Steelers0789

Well its still day 11 of my recovery and as far as they day goes it happens to be going well as it possibly could what do i really have to complain about? In the wake of the devastation that the country is in after sandy i am very lucky to have never lost power or my house when so many have lost it all and i still have my sobriety which is a miracle in itself so why did i feel the need to once again put my thoughts onto paper well its rather simple its a form of healthy release for me and my mind is running rampant and i never know when its going to come to a stand still if it ever will but here i go to try and make any sense of what goes through my head on a daily basis the heaviest of all issues is my need for someone and the situation i now find myself in am i responsible for where things stand between me and the girl i love more than i ever knew humanly possible yes i am because i always hold these expectations and once someone doesnt meet them i am so willing to go down in a blaze of fire and no i am not being a hero but more of a coward because im running its something i have become very good at doing in the face of adversity i seem to tie my shoelaces as tightly as i can and without taking an inventory of how much destruction im going to leave in my wake because burning bridges is a forte of mine and in my life ive burnt down bridges that once seemed so indestructible but nothing in life is left without chinks in the armor and nothing is impossible once you set limitations on anything you've already set it up to fail so why should i even try in the first place but because of the purely insane nature of this disease that i wake up with every morning it makes any irrational thought seem like the best idea anyone who has ever walked this earth has ever had and in the end it only leads me to trouble which i seem to be a magnet for so maybe i have to just learn to let go and stop and think about someone other than me for once i wish things could be fixed but how can you fix something that has shattered into a million pieces because of things ive said or done and once its put out in the open it cant be unseen or unheard i think thats enough for now i hope one day i can make sense of all of this




In the past 14 days i've learned alot about myself and why i am the way i am at times and one of the main things is that i drank and drugged for so long because i wasnt ok with myself so instead of asking for help i just decided to go right for self sabbatoge and the sweet escape from reality that i craved so much every morning when i woke up and sure it helped for those few hours but id wake up again and start the vicious cycle all over again until it started to destroy my body,mind and soul and took away everything turning me into a black hole and everyone around me started to distance themselves from the insanity that my disease had brought upon not only myself but their lives too and in the chaotic world that i had now created for myself i still thought i was god's gift to the world and everyone should realize that and i had this sick fantasy built up and played it out so long until all of it came crashing down with a malicious vengeance and now here i stand at a turning point to either go and get help or completely give into this sickness that wants me dead by any means necessary but its very simple i dont wanna know but in order to keep this demon at bay i need to stop relying on myself and believe in something greater than me and for the time being im going to put that into my network because the second i even begin to think then im ****** because my thinking sucks look at where it got me so far ive exhausted almost every other option how many times am i going to go searching for that trapdoor only to find it then fall into a bigger hole than the last time im sick of feeling this way and im tired of letting everyone down and im just ******* spent when is enough gunna be enough when am i finally gunna just sit the **** down and listen because i dont know **** and as much as i hate the truth and the finger pointing at what is wrong with me its exactly what i need

Dee74

Hey Steelers

you fix things like we all do...one piece at time.
The most important piece for us all in early recovery is the not drinking and using bit - once we have that down, I think everything else tends to fall into place...

things may not always be as we'd like it or wish it, but I think sober we're always in a better position to handle whatever is happening

D