Stressed, tired, confused... :-/
 

Hello all,

I hope everyone is having a lovely SOBER day! My day started at about 4am and I just got home. The reason I was up so early is that I had to go to a physical for the Army National Guard. I have been talking to a recruiter for the ANG for a few weeks now, even before I was totally sober, about joining as a way to get more job skills, go to grad school, and pay off some massive student loans I already have. The problem is that I was also supposed to start training today at Macy's. I got hired last week to work as a "flex" employee for the holidays and maybe after the holiday if needed. The job is a step down from my previous job (also retail) and doesn't pay as much but I have been out of work for five months and desperately needed something. I am nearly broke.

I guess my biggest issue is this : I've noticed that when I'm bored, sitting at home thinking myself into the ground, I am triggered to use because of the free time. On the other hand, whenever I am sober (I've had periods as long as 9 months) I tend to over- extend myself to the point of near exhaustion and then THAT becomes a trigger and I relapse. So either way, I'm not in good shape. I don't know what to do because my issue is obviously finding balance in my life and I'm just not good at that.

I also have a weird problem with lateness. I'm always very early or a bit late to my appointments. I get in trouble for it and resolve to work on it but it's still been a problem.

Bottom line, am I setting myself up for disaster? Is joining the military, even if it's the Guard, a bad idea for me? I'm 29, single, no kids, in debt and almost graduated from college with a psyche degree I can't use unless I go to grad school and get my masters. I'm worried about all these things. When I'm high I don't care but now I'm sober again, one week, and I feel emmensly pressured from within. I know I need to get my life together. I am
About to turn 30 and I feel like I've wasted my life Abd thrown away so many good opportunities because of my drug habbit.

I have respect for the military and I think I could do a decent job of I stay sober but if I don't it will be awful. What do I do here? I need advice! I know people can only offer opinions, and I've gotten a few already, but I need more help. If you can give me feedback it would be awesome.

Thanks all!

What I know is that I need balance in my life.

I used to over-extend, overdo, etc and when I began recovery, I knew that was a major part of my personality that I needed to work on. From what you said, I wonder if you don't like being 'alone' with yourself? I was like that. I couldn't sit and relax with myself because I was afraid where my mind would go. So, I had to start with basics and find things about myself that I really liked and work on spending time alone. I think it's also significant that you can't seem to be able to be on time even when it causes problems in your life. Could you be self-sabotaging? I wonder if you set yourself up when you can't arrive on time.

As far as joining the Military, sit with yourself, be very quiet and the answer will come to you. :)

Thank you Anna. I will meditate on it some more. I tried to meditate last night and I fell asleep. It was a light sleep but very refreshing. Haha.

I appreciate this advice.

:)

How long is your term of enlistment and how old will you be when you are discharged? I am unfamiliar with the terms of enlistment for the guard. I find it interesting you acknowledge your inability to find balance in your life and have decided to pursue a path (military) where your freedom and actions will be curtailed or controlled by others. I would find that situation exhausting and probably stressful.

If you have too much free time and need to fill it, why not volunteer someplace?

I'm 29 it's 6 years so I'll be 35... I am still waiting to see about my loan repayment too. I won't go if they don't agree to that.

As for volunteering, I am going to volunteer this Sunday at a recovery home for teens. I also volunteer and do the phones for a crisis hotline a few times each month and have commitments at meetings. You are right it helps a lot!

Thank you!

Hi Babyjane,

Just by the looks of things, and in my opinion, it looks like you are being overwhelmed with all the stuff you are trying to do. It happened to me. I constantly wanted to be doing 'something', going in different directions, doing different things. Your main priority needs to be your recovery and staying sober. Put a ton of effort into it and you will find that everything else just falls into place over time. I know it's hard to look at it like that whilst you're in the middle of everything but trust me. If you put time and effort into your recovery it will pay off greatly in the long run.

Natom.