lastchance84

This is a marital question. I met my wife when I was in one of the deepest depths of my alchoholism about 5 years ago. My wife drinks but seldom and is not an alchoholic. She has never given me the ultimatum to quit drinking. I think maybe she was scared I would leave her. I was her first love and she was very shy and softspoken when we met but she has grown so much over the past 5 years. She has stuck by me through everything, I have lost about 8 jobs, due to a bad attitude or not showing up, Ive stolen from her, lied to her and not treated her the way she deserved to be treated. I have never hit her and always did my best to provide for her and keep her safe but I must atmit I would be a 2 out of 10 on a scale. The thing is she has always brought the best out in me and I know if she wasnt with me I would be dead by now. I have written her letters telling her she should leave me and find somebody that can give her a better life. Now I have made the decision that I will give up drinking for sure. The thing is has our marriage endured these 5 years because I love her or because i am relying on her? I dont want to sound like an ******* but i need some help if anyone has had experience with this. I have touble trusting others and my parents divorced twice. I know I am not head over heals like my first love. But she feels like family and I know when we are apart for a long period i go off the rails and i miss her. But I really dont know if I love her. Recently I have gotten the feeling she has been seeing someone else but i have no proof. I would understand if she did after what shes been through and everything but its almost like i want to catch her as an easy way out. I usually move to a new city or country every couple of years to escape my problems. I honestly dont know if it is love or not or if maybe im just afraid to give myself to her because of my drinking or past. Please no comments about what a ****** person i am i already know it which is why im quitting drinking. My question is , is it unfair to my wife to stay with her while i battle my addiction? Or should I seperate and beat my addiction and then reavaluate our relationship when Im sober for at least 6 months? Please any advice? And does my thinking shes cheating come from my drinking and insecurity? The hints were she has changed her appearance, seems to care more about her job than me and has bought another phone. And I cant see how she could love me anymore.

Dee74

Hi lastchance

I'm not sure anyone here can answer your question...I know I can't.

What I do know is early recovery is a time of great emotional upheaval...it's a time of immense change and can be a time of deep confusion.

I was a totally different person on day 90 that I was on day one...and sometimes I would change totally day to day.

I really think now's not the time to making another of those kinds of life changing decisions - getting sober is probably enough of a momentous change for now.

give it 2 or 3 months. You've been together 5 years....another 12 weeks is not much.
Work out who sober you is...then you can make the right decisions.

I may be wrong, but I bet you'll find you'll base those decisions then on less emotive factors than suspecting affairs, or you thinking how could she love you or what a monster you are etc etc.

D

lastchance84

Thats good advice. When i come down from drinking i strongly suspect she is cheating but then a week later im apologizing. Although today i found stuff which maybe made me think im not crazy. Would it hender my recovery if i went away for a few weeks? Thanks

Dee74

I don't know whether it would hinder your recovery or not - I guess you have to ask yourself do you think it would?

if not, what benefit would leaving be for you in terms of your recovery?
Are there any other benefits?

In any case, what effect would that have on your wife and your marriage?

I don't need to know but I think you need to ask yourself these kinds of questions

D