Sparkelina

going on 3 weeks of not being drunk or pilled up. i am chronically ill & finally got tough enuff to start dealing with it thru therapy & meds.

today i found out my disability was cancelled due to a few words on a 90 page medical report. i am truly too ill to work & am so in debt for medical bills....and now i dont have a penny.

so what did i do? i drank. not a ton.... 4 beers. and took 2 klonnies. and didnt eat. ah yea.... the old me. the one i fought so hard against.

and i feel so weak and hopeless.... i know im headed straight down the rabbit hole.

i dunno.. im just here. needed to talk.

FreeFall

Sparkelina, one slip does not undo all your sober days. Try to approach this problem as the new you-drinking is not going to make this better, and you already know that. Can you appeal the decision? Get another medical person to write an additional letter? Crawl out of the rabbit hole and fight for your disability support and get back on track. I'm sorry this has happened to you!

Dee74

Definitely appeal the decision, get other opinions, hire a lawyer, do whatever you need to.

Different country and different system, but I faced a similar thing...it took me two years but I did it.

I hope your road will be smoother, Spark.

and yeah - don't drink on this...this is a speedbump, not a brick wall.
I know it's hard but try not to panic

D

Sparkelina

thanks for your replies. they made so much sense yet im just beside myself.

i want to appeal the disability denial but am now broke & need money to be to keep a roof over my head & pay for medical costs. that means i have to get some type of job...... lord only knows how ill even find one that i can perform......and just suffer thru it til i collapse again (like earlier this year).

anyway.. just venting. im sick.....broke..... and just not sure how to deal other than escape.

life sure sucks sometimes.

john44

Sparkelina, you're in my prayers. You must appeal this decision. Did you talk to your doctor(s)? A lot of times a doctor can intervene and get a decision reversed.

sugarbear1

I don't know where you live, but there are resources available to you if you are in the USA. There is a Pro Se (?) attorney in the court house (free for those with no or little income) and there is social services and possibly other places who can help you out.

Stay sober and do some research. Your help will come!

Threshold

Ugh...hugs, a mess to be certain, but not worth drinking over.

That trapped feeling is the worst, the worrying over how the future could possibly pan out, yet somehow it does.

It does help to take one day at a time and not try to emotionally deal with all the things we are sure are in front of us.

Many times I've tumbled because I knew I wasn't up to dealing with what was in front of me, but when I took it a breath at a time I did get through. In spite of myself. In spite of wanting to give up. In spite of thinking "so what if I just drink and drug myself to death?"

Now...when people told me exactly what I am telling you I got so angry, so sure they didn't understand, because I thought, when I heard their words that the expectation was that I would pick myself up, brush myself off, put on a smile and conquer the world.

What I didn't understand was that I didn't have to immediately be perky and confident that I could take on the world. I only had to do the facing reality part one breath at a time as well. Looking at the "task" of being ok, working it out, feeling confident was daunting, I thought I was expected to force all the feelings to happen NOW.

But that too is a process. I don't have to do it all now, or feel it all now, or conquer it all now.

In my area there are lawyers who help people fight disability denials. They take a chunk of the back pay when the case is won, but they don't charge anything up front. I don't know if it's a good way to go or not, but probably worth investigating. Do some research online as well.

The idea of a job often overwhelms me, but on a day to day basis, I am usually ok getting up and doing it. But looking at a week, a month or a year at a time is totally exhausting.

I have a serious mental illness that periodically flares up, hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, disociation. Scares the crap out of me, I don't know when it will rear it's head, I get paralyzed thinking about it. But I still have to live, and I have today, so I live today. I can't let a possibly bad tomorrow steal today. That would be like leaving my valuables on the porch so a thief wouldn't even have to break in to steal them.

It is ok, and possible to feel really scared, upset and hopeless about things for awhile and still not drink.

flutter

Like Dee said, appeal it. If you message me where you're at, I can find referrals for attorneys who specialize in disability appeals. They don't charge up front, but take a portion of the award/back pay once you win it.

MythOfSisyphus

My dad went thru the same process. It seems that they initially turn down almost everyone just to weed out the "easy" ones. Generally if you're genuinely disabled you'll persevere, but sometimes it's not quick.

Sparkelina

thank you. i just feel so overwhelmed & yeah a part of me said 'Screw it im gna drink all i want & take as much klonopin as i want'....which is what i did. no it didnt change a single thing.

ill call my md tomorrow & see what we can do. after careful calculation ive got til early january before ill be truly destitute.

i will have to cancel physical therapy & other stuff cuz i dont have the copays. its just bull****.

wish i had the time to be patient & play out the waiting game.

i cant tell you how many people ive met who receive disability $$$ yet they are traveling & golfing & just having a good old time. arrrrghhhhh! im so angry.

i drank some on friday...and a lot last nite to the point of vomiting. then several pills. funny how i felt 'normal' today... likely cuz i quelled the klonnie withdrawals (they drag on for months!)

i am back on track. for today. today i did well. still upset & sad & so worried about my future.....but i didnt drink or pill.

thanks for listening & for caring & for all of your thoughtful replies.

Flutter...ill message u after i talk to my md...if she thinks we need legal help.

u guys rock my world xoxo

Delilah1

Sorry for all you are dealing with Sparkelina. Be pushy and fight for your disability. I also know people who are receiving disability and traveling all around, the system doesn't always work the way it should.

Hang in there. Sending hugs.

YoungAndClean

Oh sparklina im so sorry for what you are going through! It can't be easy, I have debt also and know that ol' ball and chain feeling it brings. I also know the fear of working out in society again. Will my boss & co-workers like me? What if i mess up? What if it doesnt pay enough? who will hire me? etc. etc. The best thing you can do is breath, relax, and remember its all in Gods hands. Ill be praying for you as well.

DesertEyes

Here's some _free_ resources that can help. They have saved my life _twice_ already.

Patient Advocate Foundation Welcomes You! - PAF

NeedyMeds

Mike

Sparkelina

talked to 2 of my docs today & both said they were shocked by the disability denial. so.... tomorrow we start the appeal process. we just hope it wont take too long.... hope is all i got .... but at least its somethin'.

Myth...maybe u are right about them denying the 1st one as a way to weed out the malingerers.

see.... theres that hope stuff again

thanks again to all of you. u have helped me tremendously with ur words and information. better than anyone else cud have.

and i know booze & pills do nothing to help. at all. the problem didnt change or go away. it just added a bad headache & some vomit to the situation sorry....thats prob TMI... just my twisted humor)

much luv...... Spark

amy55

You don't say what kind of disability benefits you are receiving. If it is social security or supplemental security you can request a continuance of benefits.

IF YOUR DISABILITY BENEFITS ARE STOPPED, CAN YOU GET THEM WHILE YOU APPEAL?