that cycle too.. I thought I had crushing anxiety that alcohol was numbing, but I found it disappeared after I stopped drinking. Now, I'll have normal type anxiety about something but it is NOT that totally crazy panicky anxiety that alcohol caused in me. Stick around, lots of support and experience here

VinnieUbriaco

@renaldo - Regarding trivial annoyances being blown way out of proportion, I just attempted to brew a pot of coffee and the filter folded over resulting in grounds getting into the decanter. I reacted in a similar way to the individual you described coming out of the liquor store. It's a good thing my girlfriend is a sound sleeper.

@hypo - Thanks for the reply. I made an appointment with a doctor but it's not until December. Honestly, I'm looking forward to it and I'm not much for doctors.

VinnieUbriaco

I wish I knew how not to drink. My life is surrounded by it. I work in the alcohol industry. My girlfriend is an alcoholic as well, although our styles differ. (She tends to binge on the weekends and drink moderately through the week and has expressed a desire to quit). All of my friends are regular drinkers as well as my family. It's hard to know where to go for support, I guess that's why I'm here.

scamp6

Hey Vinnie, I can't really give advice because I am VERY new. I have been sober 6 days. It hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, but it IS getting better. I feel better today than I have in a long time. I did want to share with you that I completely get your situation. My husband is also a long-time alcoholic and all of our friends drink a lot. It seems like every aspect of my life has revolved around alcohol for so many years. I have just taken ONE day at a time, (sometimes hour by hour). Hang around SR every chance you get. It has helped me through a rough first week. Good luck!

renaldo

I've been there, done that, and have the T-shirt (metaphorically). I don't scream to myself when I know that anyone is watching, so it builds up. But I don't think that malfunctioning zippers at an inopportune moment are a small deal. You're factoring in traffic snafus and trying to get to an appointment on time and the last thing you need is a screwed up zipper.

I get tired of the repetition of AA, but one thing I've heard really rang true:

For most people, when their car breaks down they call AAA. For alkies, we call the suicide hotline. A broken shoelace is enough to send us over the edge.

Like, if you curse at your shoelace, it's really going to get its act together and stop breaking?!? Probably should have replaced the shoelace before it got to be a make or break situation. Duh!

I'm saying that to myself. It's not addressed to you. I am an on-again, off-again member of Dufus Anonymous.

FreeFall

Welcome Vinnie! Glad you found SR. I've been sober for 4 months, and found the constant anxiety went away with the booze. I still have normal anxiety in reaction to stressful situations, but they're easier to deal with now. I found while drinking things got magnified out of proportion.

Your health is a great reason to stop-long term alcohol abuse can really wreak havoc on your body. Better to stop now than find out later that you've done irreparable damage. It can be done, even if you are in the alcohol industry, but that's bound to make it more of a challenge. Good luck in getting started!!