New to Forum, Needed the Reminders
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 3
New to Forum, Needed the Reminders
Hi Everyone,
I've been sober for almost two years. I can't say I've been in recovery though, because as I read these boards it is increasingly clear how codependent I've been for all of that time.
I remained in a relationship with a man who never disclosed his addiction to opiates to me. I smile when I read the posts from people trying to figure out if their partner is an addict because that was me. And here's the really ironic part... not only was I working on my own sobriety, I was working in the drug and alcohol treatment field! If anyone should have been able to recognize trouble, it's me, but denial does not discriminate any more than addiction does!
I would come home with handouts about the signs of opiate use and the rule outs for constricted pupils and still he would lie to my face... and I would find ways to believe him. When that became impossible, I prepared to lose "everything". I found a place for myself and began moving out. At the last minute, he entered detox. He made all the promises about going to meetings and finding a job, any job, if he could stay with me when he got out. I let him. He relapsed within days. I let him stay. He stopped going to meetings. I let him stay. We moved to an apartment he liked better and bought things for it that he pushed for. I paid for everything he needed and everything his kids needed - because he never did get that job, any job. So long as he was clean, right? Well, that didn't last either. I noticed some odd behavior here and there and rationalized it all away. But then the odd behavior started looking oddly familiar. One morning he went to put gas in my car and was gone for a very long time. I worried he had been in an accident. But then he pulled up, happy as could be. I left for work. When I saw him later that night, he could not stop talking. Now, this is a man who usually doesn't have two words to say about anything! And he told me about all the cleaning he had done. The next day, when I came home, it was more of the same. He showed me how he had scrubbed the grout between all the tiny kitchen floor tiles and how he had cleaned the laundry room and done loads of laundry and washed the floors and on and on. He didn't stop talking and asking me questions. When I answered, he would just ask again. That old chill went down my spine. I like a clean house, but it only gets THAT clean when I do it or he's using. I tried to look into his eyes but he was avoiding eye contact. I asked him why he wouldn't look at me and so he did and there were the pinpoint pupils. Lizard eyes.
It was useless to ask him, but I did. I asked what he'd done and where he got the money. I drove to the ATM and checked my debit card and found my answer. The day before, right before the loooooong trip to get gas, he had gone to CVS for one small bottle of store brand ibuprofen. The charge at CVS was over 40 dollars. And the clever monkey had tried to cover his tracks by telling me he'd put 30 dollars of gas in my car. According to the ATM, it was more like 12. I chose to believe the ATM. It hadn't lied to me in the past. I got home and told him to go. I took no bait. I did not engage. After he left, I found this site and read and recognized the direction I needed to take for growth and healing.
I spent today taking care of myself. I ate nutritious foods and took a 2 hour hike. I did not respond to the text that read "Is this what you really want?" When I got home, I left my phone in car.
It's good to be here.
I've been sober for almost two years. I can't say I've been in recovery though, because as I read these boards it is increasingly clear how codependent I've been for all of that time.
I remained in a relationship with a man who never disclosed his addiction to opiates to me. I smile when I read the posts from people trying to figure out if their partner is an addict because that was me. And here's the really ironic part... not only was I working on my own sobriety, I was working in the drug and alcohol treatment field! If anyone should have been able to recognize trouble, it's me, but denial does not discriminate any more than addiction does!
I would come home with handouts about the signs of opiate use and the rule outs for constricted pupils and still he would lie to my face... and I would find ways to believe him. When that became impossible, I prepared to lose "everything". I found a place for myself and began moving out. At the last minute, he entered detox. He made all the promises about going to meetings and finding a job, any job, if he could stay with me when he got out. I let him. He relapsed within days. I let him stay. He stopped going to meetings. I let him stay. We moved to an apartment he liked better and bought things for it that he pushed for. I paid for everything he needed and everything his kids needed - because he never did get that job, any job. So long as he was clean, right? Well, that didn't last either. I noticed some odd behavior here and there and rationalized it all away. But then the odd behavior started looking oddly familiar. One morning he went to put gas in my car and was gone for a very long time. I worried he had been in an accident. But then he pulled up, happy as could be. I left for work. When I saw him later that night, he could not stop talking. Now, this is a man who usually doesn't have two words to say about anything! And he told me about all the cleaning he had done. The next day, when I came home, it was more of the same. He showed me how he had scrubbed the grout between all the tiny kitchen floor tiles and how he had cleaned the laundry room and done loads of laundry and washed the floors and on and on. He didn't stop talking and asking me questions. When I answered, he would just ask again. That old chill went down my spine. I like a clean house, but it only gets THAT clean when I do it or he's using. I tried to look into his eyes but he was avoiding eye contact. I asked him why he wouldn't look at me and so he did and there were the pinpoint pupils. Lizard eyes.
It was useless to ask him, but I did. I asked what he'd done and where he got the money. I drove to the ATM and checked my debit card and found my answer. The day before, right before the loooooong trip to get gas, he had gone to CVS for one small bottle of store brand ibuprofen. The charge at CVS was over 40 dollars. And the clever monkey had tried to cover his tracks by telling me he'd put 30 dollars of gas in my car. According to the ATM, it was more like 12. I chose to believe the ATM. It hadn't lied to me in the past. I got home and told him to go. I took no bait. I did not engage. After he left, I found this site and read and recognized the direction I needed to take for growth and healing.
I spent today taking care of myself. I ate nutritious foods and took a 2 hour hike. I did not respond to the text that read "Is this what you really want?" When I got home, I left my phone in car.
It's good to be here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
You went through all that during your own recovery, without support! You are amazing and incredibly strong. From reading your post you have had really enough with your man. All the best on your continued journey. You can now concentrate on YOU and eating well and hiking are also what I like to do to show myself some love.
Glad you found us, we can learn a lot from you and vice versa.
S x
Glad you found us, we can learn a lot from you and vice versa.
S x
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