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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
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Hello, I am brand new to this sight, and hope it will be helpful for me. I am a 41 year old wife and mother of a 4 year old. I have been drinking (what I considered socially, but now realize is not the case) since I was about 16. In my twenties, I started to feel like my husband and I drank too much, and we did on occassion, but I figured that was what being young is all about. I rarely drank during the week back then.
Then, in my thirties, I got divorced and remarried to my current, husband, a wonderful man. He is a fun Irish guy who does like to drink. I am of German heritage and love my beer. We've been married for 7 years, together for 9. For several years now, I've been concerned about our drinking habits. We discuss this frequently, and even set rules for otherselves. Sometimes we follow them, sometimes we don't.
I joined today because I want to seriously monitor our drinking habits, and make changes as needed. I have a feeling we are alcoholics, or at least have an alcohol disorder. I try to gage our habits compared to our friends, and I think we drink slightly more than our friends. My brother had an alcohol problem and quit. He's been sober for 3 years and loves it. My sister also has a problem (in my opinion) but doesn't think she does.
My husband and I are very successful and very in love, but we just love to drink and have fun. When we overdo it, it is usually when it's just the two of us. After all these years, we still find each other fascinating, and will talk and drink wine and beer for hours and hours.
He can handle a hang over, WAY better than I can. I hate hangovers, and get them pretty bad. I am very sensitive to being dehydrated. I appreciate any advice you may have and will answer anything you ask totally honestly. I am here because I am worried about our health and well-being, and don't want to be bad examples for my son.
I should mention, we are very fun-loving personalities, and I sometimes drank too much out of boredom and habit. Money has been tight (that should change soon), but we've been trapped at home on weekends with literally nothing to do, so we start having beer and wine and listening to music.
What do you think?
Then, in my thirties, I got divorced and remarried to my current, husband, a wonderful man. He is a fun Irish guy who does like to drink. I am of German heritage and love my beer. We've been married for 7 years, together for 9. For several years now, I've been concerned about our drinking habits. We discuss this frequently, and even set rules for otherselves. Sometimes we follow them, sometimes we don't.
I joined today because I want to seriously monitor our drinking habits, and make changes as needed. I have a feeling we are alcoholics, or at least have an alcohol disorder. I try to gage our habits compared to our friends, and I think we drink slightly more than our friends. My brother had an alcohol problem and quit. He's been sober for 3 years and loves it. My sister also has a problem (in my opinion) but doesn't think she does.
My husband and I are very successful and very in love, but we just love to drink and have fun. When we overdo it, it is usually when it's just the two of us. After all these years, we still find each other fascinating, and will talk and drink wine and beer for hours and hours.
He can handle a hang over, WAY better than I can. I hate hangovers, and get them pretty bad. I am very sensitive to being dehydrated. I appreciate any advice you may have and will answer anything you ask totally honestly. I am here because I am worried about our health and well-being, and don't want to be bad examples for my son.
I should mention, we are very fun-loving personalities, and I sometimes drank too much out of boredom and habit. Money has been tight (that should change soon), but we've been trapped at home on weekends with literally nothing to do, so we start having beer and wine and listening to music.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Welcome missy. First off you only have control over you so to make things easier on yourself stop saying that "we" drink too much and you want "us" to moderate "our" drinking.
You have no control over his drinking so you need to start concentrating, and focusing on your own drinking only, not yours and his. Also I know a lot of alcoholics and not one of them ever succesfully cut back, it had to be full in or full out. So if you truly are addicted don't expect to be able to cut back.
You say your bored because current your financial situation is trapping you at home, I don't believe this is true as it takes a considerable amount of money to drink. So it's the drinking that is trapping you not the financials.
Read around other posts as I know there are others here in your situation.
You have no control over his drinking so you need to start concentrating, and focusing on your own drinking only, not yours and his. Also I know a lot of alcoholics and not one of them ever succesfully cut back, it had to be full in or full out. So if you truly are addicted don't expect to be able to cut back.
You say your bored because current your financial situation is trapping you at home, I don't believe this is true as it takes a considerable amount of money to drink. So it's the drinking that is trapping you not the financials.
Read around other posts as I know there are others here in your situation.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
I think you are both drinking too much, which led to you seeking help on a sober recovery site.
The question is....are you both ready to do something about it?
Do you want to stop drinking?
If you do...there is plenty you can do.
The question is....are you both ready to do something about it?
Do you want to stop drinking?
If you do...there is plenty you can do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you so much. What I really want, but i'm not sure if it's possible, is to drink responsibly. To have fun, but not over-do it. I have heard that it is impossible to just "cut back" if you are, indeed, an alcoholic. My brother tried it, and it didn't work, so he had to quit completely.
I understand what you're saying about "my drinking" instead of "our drinking." My husband will back whatever I decide to do, although I don't think he feels as bad and as guilty as I do about drinking. Maybe it's his personality, or maybe he just doesn't get as hungover. Whatever I do, I will do for me., and I will own my problem, as MY problem. Not ours. That makes sense.
I understand what you're saying about "my drinking" instead of "our drinking." My husband will back whatever I decide to do, although I don't think he feels as bad and as guilty as I do about drinking. Maybe it's his personality, or maybe he just doesn't get as hungover. Whatever I do, I will do for me., and I will own my problem, as MY problem. Not ours. That makes sense.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by missyd23 
Thank you so much. What I really want, but i'm not sure if it's possible, is to drink responsibly. To have fun, but not over-do it. I have heard that it is impossible to just "cut back" if you are, indeed, an alcoholic. My brother tried it, and it didn't work, so he had to quit completely.
I understand what you're saying about "my drinking" instead of "our drinking." My husband will back whatever I decide to do, although I don't think he feels as bad and as guilty as I do about drinking. Maybe it's his personality, or maybe he just doesn't get as hungover. Whatever I do, I will do for me., and I will own my problem, as MY problem. Not ours. That makes sense.
I understand what you're saying about "my drinking" instead of "our drinking." My husband will back whatever I decide to do, although I don't think he feels as bad and as guilty as I do about drinking. Maybe it's his personality, or maybe he just doesn't get as hungover. Whatever I do, I will do for me., and I will own my problem, as MY problem. Not ours. That makes sense.
This is a site for people that can't drink responsibly.
We don't share ideas on how to drink without problems.
We are here to find a solution instead of drinking.
Do you want to stop drinking for good and all or not?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Having a husband who will support you gives you a huge advantage over some folks.
If you're not entirely sure if you are truly an alcoholic try stopping altogether for a month or two, this should give you a pretty good idea as to what you are dealing with. If you're not an alcoholic it should be no problem for you to do. If it causes physical and emotional difficulties then in my view it's time to stop.
The idea of what you do for fun will fall into place. This is where one day at a time comes in.
If you're not entirely sure if you are truly an alcoholic try stopping altogether for a month or two, this should give you a pretty good idea as to what you are dealing with. If you're not an alcoholic it should be no problem for you to do. If it causes physical and emotional difficulties then in my view it's time to stop.
The idea of what you do for fun will fall into place. This is where one day at a time comes in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Not drinking any more would be a good thing to start with. You'll have to go through the process of detoxing for which your Dr can help with, rehab would be a really good idea if this is possible, in or out patient. Many enlist the help of programs such as AA, AVRT, etc.
Read around the boards to see how others have done this. Read the stickys as well as there is lots of good info of what to expect. Stickys are the permanent posts above each forum.
Ask lots of questions here when you start going through changes. And post your progress and you will receive all sorts of support from all of us.
Read around the boards to see how others have done this. Read the stickys as well as there is lots of good info of what to expect. Stickys are the permanent posts above each forum.
Ask lots of questions here when you start going through changes. And post your progress and you will receive all sorts of support from all of us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Hello,
Welcome to SR! I use this forum to seek guidance and fellowship as I learn to live my life completely sober. I too tried to moderate my drinking on many occasions, in many ways, and failed again and again. The Big Book of AA talks about this in the third chapter called "More About Alcoholism" - eventually the realization set in that I was indeed an alcoholic and could not drink in a controlled manner for very long. Sometimes I did have a few nights of moderation but that was usually followed by some serious binge drinking and blackouts.
The hardest part for me, in the beginning, was admitting I really did have a problem with alcohol. I didn't want to be labeled "alcoholic" and, like you, I wondered what I was going to do with my free time and how I could ever have fun or enjoy myself without the drinks. My
Boyfriend at the time was a heavy drinker as well, but he wasn't having the same physiological reaction to the alcohol as me. You mentioned, for example, that your husband tolerates the hangovers better than you do. There could be a number of reasons for this, and I'm certainly no doctor, but I can tell you that for SOME of us, alcohol works differently and has different effects on our minds and bodies.
I agree that this is a forum for people who want to learn to be alcohol and drug free Abd therefore we shouldn't discuss ways to continue drinking in a certain manner, but it is almost impossible for someone to know if they are alcoholic unless they try to moderate and find that they can't. This may not mean drinking every day and it may not mean that you are always insanely drink when you do drink, but if you attempt to "drink like a lady" as they say and you are unable to keep that obsession for more alcohol at bay, you might consider trying total sobriety. In my experience, no real alcoholic can learn or re-learn to drink like a normal person. Alcoholism is progressive, which means that once a certain invisible line is passed, there's no way to know until you look back and see it.
Again, these are only my opinions and experiences, but if you're on an addiction / recovery forum looking for advice and you realize that you relate to a lot of what the people who identify as "alcoholic" are saying - you're probably one if us. And Don't worry - there is life after quitting drinking! I promise. Like anything else, it's about replacing old habbits and ways of thinking with new ones; it's not easy or fun at first, because it's uncomfortable to grow sometimes! Once I started to get active in this community and pick up new hobbies and interests I realized I was much happier than I ever was in my drinking days. I do sometimes miss a wild party (won't lie) but for me, drinking stopped being a party and became one consequence after another.
I hope you find what you're looking for here! Thank you for your post and I hope I was able to help a bit. I wish you peace and happiness in your journey.
Welcome to SR! I use this forum to seek guidance and fellowship as I learn to live my life completely sober. I too tried to moderate my drinking on many occasions, in many ways, and failed again and again. The Big Book of AA talks about this in the third chapter called "More About Alcoholism" - eventually the realization set in that I was indeed an alcoholic and could not drink in a controlled manner for very long. Sometimes I did have a few nights of moderation but that was usually followed by some serious binge drinking and blackouts.
The hardest part for me, in the beginning, was admitting I really did have a problem with alcohol. I didn't want to be labeled "alcoholic" and, like you, I wondered what I was going to do with my free time and how I could ever have fun or enjoy myself without the drinks. My
Boyfriend at the time was a heavy drinker as well, but he wasn't having the same physiological reaction to the alcohol as me. You mentioned, for example, that your husband tolerates the hangovers better than you do. There could be a number of reasons for this, and I'm certainly no doctor, but I can tell you that for SOME of us, alcohol works differently and has different effects on our minds and bodies.
I agree that this is a forum for people who want to learn to be alcohol and drug free Abd therefore we shouldn't discuss ways to continue drinking in a certain manner, but it is almost impossible for someone to know if they are alcoholic unless they try to moderate and find that they can't. This may not mean drinking every day and it may not mean that you are always insanely drink when you do drink, but if you attempt to "drink like a lady" as they say and you are unable to keep that obsession for more alcohol at bay, you might consider trying total sobriety. In my experience, no real alcoholic can learn or re-learn to drink like a normal person. Alcoholism is progressive, which means that once a certain invisible line is passed, there's no way to know until you look back and see it.
Again, these are only my opinions and experiences, but if you're on an addiction / recovery forum looking for advice and you realize that you relate to a lot of what the people who identify as "alcoholic" are saying - you're probably one if us. And Don't worry - there is life after quitting drinking! I promise. Like anything else, it's about replacing old habbits and ways of thinking with new ones; it's not easy or fun at first, because it's uncomfortable to grow sometimes! Once I started to get active in this community and pick up new hobbies and interests I realized I was much happier than I ever was in my drinking days. I do sometimes miss a wild party (won't lie) but for me, drinking stopped being a party and became one consequence after another.
I hope you find what you're looking for here! Thank you for your post and I hope I was able to help a bit. I wish you peace and happiness in your journey.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Welcome. I hope you can find a path that works for you. In the end and with much reluctance it turned out that sobriety was the only way for me. It turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life and there is no way I would go back.
I was getting cravings when I tired to moderate, and in the end the efforts at control were harder to get right consistently. The costs were adding up. In the end the torment and the struggle were to much and I surrendered to sobriety with a willing heart.
I was getting cravings when I tired to moderate, and in the end the efforts at control were harder to get right consistently. The costs were adding up. In the end the torment and the struggle were to much and I surrendered to sobriety with a willing heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone. I realize this is going to be very hard. I have tried to set "rules" in the past, but always, eventually go back to "drinking in excess--" which for me, the definition is "enough that I feel hungover, and angry at myself the next day." I feel like I've had 20 years of partying and over-doing it; without never really taking a break. I wasn't able to get pregnant (we adopted my son); so I didn't even take the 9 months off like most of my friends. I just feel like I'm 41; and I don't want to damage my body anymore. My husband and I are so healthy in so many ways, we exercise and really like being fit....so the alcohol thing has been a struggle for me because I know the way I drink is not healthy.
There's still a part of me that wants to say "I want to try the moderate rules again, I want to take time off to see what happens." Maybe I'm not 100% ready to stop completely. I really enjoy food and wine, and would love to be able to enjoy a glass of wine with a nice meal. I think for now, I'd like to just try not drinking at all until Thanksgiving. And then having some wine. I feel like if I can go a period of time without it, and feel ok, maybe that will be good. We're going to a friend's house tonight and I won't be drinking. I'm alittle nervous, but I know I can do it.
There's still a part of me that wants to say "I want to try the moderate rules again, I want to take time off to see what happens." Maybe I'm not 100% ready to stop completely. I really enjoy food and wine, and would love to be able to enjoy a glass of wine with a nice meal. I think for now, I'd like to just try not drinking at all until Thanksgiving. And then having some wine. I feel like if I can go a period of time without it, and feel ok, maybe that will be good. We're going to a friend's house tonight and I won't be drinking. I'm alittle nervous, but I know I can do it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Hi and welcome missyd
I think most of us didn't want to stop completely and most of us wanted to find a way to cut back, so I understand completely you wanting to try that.
Most of us tho found our experience was like your brothers, so set some pretty clear goals for yourself - if you break those rules or bend them, then maybe it's time to accept that you need to look at some life changes?
It sounds scary - and it is - but it's not a life ender
Many of us lead happy, contented fun filled sober lives
D
I think most of us didn't want to stop completely and most of us wanted to find a way to cut back, so I understand completely you wanting to try that.
Most of us tho found our experience was like your brothers, so set some pretty clear goals for yourself - if you break those rules or bend them, then maybe it's time to accept that you need to look at some life changes?
It sounds scary - and it is - but it's not a life ender
Many of us lead happy, contented fun filled sober lives
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,511
Welcome missy. It's great to have you here. I hope you'll find the answers you're looking for.
I was like your brother, too. I wanted more than anything to just have 'a few' once in a while, but it was not to be. Every time I picked up a drink it led to me drinking many more than I'd planned on. Maybe you've heard the expression 'alcoholism is a progressive disease'. I used to drink only on weekends - then every week night, too. At the end of my drinking career I drank all day. I never thought that could happen to me. All I wanted was to have fun and relax with it, but over time I became too dependent on it, and it ruled my life.
I hope you will keep reading and posting. We want to help. Congratulations on reaching out for suggestions and support.
I was like your brother, too. I wanted more than anything to just have 'a few' once in a while, but it was not to be. Every time I picked up a drink it led to me drinking many more than I'd planned on. Maybe you've heard the expression 'alcoholism is a progressive disease'. I used to drink only on weekends - then every week night, too. At the end of my drinking career I drank all day. I never thought that could happen to me. All I wanted was to have fun and relax with it, but over time I became too dependent on it, and it ruled my life.
I hope you will keep reading and posting. We want to help. Congratulations on reaching out for suggestions and support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
You KNOW there is an issue or you wouldn't be here.
Have you tried cutting down n failed? Do you find once you start drinking you can't stop? I suggest you read as much as you can n get support on here.
If you believe it is a problem then it is a problem.
Do you want to stop drinking n are you prepared to do this for good? If so, how are you going to do this n how will you deal with your partner still drinking?
Just some questions for you to think about.
Hugs, Evey xxxx
Have you tried cutting down n failed? Do you find once you start drinking you can't stop? I suggest you read as much as you can n get support on here.
If you believe it is a problem then it is a problem.
Do you want to stop drinking n are you prepared to do this for good? If so, how are you going to do this n how will you deal with your partner still drinking?
Just some questions for you to think about.
Hugs, Evey xxxx
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by Veritas1
This is a site for people that can't drink responsibly.
We don't share ideas on how to drink without problems.
We are here to find a solution instead of drinking.
Do you want to stop drinking for good and all or not?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
We don't share ideas on how to drink without problems.
We are here to find a solution instead of drinking.
Do you want to stop drinking for good and all or not?
Only you can answer that for yourself.
I apologize OP for my harsh post. Please forgive me. Thank you.
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