self-destruction and isolation
 

Hello. I've been visiting this site off and on for about 6 months but have never posted. I am a 23 year old female alcoholic who has had 3 DUIs. I consider myself pretty intelligent and am currently finishing my degree as an Administrative Assistant. I've been in recovery for over a year now. I moved to a new town over the summer to live with my boyfriend of a yr and a half and have continued my journey. I attend AA meetings regularly to help me stay sober. But I feel myself lately beginning to wither away. I feel truly insane some days. One day I am thankful to the moon and back of my life and everything I've been given and have achieved over this past year and a half and the next day I am questioning why I am even alive. What I could possibly offer to this world of any value. Logically, I know these things are far off. But I get into these feelings of complete despair where I just lose all hope and find it hard to crawl out of my hole. Whatever the case, I am desperate to not have these feelings anymore. I know drinking is always an option but that would mean messing up everything I've worked so hard for, Again. And I'm sure not willing to do that. So then I find myself self-destructing in other ways. Not eating, (I am down to 108 lbs) negative self-talk, isolating myself. I know these things are all contributing to myself feeling worse and I know if I want a change I need to get the **** up and make it happen again. I'm just lost. I need some help/guidance/wisdom. Thanks for listening.

Hello

I've experienced the same thing. I'm 21 and spent years in college drinking and passing out almost every night, couldn't function, and my grades started to suffer tremendously. I isolated myself from my friends and family, couldn't eat. I would spend my days on campus feeling the worthlessness and shame that comes along with being drunk continuously.

The most important thing for me is to find pride in the fact that I am becoming sober. I found pride in the fact that I was making progress. progress in sobriety itself is STILL progress in life, and something to pat yourself on the back for. I envisioned the things in the future, the places I will go, the happiness and self-worth I will experience, when my mind is clean of the poison. I tried to envision that one day, I will succeed, look back, and be proud of myself for making it through the struggle and was still able to achieve my dreams.

welcome jess! alway awesome to read when someone recognizes the problem.
IMO, i think you gave yerself the solution,too:
"I need to get the **** up and make it happen again."

have you sat down with yer sponsor and went throught he steps again( or have you worked the steps?)

i seem to already know the solution to my problems but for some reason still search for alternatives. i don't have a sponsor. i have sober friends and people at meetings that im close with but they are mostly all males. i go to step meetings and learn in depth about the steps. i work 1-3. i've completed a short 4th step while in treatment but didn't seem to hold the value that it should have (seemingly an incomplete 4th step) i know getting a sponsor would help but what do i do in the meantime

One thing I know for sure in AA is that if we are not moving forward we are moving backwards. Get a sponsor and work the steps starting at 1. I do not believe that any of the steps can really be worked on your own. Go to a meeting every day you can until you start moving forward again. Read the BB and 12/12 daily

IMO one thing you do not need is any kind of romantic envolement at this point. Women friends are fine but nothing more until you can take care of yourself

jess, heres what has happened to me and what i did:
i was on an emotional roller coaster when i got into AA. now, im have been told i am bi polar, but in early recoveyr it felt more like quad polar: some days i was feelin really good, some days i was down, some days i didnt know, and some days i didnt care!
i got a sponsor and started working the steps. there was a lot of writing involved. i had to get what was rattling around in my melon on paper so i could see it, own it, then get into the solution, which the steps were the solution.
heres what i know:
the 1,2,3 dance doesnt work too good. the 1,2,3,12 step dance doesnt work too good either. i have seen many people stay sober but be miserable doin that and have seen poeple get drunk again doin that.
what i have seen worf real good is doin the 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, repeat step dance.

rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

please get a sponsor and work the steps thoroughly.

to add, seein ya wanting help and lookin for a solution, IMO thats progress!

tomsteve, you must be a sponsor yourself? :) I appreciate all the feedback. I know I am in denial thinking i can half-ass my program and expect things to be okay. "All you have to do is change everything" right? Haha i love AA and all the promise it holds for me. i guess this is where i start putting forth more effort if i want to see results. thanks for helping pull my head out of my ass..
much love

jess, i needed my sponsor to pull my head out of my ass( he needed a crowbar) and to help me from puttin it back up there.

there are something like 164 promises in the BB. heres a few:

there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you

You might need to change things up a bit. Going to meetings can be depressing and sad. Take a look on meetup dot com for some fun things to do in your area. They have all kinds of stuff from bowling to 40+ lesbian only groups. You might even pick up a new hobby that really interests you. Wish you the best.

Talk to your boyfriend and see if he would like to join a gym with you. It'd be good bonding time, both of you would feel physically and mentally better, and working out is a good way to cure boredom and fight depression =)
Good luck!

Hi and welcome!

Jess,

I can so relate to your post. Before I was alcoholic, I had anorexia. I was hospitalized 4 times and did 6 months at a residential treatment as well. Then all the sudden I was "cured" of my ED almost overnight. What happened? I stated drinking. I substituted drugs and alcohol for my obsession with food and my weight. It worked for a while and then I crashed and burned harder than ever.

I also deal with a very stubborn case of depression. I am not talking about a little blue day here and there either, I'm talking about wanting to DIE and feeling totally hopeless in sobriety and not in sobriety. We have many battles to fight. For some of us, only a total transformation of life as we know it and our thought patterns will suffice.

I'm so stubborn. I've relapsed again and again because I stopped attending meetings, stopped talking to people, stopped being of service to others, stopped caring. I let my head and my screwed up thinking become my reality. Sound like someone you know? ;)

Try to learn that your thoughts are just that : they are thoughts. They are not a definite reality or a mantra to live by. Especially the negative stuff. That's your disease. This is a scary disease that wants to take you out. You must recognize its presence in your psyche and prepare yourself for it to keep insisting that you are worthless, hopeless, dumb, not worthy, etc.

But if you choose to let go of your sobriety the disease has won again. Don't let your head take you out there. You might never make it back. You might get drunk and continue to get sick until you physically can't care for yourself. It happened to me.

You are beautiful at any weight. You are more than your mistakes, more than your self-doubt, more than your pain. You are worthy of happiness and true peace. You don't have to be in pain. Keep going with your recovery. Stay in school and educate yourself and better your life because YOU ARE SMART and YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Also, with the eating stuff, what works for me (and I have bad food days to this day believe me) is moderate exercise, eating "clean" (avoiding processed food and too much sugar), and staying away from the scale and the mirror as needed.

I hope you know that you can beat this thing. It's all one big evil "monster" and it kills people.

I'll be praying for you and sending good vibes. Hugs

jess, lookin back at this post i gotta thank ya! im havin a flaback and its makin me laugh!
yeah, i was told i had to change everything, 1st things 1st, take it easy, keep it simple, dont think dont drink go to meetings, think think think, dont go itno your own head without adult supervision...:react:gaah

WTF is 1st? how do i keep it simple when all i know is keep it complicated? WHERES AN ADULT!?!?!?!/

sometimes all i could do is sit in a chair and stare at the ceiling.

yeah, i was a wreck.

I can relate to a lot you said. I was an isolator, still am to some extinct. I think depression can be habbit forming and once the snowball of feeling sorry for ourselves and "woe is me" starts rolling its so hard to stop. You sound depressed. I was depressed too trying to quit drugs/alcohol so I have found a few really good ways that will guarentee you more better days than bad ones. 1) Anti-Depressants 2) Exercise 3) Connect with a higher power/ think about why you do what you do, what is your true purpose here on life? Are you just going through the motions? Thats how I felt until I cut through the BS society distracted me with and all the noise/current events/ trends etc. that distracted me from my true purpose in life and who I really was.

BabyJane,
I relate so much with what you were saying it's pretty crazy.. 'letting your head become your reality' really stood out to me. My head and my screwed up thinking are what really get me into trouble some days. I am so thankful for this website.

As I told you guys, I do not have a sponsor yet. But yesterday really lit a fire under my ass to get one. It's not every day that I have bad days like that, but when I do- I've learned this much- I desperately NEED to reach out. Something that has always been super hard for me as I try to be as independent as possible. But another thing I've learned however, is when I separate myself I am dwelling in my 'I'llness. When I reach out and make that 'I' a 'We' I am on my way to 'We'llness.

So I really just want to thank each and every one of you for replying to my post. Knowing I can reach out and receive such compassion and empathy is an incredible feeling.

Much gratitude and love -jessica