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I don't know who I am without alcohol

Old 11-07-2012, 08:30 PM
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I don't know who I am without alcohol

Hello everyone!

I am new here as I am just realizing I have a problem with drinking alcohol. I have always been unbearably shy and I guess I used alcohol as an excuse to come out of my shell. When I drink I feel like I'm the life of the party and I'm a social butterfly! This was true for a little while until I would wake up in the morning feeling absolutely horrible and embarrassed for some reason but I wouldn't know why. I would always get told by my friends what I had done or said which was never anything good. I would cry all the time when I was drunk for various reason and my friends got so fed up with it that they wouldn't even call me to come out anymore, and at the time I was angry because I thought that they didn't like me anymore.

I have ruined past relationships with my drinking and I am now ruining my current one. I am (or was until the other night) engaged to the low of my life. I always say hurtful things to him when I am drinking, want to have a heart to heart and all conversations go in a continuous loop. I still am not sure what was all said the other night but it resulted in him telling me he didn't think we should be getting married next November as we had planned, I took that as he didn't want to marry me anymore so I gave him my ring back. I learned the next morning he only wanted to wait to get married until we had sorted our problems out but not break up. However now he will not how my ring back until I get myself some help. I am not just choosing sobriety to appease to his wishes but instead using this as a wake up call. I love him and don't want to lose him so I am getting myself some help.

I don't know who I am without alcohol, I have made it my identity. How do I get past my shyness without drinking? I am going to one of his family members weddings this weekend and I have no idea how I am going to cope without drinking and having his family ask me about our marriage plans. Please help I need some advice and words of encouragement!

Thank you!!
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Old 11-07-2012, 08:43 PM
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Welcome Findingmyself you just admitted you have a problem, asked for help, realized that you make excuses, acknowleged you have short comings, and realized that you have to do this for yourself all at once. WOW. Ithink you are full of determination and really want to do this, and you also have an excellent self awareness. That's already a really excellent start. Read around ask questions and get started. This place is great for support.
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Old 11-07-2012, 08:47 PM
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I agree with Zanzibar. Spend some time reading and posting on here you will get lots of support.
Welcome!!!!
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Old 11-07-2012, 09:08 PM
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I think I know how you feel. I've always had problems with social anxiety, but I discovered in my teens that alcohol could make me less afraid, which made people like me more. It worked for a few years until I somehow lost my happy medium. Suddenly I had to keep drinking even once I'd gotten to my good level, then the next day I would wake up so embarrassed of the things I'd done. Now I choose to just be shy- it sucks, but at least there's no surprises. Best wishes to you.
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Old 11-07-2012, 09:09 PM
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Thank you everyone for your input, I know the road to recovery is a long one and takes time and patience but I am doing this to better myself and live a happier life! In addition to getting sober I am also going to see a counsellor to work out some inner issues so hopefully that can help me get over my shyness and self doubt.
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Old 11-07-2012, 09:13 PM
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Hi and welcome findignmyself

being a drinker was my identity for 20 years or more - my drinking defined me.

It is scary to let that go - but many of us here have done it...and I for one have absolutely no regrets.

I'm very grateful that I re-discovered who I really was...and more than grateful I like the guy I found and the sober life I've built

I know you will too...it's a leap of faith, but it's worth every second

D
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Old 11-07-2012, 09:18 PM
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Hi, Findingmyself4. Welcome to SR!

To stay sober is the only way to find your true self, while alcohol is killing your personality.

Dee shared with us useful links to stay sober, this one is about holidays. Try something of this during the wedding, it really helps.

Mindful Recovery and Relapse Prevention for the Holidays | Mindfulness and Psychotherapy

Have a good day and keep posting.
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:35 PM
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findingmyself4....I could have written the first half of your post. drinking had become my identity as well and when I started on my journey of recovery, I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol....specifically, vodka. I also experienced being what I thought was me being the "life of the party " but I was only fooling myself. I had many blackouts and I am seeing now being sober a short time (102 days) the wreckage I caused, relationships that were ruined and huge amounts of trust that I lost. I thought I was only numbing myself...that I wasn't affecting others, but I was.

you've made a huge step admitting you have a problem with drinking. give yourself a shot at a truly happy life & you will find it, if you seek it. there is alot of support here on this site, I hope you find yourself at home & know that others have been through like experiences and we can all help eachother one day at a time

have you thought about checking out an AA meeting? great support is available out there.

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Old 11-07-2012, 10:46 PM
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Thank you jstar! My poison is wine, I black out every time! I know the feeling of needing alcohol will pass but it's hard at the moment. I forgot mention that I just moved from Canada to Australia to be with my partner so a lot of the time since we've been here has been spent catching up with friends and family and drinking has always been involved. I have embarrassed myself in front of people I don't know and people who will one day be my family as well. I don't have a huge support system here which also makes it hard for me. How do I get my partner on board with helping me recover as he enjoys drinking as well (he does not have a problem with drinking, he is in control of it). Temptation is always going to be there so what are some ways to still enjoy myself in social situations without drinking?
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:31 PM
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You just described my life. I started drinking in high school, never had much real social contact before that as I was homeschooled by religious parents and very sheltered. Alcohol since then has been my crutch and the only relief from crippling social anxiety. My heart rate goes through the roof, I sweat, I stammer, I lose my train of thoughts. I can't speak in front of people, meeting someone new makes me shaky, nervous, strained. I have anxiety and panic attacks... Alcohol absolutely fixes all of that. I'm tired of having to take a shot before anything scary. I want to be able to face my fears and live like a normal human.
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Old 11-08-2012, 12:13 AM
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Originally Posted by zanzibar View Post
Welcome Findingmyself you just admitted you have a problem, asked for help, realized that you make excuses, acknowleged you have short comings, and realized that you have to do this for yourself all at once. WOW. Ithink you are full of determination and really want to do this, and you also have an excellent self awareness. That's already a really excellent start. Read around ask questions and get started. This place is great for support.
Findingmyself, I quoted zanzibar here so you could read it again because its a very powerful paragraph. I'd read it often if I were you.

Like zanzibar said, you have taken 4 or 5 big steps. Keep that in mind and keep in mind that you also chose a name here on SR that is a positive way of saying what you are doing now in your life (as opposed to using whoami, or Iamlost which would have been a stagnant comment about where you are) You sound very thoughtful and ready to make a change as I was when I chose to call myself joinedintime, which I did because I knew that I had joined SR just in time while I could make a big change. Over 4 years later I'm still sober.

BTW, apologies to anyone that may be using those names that I called stagnant. They may work well for a given situation but I think Findingmyself is a great name from what I've read here.
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Old 11-08-2012, 01:20 AM
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Today is my 5th day sober. I started drinking at 14 and found it made me confident and could talk to people that I was too shy to before. 10 years later I realise I am a terrible drunk. Too loud, too much, rude and inconsiderate. As my boyfriend keeps telling me- we are far more interesting people when we are sober. You don't shout at people, reveal things you wouldn't sober or forget your sentence and repeat yiurself. Good luck to you!
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Old 11-08-2012, 02:54 AM
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I'm like you in a lot of ways. I certainly am much moe introverted when I'm not chemically altered. I used alcohol and coke to "loosen up" which turned into serious abuse and alcoholism. What it really turned into was me ruining nearly every relationship I had and losing a lot of friends over. The friends I had were not exactly healthy either and that was a whole separate issue.

My conclusion is that being the real me, introverted and shy, that really wants the best for myself and others, and genuinely isn't trying to manipulate others for my own gain is liked a lot more than the me that used.

I thought I was the life of the party. Everyone else thought I was an A**H***.
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Old 11-08-2012, 03:02 AM
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Another thought here, You said that you made alcohol your identity. That is something a lot of alcoholics can really understand. For me, I always had a rocks glass with a nice bourbon or a light beer in my hand. It really was an extension of myself, so I thought. Why is that? Why do we feel like our disease is part of our personality that we can't separate from?

The way I see it, is that alcoholism overtakes our lives much the way some other debilitating disease takes over ones life. If you had cancer, or OCD, or type 2 diabetes, that too would be part of your "personality" because it is a part of your experience. The difference is that Alcoholics somehow see themselves as more charming, outgoing, etc.

This, to me, is just another head of the disease popping up, telling you that you can't do whatever without booze in you blood.
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Old 11-08-2012, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Findingmyself4 View Post
I don't know who I am without alcohol, I have made it my identity. How do I get past my shyness without drinking? I am going to one of his family members weddings this weekend and I have no idea how I am going to cope without drinking and having his family ask me about our marriage plans. Please help I need some advice and words of encouragement!

Thank you!!
You are the same person you were before drinking. It's not an identity but a bad habit. From what you said in your post, it is clearly not working for you; it's not bringing you out of your shell but just creating more problems. I have no doubt you can do fine at the upcoming wedding. All you need is a plan. Do you have a plan?
1. Figure out when you have to be at the wedding and when you can leave. Set a deadline.
2. Are you in the wedding party or just an observer?
3. What is expected of you from others and what do you expect from yourself?
4. I find the anticipation of social events is much worse than the actual event. Is it the event or the actual anticipation?
5. Will you have assigned seats or can you sit wherever you want?
6. Is this a daytrip or will you be spending the night somewhere?

I think once you have a plan and can defuse some of the stressors you associate with your drinking, perhaps you will have an easier go of it. Remember, most women love weddings and most dudes hate weddings (especially the reception). If you follow sports, find one of the dudes that is watching a game on his phone or tablet. I am pretty certain there will be one guy there doing that with a couple of other dudes around.

Drink some orange juice when other people hit the sauce and watch and observe the magic.
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Old 11-08-2012, 03:25 PM
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Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and advice, I will try and put them in to practice! I didn't think I would find this kind of support online so I am very humbled. I will let you know how the wedding went
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