Said

Hi, I am a newcomer, codependant but trying to recover. I lived with a verbally abusive alcoholic/drug addict for 6 years, but was thrown out when I stopped the addictions in order to improve my health and lifestyle. He took up with an alcoholic, pot and heroin-addicted stripper, bought a new car and now they are married. I know through my work in Al-Anon, that it was a blessing on my part, but it is still very painful to think that he said i was sick and he would have a healthy relationship with her, that he said he would "never marry" me, but married her, and to see that they may be prospering, further enforcing the idea he put in my head that she was "better" than I . I am doing the best I can to erase the old tapes in my head created by low self-esteem, and trying to work my program to the best of my ability, but I guess I am posting here to try to gain some insight into what happened, what went wrong, and ways I can re-program my thinking so I don't continue blaming myself for the rest of my life. Thank you in advance for any replies you feel are applicable.

elihoping

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like you stopped playing your role in the co-dependent relationship and he couldn't handle it. Getting together with another addict allows him to continue his drinking/drugging. Marrying the other woman isn't a reflection on you, it just shows where he is with his addiction. In fact, him getting into that relationship just shows that you must be starting to recover from your co-dependency issues. Otherwise you'd still be there, minding him and neglecting yourself. You've no reason to blame yourself. I think it's wonderful you're working a program. Best of luck with it. x

Said

I was so thankful and relieved after receiving your post. I have been raking myself over the coals since this happened, and although I am doing as much research and working on myself as I can, it is so gratifying to have a kind word shared from so far away (yet so close). Many thanks,elihoping.

artsoul

Welcome, Said!
.
Congratulations for working on your recovery and codependency! (Take a look at the forums for Family/Friends of Substance Abusers - a lot of support there, too!)

Sounds to me like you're growing and he's not. He'd probably say anything to convince you (and himself) that he's just fine, got a better deal, etc...... he's not going to admit he's a loser, right?

You can get through this. Intellectually, you know he wasn't good for you, but you're still going to have feelings about it and that's totally normal.

I think it really is a blessing for you because 1. you showed yourself you were strong enough to get out and 2. it's made you aware of some things in yourself (like your insecurities and codependency) that you can now work on. It's hard to change our whole way of thinking overnight so try to be patient and loving with yourself, OK? Learn to be your own best friend. One day you'll look back on on this relationship and say "what was I thinking?"

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation Said - but I'm glad you've found us

You'll find a lot of support here and in the FF forum Artsoul mentioned

D

Said

I think that the holidays brought on a lot of feelings that I've been trying to supress/deal with. I am still feeling so awful about how I was treated and have been fantasizing that they have this perfect relationship where they are in perfect understanding of one another and there is no animosity or misunderstanding about their lives or feelings about each other. When I was with him, he just kept getting more resentful and angry with me, no matter what I did, but would not discuss any of our issues, I suppose to retain control. I tried so hard to be there for him, even when he had these crying tantrums about everyone taking advantage of him, and frequent freakouts about money, that wore me out as much as him. And after I left one night that he was screaming at me about how I had"slid off his pedestal and crashed to the ground" he tells me the next day that I'm not his "friend" anymore, and that the heroin addict is his "good friend"even though she "takes advantage of him" i.e. borrowing $400 for heroin. I know I have to forget all this, and stop being a martyr, etc. , but it just still HURTS so damn much, and I have flashbacks and these terrible bouts of guilt and trying to replay things as if I could have done them differently. It's just really hard to go on and try to trust myself and others, and to try to rewire my whole foundation for life. I've never complained about this before, and I don't mean to do it now, I am just scared.

Delilah1

Welcome to the SR family Said!!!

Wildflower7777

Hello Said. You know, it takes great courage to notice that something isn't working well for you and then to finally make a decision and follow through with it. Sometimes I think we hang onto some sort of hope that they can and will change and it is painful when they change you for a person who will continue to enable them. However, unless he has got treatment, the new addict wife will be receiving the same deal that you did. I have had the good fortune to see first-hand how it was with my boyfriend and his last partner. They stayed together for 6 years and he certainly took advantage of her generosity. I have been with him for just over one year and the issues we have are similar except that I have boundaries that he cannot violate and I refused to let him live with me. I have come to the end now though because I am tired of never really being able to relax. I am tired of the weekends when I am yet again disappointed because its all about him and his needs. I took him to the train station this morning after yet another very disappointing night. I told him to contact me when he can prioritize me over the alcohol. His response was to say 'Why would I bother?' I am now at home and it's peaceful. I want more for my life and although I really do love him, I love me more and want a partner who can reciprocate and be a real and caring equal partner. I feel sad and disappointed but intact and strong. He promised to take me out to dinner for my birthday tonight, and pay. Well, that isn't going to happen now, but I can take myself out for dinner and come home to a peaceful home. I could have chosen to keep the relationship going, but unless he gets treatment, this could still be going on in ten years. How do I know? My ex is still the same over 20 years and many girlfriends later. Now I am free to engage in a more healthy relationship with someone who can reciprocate. You might feel pain now, but as you learn to care for yourself more, you will keep your focus on you and what feels nourishing to you.

Said

I am so sorry that your boyfriend said "Why would I ?" about contacting you. They can be so callous and childish when you don't want to support their activities. I hope that your birthday was good, and that you did take yourself out for a nice dinner. You are right, of course, to stop the abuse and to care for yourself the best you can. I am just learning how to do this and things are getting better. We do deserve so much better in our lives. And I think you are probably right about the new addict wife-she is # 3, and I don't see him ever changing, just like your ex of 20 years. The lack of self-awareness is mind boggling-my therapist said he is just playing out the same pattern he always has, just with a different partner. I think I have been blessed and will try to hold on to this. Again, thank you.

Anna

Said, I think that we all have regrets in our lives. I know I do.

I believe that everything that happened in my life, has been for a reason and to bring me to the place I am today. I believe that we are here in order to learn and everything that happens to us, every person that passes through our lives, is for a reason.