LiveLikeGold6

I don't know why. I don't know what I want. I relapsed again, went out drinking with friends and kept the drinking party going after hours and added some crystal meth to the mix. Had fun in all honesty. Withdrawals haven't been too horrible but nonetheless this is not the life of the young mother and young professional that I am. I don't want to guilt myself too much I just feel like I can't say 100% no to the alcohol. I don't want to be doing hard drugs, but then like this weekend, when there are minimal consequences, I am considering a strategy to work it into my life. I know how horrible this sounds but drugs and alcohol are such a big part of my upbringing it's second nature. Don't know why I'm posting I guess it's because I would like the willingness to do better but I have now become a chronic relapser such that I'm conflicted about my true desires. Just keep any responses positive please.

Impurrfect

((LLG)) - Sorry about the relapse but glad you are back here. I was addicted to the lifestyle as much as I was the drugs (if not more), but with time away from it, it got easier.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Lionhearted1

Yep I feel you.. Too be honest if you continue doing what you are doing you won't be a young professional mum. This stuff kills make no mistake about it only the other day a friend from aa suffered a massive heart attack induced by smoking crack he's only 30....

How you can think you can get a strategy to work drugs and drink into your life is insanity, but hey that's what this illness is.....you won't have a life.

Remember you got away with it this time! But the odds are stacked against ya!!

Hevyn

Hi LiveLikeGold - glad you posted about your feelings. I'm sorry you're having a confusing and difficult time.

I never wanted to let go of my drinking lifestyle. It was fun for so long, and life looked so boring without it. So I clung to it, tried to manage it, and damaged myself greatly over the years. When I was younger I could come back from binges and cover my tracks. As an older woman, though, I became sloppy and careless - needed more and more booze to get the same effect. It went from a pleasant pastime to a necessity. I think that's the fear we have for you - that over time, this progressive disease will steal your life while you're not looking. It's frightening that the drinking led you to using meth. Please be careful LLG - we care about you.

Elisabeth888

Think of a strategy to cope WITHOUT drugs or alcohol. If you get a close fit with those two things, you will lose those things/people you love. Almost guaranteed. And there are always consequences. They get progressively worse, just like addiction.

LiveLikeGold6

I know you guys. I am insane. I'm in denial too. I'm tearing up and it just really shows that I'm in a lot of pain and partying for a day or 2 is a temporary solution that only makes things worse, but it's easier. It's not easy to just go home after dropping my son off to his father on a friday and crying as I drive off because i wanted and still want us to be a family together. I'm obviously not that strong.

Delilah1

I am sure that is very difficult. Can you find something to do when you drop up your son? Take a class, go to the gym, read..

I have tried to find alternative activities to keep me busy when I would normally want to start drinking, this site has been a lifesaver for me.

LiveLikeGold6

Like miss 88 said, I need to devise a strategy to coping with my struggles without going out partying. It's just too slippery of a slope. I had a spa day scheduled for Saturday but I had to cancel it, so I guess that wasn't enough. I just can't keep doing this. I know that I have a much better life waiting but I have to change my point of view and change my daily habits.. I really appreciate the support ladies

elihoping

Do you have a close friend or someone who knows your situation that you could bring with you when you drop off your son? Then the two of you could go and do something fun for the evening to distract you. It might help break the habit for those rocky first few weeks.

Sapling

Sounds like you know what you have to do...It's all about CHANGE...It's good to see you back.

Dee74

I didn't want to change LLG - I wanted to live my party hard life, be great at my job and personal relationships too, and have no negative consequences, ever....

We both know we can't do that.

This last weekend you were lucky and deep down I know you know that.

I won't bring them up, but you've posted like this before.

It didn't work last time...and it won't work now...

Bottom line is you need to accept who and what you are. It's that whole step one thing, I'm afraid.

No boss ever said 'gee I'm glad my employee drinks alcoholically & takes meth'...

more importantly no child ever grows up thinking it was great their mom was like that either....

D

Sapling

Dee...I know you're not an AA guy...But you nailed it. It's a Step one problem. Until I could accept my alcoholism...And smash the idea...As they say in the book...that I could ever drink safely again....Like a normal drinker....I couldn't solve my problem. And those 12 steps only work when they are done in order.

hypochondriac

What is your support or recovery method LiveLikeGold? I just ask cos that might be worth investigating some to help you get to that step one bit. I know that helped me. By looking into various recovery methods I learnt more about myself and how I felt about my drinking. I remember when I first tried to get help I was convinced that I could sort my drinking out if I sorted various issues out. But in all that time I didn't try to stop drinking for even a day. I completely side stepped the issue that alcohol is an addictive substance. Your true desires are going to be a bit cloudy while you still leave the option open for drinking. Staying sober no matter what should clear it up. It isn't easy but it is worth it. I have revelations all the time about my past drinking habits and where I am now. Maybe looking into more recovery literature, going to meetings etc will help you feel less ambiguous about it all x