Herder

I am 34 years of age. I have been drinking and taking drugs since my early teens, 13 I think. I used work in an industry where alcohol and drugs were accepted as the norm. It would not have been unusual to have 4 pints at lunch time and a quick spliff before climbing ladders 20 foot in the air with a 15kg lamp in one hand. I worked in theaters, music venues, night clubs on television sets. I worked a lot and often under the influence of drink or drugs.

I can remember getting ssick once and lying in bed thinking it was my first time going a day without drink for a few years. As well as working in an industry which was condusive to drinking and taking drugs I live in Ireland where it is probably more acceptable to be drunk than most places in the world. Drink is a part of everything here.

Every friend was through alcohol, every girlfriend I met through alcohol. The vast majority of job interviews I did were done over a pint.

I enjoyed it, not every minute of it but most of it. I enjoyed being drunk, I enjoyed being high. And I took everything, well most things you could think of out side of heroin or crack. Every thing I could get my hands on. I had good friends who I still have. they have grown up a bit but none have completly stopped. I have. For 77 days, I have not drank any alcohol, or taken any drugs, with the exception of enough caffeine to fill a bath tub and I smoked 2 pipes of weed. I'm off tobacco about two years. I used to smoke a lot of cigarettes- up to 50 or 60 on a good day probably. It makes me sick to think about it.

So for the majority of my life I've been drunk or hungover. And the entirety of my adult life.
Things started getting worse when I changed profession. I was drinking less frequently but when I drank I got stupid, drinking huge amounts, blacking out, drinking for long periods of time and I started to suffer mentally.

I've been trying to give up for a few years but the longest I did was two weeks I'd say before going slowly back into drinking more and more. My hangovers were honestly a large part of my giving up. That's the truth. There are other things. I have a 19 month old son now and a wife. And I want to be a good father and husband. I have a passion for breeding and training working dogs. I could not expect to be able to control them if I can not control myself. In a way they have given my life a purpose it did not have before. And my family have given me a reason to be a good example.

That is a brief version of the story so far. I typed '77 days sober' into a search engine tonight because I am having a weak moment, and found this site. Even typing this all out has already helped me remember the good and the bad.

Delilah1

77 days sober is huge!!! I am glad you found SR, I always find support and inspiration on here. I am on day 31 which is my longest time sober since having my son five years ago.

My kiddos are 5,7, and 9 and I wish I had stopped when they were the age of your son. Good for you for stopping for you and when your son is still young.

Welcome, Looking forward to seeing you on SR!

Hevyn

Welcome herder! That was a great post, we're so glad you joined us.

At 34 I saw my life spinning out of control, but I did nothing to stop it. I kept on my path of destruction for many more years, always insisting I could control myself and use willpower to just have 'a few'. I don't know why I was so determined to hold on to something that was damaging me and stealing my life.

This won't be you. You see what needs to be done and you're taking charge. Congratulations on your 77 days of sobriety. You will be free to pursue your dreams with a clear head. I love your idea of breeding & training working dogs. Nothing's out of reach when we aren't numb and foggy.

Herder

Another thing- every night for the last four or five my dreams have involved me drinking and I've woken up ashamed or feeling like I'd failed. I have regularly woken up and as full sure I was hungover for a while before remembering I had not drank in so long.

Hevyn

I had phantom hangovers, too. They stopped after a few months.

Delilah1

I have had dreams that I was drinking, and woke up relieved to find it was only a dream!

Herder

@Delilah, thanks very much for the words. 77 days ago I lay on the couch shaking and feeling guilty and feeling like a really bad person for about three days while my son wanted to play with me and my dogs were getting more and more wound up from not being exercised. I want to be a good example to my son. I feel like having children is a selfish act in ways, I am devoted to him.

Herder

@Heyvin, thank you for the welcome. I appreciate it. I have often been described as a control freak. Even when drinking large amounts I was very good at giving the impression of being in control. I was never a violent drunk, at least not by nature I am no shrinking violet I am 6'4'' and 16 stone. While drunk and high I detained a guy throwing empty bottles at people and traffic until police came and took him. I was able to work complicated technical jobs while drunk and high. I occasionally operated a lighting desk for live national television broadcasts (a kids show) having been up all night drinking and taking coke.
I suppose my point is (and I often don't have one) is that when I realised I was no longer in control that scared me. The extent to which I had lost control of my life scarred me.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Herder

I think loosing control really scared me into stopping too. Not control of my drinking cos I was never very good at that and never had a day without drinking for over a decade, but I lost control of my life. I thought I was managing okay but the alcohol started to take over. It's a fantastic feeling to be free from all that.

Glad you're here x

Herder

Thank you hypocondriac for the welcome, I go through feelings of real excitement about the future but also real feelings of loss. I probably drank every day of my life with very few exceptions from when I was 17 until I was 30, I've been talking about quitting for 4 years now. I'm afraid of losing part of myself. I don't know what I will be like without alcohol. A different person in a lot of ways and for the better no doubt. But the feeling of loss is there.

hypochondriac

It is like grief in a way. It is a process you have to go through and in the end you will be the person you were meant to be x

Herder

thanks everyone for the welcome. it has definitely helped to write all that out and get it off my chest. i have a supportive wife who is happy for me but I know it is hard for her that I am no longer drinking.

Hevyn

I absolutely agree, it is a grieving process. Even if that seems irrational. We're saying goodbye to a whole way of life - one that we clung to for years. Many of us saw alcohol as a comforting companion. I know the truth now - I stunted my emotional growth and maturity, missed out on many wonderful experiences, and lost things I can never regain.

Sasha4

Hi Herder

Well done on your 77 days, that is great.
It's great that you have found us.

I am 272 days and the drinking dreams have started to decrease and that feeling when you first open your eyes and think 'wow I feel bad' but actually then remember you never did drink. So I understand and you have my sympathy there.

My drinking caused me a lot of mental damage and I believe the dreams serve as a slight alarm bell to remind me how it was and also that I never have to feel that way again if I just stay away from my first drink.

Drinking is encouraged in my line of work and it has caused me no end of trouble. I really do not think the two are a good combination for success.

I also had to change a lot of my habits, I am sure that you have too.
I no longer sit in my same spot on the sofa, clutching my favouite glass.
I have smashed the glass and I have moved off the sofa.
I spend a lot of time here when I feel like I need a boost. Then again I visit most days as this is like my sober family, people that understand.

I have a three year old daughter, who I love to the moon and back.
It's the best thing I ever did and I am proud of myself even if I do say so.

I have to say, I went to a wedding in May in Dublin and I was sober. Looking around there were some tipsy guests there, but to be honest, I think if it had been in my drinking days, I would still have outdrunk most of them! And that is by all means nothing to brag about or be proud of!!!


I hope you stick around x

Hollyanne

We might start a trend Herder!
Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Herder

Thank you Sasha, I went to one wedding and excused myself from another in the last 77 days. The one I went to was a small wedding, friends of my wife, I brought the car, my wife drank but she didn't get drunk on my behalf and I actually had a good night.

The wedding I didn't go to was a good friend of mine, I lied about why. there would have been a lot of friends of mine at it and I could not see them all and fight the temptation while listening to them reminisce about the old days and explain to everyone individually that i wasn't drinking. So i rang and cancelled a week before the wedding.

My friends have always thought i was a bit nuts so it makes it easier now that I am living as some what of a recluse, in the woods. Out side of my wife and son I have very little social interaction.

Congratulations on having a daughter, i think it is probably easier to stay sober with a kid around the place.

Herder

Hi Hollyanne, thanks for the welcome.