Letting People Go
 

Hi everyone, I posted this in the womens' forum but only got 1 response (which was nice but I've decided to re-post.) I'm real troubled and depressed about it so I was hoping you guys could help me out and give me your input...

I have been having a very hard time letting people from the past go-these people (friends and ex's) aren't bad people but through my drinking I pushed them away. I screwed up time and again and now they want nothing to do with me and it hurts alot. I wish I could go back and change things or see them or talk to them again and show them I'm working so hard and that I've changed a bit (or at least am trying to). But calls from them never come (probably never will) and although I know inside my head I should let them go my heart wont.

I get depressed and sad and am tired of holding onto things. Some days I get angry and want them to go through a hard time too. Sometimes I wonder if they ever think about me and then get mad when I tell myself they don't. One person in particular, an old friend who I reconnected with and abruptly lost again a while ago weighs heavily on my mind. I can't call or send a message to this person and daily I think about it. Again I'm tired of thinking about something I cannot change yet I'm constantly reminded of the bad things I've done and our current distance. I wake up missing them and thinking about it, go to bed missing them and thinking about it. What can I do to move on with my life and stop feeling this guilt and sadness??

Anyways just looking for some feedback if you have any. Thank you for listening.

Hi Meg
Maybe just focus on one day at a time.
I think maybe try & accept yourself & accept you can't change your past but that you can be a new brighter you.
You can go on to make new friends & have good relationships with them.
Believe in yourself & the rest will come.

This is one of those questions that has to do with cleaning up the wreckage of the past. It’s one area where the AA program can be of enormous help. There are multitudes of individuals who have done just this, with the help of a sponsor and the 12 steps. Also, the knowledge and experience that exists in the rooms of AA with regard to this question is enormous. I would enthusiastically recommend that you get involved with AA, find a sponsor and work the steps. Hope you don’t find my advice too blunt or not specific enough regarding your situation, but it’s a complicated issue for most. It also often requires a tailor made plan for different individuals in our past. I think this is by far the best way to deal with the wreckage.

IMO Always look forward one day at a time. The past should only be viewed as a reminder of what not to do again cause Rosiepetal is right you can't change it. You don't know what the future holds. I still have people from my past showing up wondering if it's safe to be friends again. But work your recovery first and foremost.

I made a lot of new friends...but I found a lot of my old friends came back too...

I found a lot of my old friends did forgive me - but I left it on their time...I just kept my head down, quietly changing my life, becoming who I wanted to be, and although it wasn't for other people...other people noticed.

Not everyone came back tho..and while that's sad it is what it is...people grow and change and move on, ending old chapters and starting new ones...

that's just something we have to live with, I think Meg.

D

Yeah, I think it's important to remember that people change and move on, regardless of what you've done. I was a military wife for many years and friends would come and go like the changing wind. Either we were moving or they were moving. That was something I had to come to terms with, and it had nothing to do with alcohol, whatsoever.

That said, I lost a couple of good friends due to me isolating myself when I was drinking. And, it is what it is. It's sad, but as Dee said, all I could do was take care of myself and move on. If you take a step back, you will see that people come into your life for a reason and it's not always easy to understand.

Hi Meg. I understand how you feel - I've let these things eat away at me, too. I finally have decided in order to heal I'll have to accept what's impossible to change. (Dee helped me with that when I first came here.) My losses involved family members, too - some people didn't even try to understand - and that really hurt deeply. I know I would never have treated them so coldly.

I always was willing to forgive people when they didn't act the way I thought they should. I wanted to hold on to their friendship, so I would overlook hurtful things. I expected the same would be done for me - but in many cases it wasn't.

At two months sober, it's still fairly early in recovery for you Meg. It took me awhile to let go of the hurt and confusion as I came out of my fog. It happened, though. New friends - a better life - are going to be yours. I'm sure of it.

I was feeling bad today because my car is broke down. Then was talking to a NEWCOMER who is living in one...

Why not go put on a commitment in a prison or detox?

It's early days- we all have regrets- over time our perspective shifts- We cannot rebuild our lives without both time and commitment- in-between there is some pain- you are not running from that

It helped me with the daily practice of gratitude to focus on what was working rather than what wasn't - we can build on the good

I don't understand what you mean.

Thanks everyone for your responses. You're right, I am pretty early in recovery so I'll try to just take it day by day and not worry or get so down about these things. Truth is I'd drink alot to forget and feel better (as I'm sure many of us did), it's hard facing things soberly. I have to remember to accept and learn. Thanks again

This is a tough one. But I think you have gotten some good responses so far. I would definitely try to reach out to others near you in recovery who are also sober and build new relationships for support at this time. Perhaps things with others from your past will change, perhaps they won't. But, all we have is today--and for me getting bogged down too much with the past or the future never does well for my emotional state. All we truly have is today.

Hang in there.

Meg, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Maybe you could write them short notes sharing a memory, thanking them for the friendship they brought into your life, apologizing for things you might have done to hurt them, and telling them you're in recovery now and that you miss them. They may not respond, but airing the feelings may give you some closure, and your honesty may bring some communication from them. If they completely ignore the notes, then you can move on at least knowing you tried your best to fix things.

Hi Meg,
I have been going through something similar, when my mind starts up its useless thinking about situations that I have no controlover or wish in my life, I use the serenity prayer as a mantra to stop the thinking. I actually just ask for serenity to accept the things Icannot change. It is really helping me.

caiHong

I just wonder if it's helpful to consider ex's and friends in the same way. In my experience, it's not worth fantasising over ex's that might come back - you split for a reason, after all. Friends are a different matter and there's some sound advice above about that. But frankly, a bit of loneliness can be useful, for me at least. It makes me more inclined to go to my groups and take part in community activities, rather than just hook up with friends and get drunk in bars.

Something that's helped me (is helping me) move on from this is to look at the flip side. There are many friends and family members I let drift away, sometimes for no real reason, sometimes because it felt like more trouble than it was worth to keep them in my life. Some I ran from out of self protection.

I think about whether or not I want these people back in my life...and often I don't. I've moved on, I don't have "room" for them, I don't want to go through the bother of giving them a second, third or 600th chance, whatever.

When it seemed like everybody got a facebook page, I looked up a bunch of old friends. I was in a lonely place in my life and wanted to reconnect, I felt pretty bad and rejected that there wasn't much of a response from some of them, I was in a very needy place in my life. But now I have a little more perspective.

I was super needy and insecure, but they weren't. They didn't have a huge gaping hole in their lives that they were desperate to fill with someone.

Looking back over the years I can see many times I've done the same thing, not out of malice, revenge or anything. I just was busy with my own life and didn't make an effort to reconnect. Maybe those people were going through something and could have really used my friendship, but I just didn't see it, or didn't want to fill that role at the time.

good questions anbd thoughts again, meg. good on ya!
look at it like this: would you have wanted to be around you when you were drinking? if yer like me, then hell no!! throwing me out of their lives was one of the greatest moves anyone that was aruond me made.
now heres something else to look at:
you werent a bad person. you were sick; mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

when i got into AA, all that crap from the past, the crap i tried to drink away, was right there in my mind front and center. it took T.I.M.E. for me to get it all sorted out and get me weller.

now heres something i suggest ya do:

go look in the mirror and tell yourself," im not a bad person gettin good. im a sick person gettin weller." keep doin it every time yer near a mirror.

its gonna get better,meg. give it T.I.M.E.

Thanks guys, today I feel a little better.

That's very good news, Meg. I'm so glad to hear that. Tomorrow will be even better. :)

I struggle with this as well Meg, and as others have said that is just not with alcohol, it's life, they say people come into your life a reason, season or a lifetime, but they all are part of our lives to teach us something, we must learn from it and move on. This is easier said than done, and letting some of the people go truly hurts my heart :(