sameasmeagain

I got involved with my childhood love. After a few months of seeing each other, he told me he had a problem with heroin and that he was doing everything to fight it. I told him that I will be supportive as long as he stays honest with me and promises to tell me when he has craving or if it happens again. At that time, he was seeking professional help and I had high hopes for him since he seemed like he had his head on straight. He relapsed soon after he lost his job while residing at a sober living home. I was angry that he did not keep his word and once again asked him to be honest and that if he had any doubts in his mind that he will not be able to stay sober to tell me. He told me he had no doubts and I told him that I will be supportive, love and stand by his side. Eventually, we moved in together, at the time it made sense since we had spent the last 6 months of our relationship together on a daily basis. I work a 9-5 job so living together was a nice way for us to be in each others presence while still taking care of responsibilities. I started suspecting that he was using again. I started doing research and realized that he has been lying to me about using. One night he came home with marks on his arms and completely out of it. He could not stand or comprehend what I was saying. I packed all his stuff and kicked him out to live with his mom. A few days later I started missing him terribly and asked him to come back. After that he was doing great for a few months then one day I found a pack of syringes in his jacket and once again asked him to leave and then after a week or 2 to come back to live with me again. This time he got on suboxone and stayed clean for 6+ months. The doctors were trying out combination of medicine on him. He started acting funny, driving unsafely, wetting the bed, and sleepwalking. He slept all day and did nothing while I worked hard to pay the bills. I would come home to a messy home and a vegetable boyfriend everyday. The stress of living like that really got to me and I broke down and told my family what has been going on. I moved back to my parents house and he moved back to his mom's as a result. I miss his company and our home together terribly and regret telling my family the truth about him. They will never accept him or the fact that I love him which leaves little hope for our relationship. He relapsed after 6 months of sobriety when we moved out of our home. It has been 2 months and he is now clean again and reduced the dose of his medication. I love and miss him each day and suffering from the depression and stress that the relationship has brought on me along with the stress of family members telling me that he will never recover and that they want nothing to do with me if I ever decide to be with him again.

Caldus

sameasmeagain,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a recovering alcoholic, so I don't know all of the particulars of heroin and recovering from it. If it's anything like alcohol though, then I know that tons of alcoholics relapse over and over again before they finally stay sober for the long haul. For a lot of us, we were just not done living in self-will and misery yet. I can't speak for your boyfriend, but you have to understand that he is going to have to be the one to quit and to stay sober when he quits. It's great that you tried to be there for him and to support him each time he tried to quit. When he is ready, he will do whatever it takes to stay sober.

I know that for alcohol they have "Al Anon" support group meetings which are for people whose lives are affected by other alcoholics. I'm assuming they have a similar type of group for people whose lives are affected by other heroin addicts. Maybe you could check out one of those meetings?

sameasmeagain

Thank you Caldus and best of luck in your recovery. I understand now that it is up to him to recover. He has not been using but there is no way of knowing how things pan out until he is off the medication.

I know he does not want to use heroin. He does however, have a huge infatuation with drugs. He is obsessed reading about them and educating himself about them. He told me just the other day that he will not use heroin but he will always smoke and occasionally use hallucinogenic drugs because he finds the experience therapeutic.

I have loved him for so long and feel inspired by him but I do not believe in his drug use and do not want to live like this. I also feel like I will never find someone that makes me feel as strongly in love as he does. It is a hard thought to cope with and to make things worse I risk breaking all ties with my family should I choose to ever get back with him.

endlesspatience

In what way does he think taking mind-altering drugs is therapeutic? Would you perceive that as addiction?

Threshold

My response here is a combination of my own experience (on both sides of addiction) and some reading I did recently and some things friends have suggested to me.

You have the information and experience to make an informed choice about your life. Meaning you know this man well, and you know what life is like with him when he is using.

You mention being worried that no other relationship will ever make you feel as you do/did with him. I recently read a book called "Lovesick" about how we feel and behave when we are in love. Chemistry, psychology etc.

I am very much like you in worrying over my feelings in future relationships etc. We can and do get "addicted" to our own body chemistry and the rush we get from being in love, flirting, driving too fast, etc. And it's pretty scary to think of giving that up, of not being able to get our "fix". It's not just in our head.

because I am myself deciding whether or not to maintain a relationship with my sometimes sober/mostly not, boyfriend I know where you are in this. One of my good friends tells me to date some other people, to see if I get those butterflies with someone else. To see if it's the butterfiles I am chasing, or a sense of companionship, or sex, or what.

Another tells me to stay single for awhile and see if I can be ok without a man. I am pretty sure I can, but that I don't want to be single for long. I like being in a relationship, which is not the same as compulsively NEEDING one. Though if I am willing to deal with being with an alcoholic...maybe she makes a valid point.

In the end, for all of us, sober or not, in love or not...we have to decide what we truly want for our lives, and be willing to work AND take risks to get it.

There are nearly 4 billion men in the world, I'd say chances are good that you and I both can find someone else we have great chemistry and companionship with. The question is whether or not we choose to do the work and take the risks, or if we are ok with where we are.