LacedBlunts

I am struggling really badly with my addiction to crack-laced blunts. I started out mixing marijuana with crack and rolling it up in cigars because the paper burned too fast and I dont roll "joints" well. But, as in most times with addicts, I got into legal trouble and now, at age 41, have to report to a probation officer every month and provide urine samples. Marijuana stays in your system too long and despite my continued stupid actions, I really don't EVER want to go back to jail, even if it was only 1 time and only for 6 hours. So, I did what any addict would do, I improvised. I now roll my primo blunts with either the tobacco out of cigarettes or the actual cigar tobacco.

I am soooo tired of living this way and have actually, seriously quit 3 times. So, I KNOW I CAN DO IT!!! I'm one of the lucky ones too because I don't suffer withdrawal when I quit. So, one might ask...."why keep using?"

I ask myself that same question over and over again. Each time, I come up with the same answer. I'm a very emotional person and am currently "trying" to end an 18-year marriage with an abusive spouse. The first 13 years was great, but over the last 5 years things have progressively gotten to much for me to handle.

He's never physically abused me, but the verbal, mental and emotional abuse is even worse. Also, he doesn't pay me any attention anymore unless I'm giving him sex. He also "pounds the pavement" very loudly and harshly over and over again about anything I do wrong, but almost NEVER says anything about all the positive things I do. If he does, there is NO enthusiasm at all.

Each time he abuses me, it "triggers" me wanting to use. I'm what they call a binge user with a trigger. I can go for long periods of time without using, but when a traumatic event occurs, I start using and I continue to use for days, sometimes weeks. These events cost me anywhere from $200 to $900. I'm not rich, so a lot of things go lacking when I binge.

I'm sooooo tired now. I've wanted to just give up several times, but I come from parents that didn't take care of their children. So when I want to give up, I think of what it would do to my children (11 and 21-year-olds) if I "left" them. That's the ONLY thing that keeps me going. But I continue to use and anyway and can't seem to stop "permanently".

This is not ALL of the story. I just needed to START the venting process in a place where I can be totally honest. You can't just tell anyone that you use crack in anyway. To most people it doesn't matter if you use it off the pipe or roll it in primos.....you are still labeled a "crackhead". With all that I've been experiencing, that's the last thing I need right now....more verbal abuse.

Can someone.....anyone....share their insight with me????? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE....I'm at my wits end!!!!

Thanks!!!

Sazzle

Hiya and welcome to a fab place for quitting vices. I can't even pretend to know what you are addicted to but I can feel your determination in your post.

Keep reading and posting and take each day at a time, or hour at a time or minute. Whatever you need. Listen out for that sneaky addict voice in your head which will try and temp you. Do lots of displacement activities.

Don't get hung up on labels. You are unique, you are you. Don't listen to verbal abuse

Most of all stick around. I tried to quit wine in July. I planted the seed and then came back 7 days ago to really make the changes I knew I needed to make

Take care of yourself and your boys

S x

Threshold

When I got into recovery I believed that I had "used" in order to cope with life. I now realize that I used so I could NOT cope with life. Using kept me from coping.

I think addressing situations, as hard, painful, scary and impossible as they seem to be...truly coping with them, is the way for me to go.

When I was a child, my mother didn't want to "deal" with my needs and emotions. I was threatened, beaten and shunned into not showing my emotions and feeling ashamed, hateful and scared of them, after all they got me into a LOT of trouble.

I spent decades trying to kill my feelings, lest they get me into further trouble. When I couldn't kill them, I tried to numb them.

Being in an abusive relationship often leads to people hating their emotions and hating themselves for having them in the first place.

Learning that it's normal to feel, and learning to accept my feelings, is critical to my recovery. The only way for me to do that is to not use, no matter what, and realize that my feelings alone will not kill me. And to get out of the cycle of relationships that reinforce my fear of my own feelings.

It's not something that can be done in a day, but every day it becomes clearer to me that that is the key to my survival.

Being in a relationship with someone who was abused as a child also was an eye opener, seeing from the other side what those experiences do to a person.

Dee74

Hi LB

I think threshold makes a brilliant point...I've never used crack, but getting high for me was not about coping at all...it was specifically about not coping, about running away, and not finding solutions.

I'm sorry for your life as it is...but whatever changes you need to make to make it better it's got to be better than smoking crack I think.

Our experiences may not be exactly the same but I know about addiction...it can and will get worse unless we make changes...

I'm glad you're here - you're among friends

welcome to SR

D