machinestate

Hi, brand new here, and 4 months into recovery.

I'm finishing up my 90-in-90 after completing a rehab program. I have a reservation I can't shake that's pretty much at the root of 12-step programs - I don't buy the fact that I'm addicted to all substances just because I'm very much addicted to my two drugs of choice - MJ and opiates.

My history --

Pot: Used MJ daily for 14 years, barring times I had to quit due to legal or financial issues, and recovery. I would love to use MJ again, but I am irreversibly convinced I can't - there is no "once more" for me with this drug, it's 100's of times more because every time I pick up after quitting, I simply cannot put it down. This is the longest I've been off grass since I first started, but no matter how long I stay clean, I'll never be able to use MJ successfully. When I'm on my death bed, I might consider it...

Opiates: I used on a schedule for years. I felt like I was in control, but I was most likely fooling myself. Eventually something happened (medical issue, but really could have been a number of other things that would do it) and I lost control. After treatment, and every day since, I look back on opiate use and am convinced I was flushing my life down the commode. It's no way to live, and I blame opiates in particular for not being motivated to be more successful in life. I miss the effect, but not enough to go back to hating myself & not being able to do anything about it at all except temporarily numb the emotional pain. Drugs are not my root cause failure - I am that root cause, and drugs are just another effect - an effect that prevents me from treating the cause. The longer I stay away from opiates, the more scared I am to try using them successfully, and that's just fine with me.

Booze: Drank alcohol on the average of 4x a week, usually 2 drinks a day. It wasn't heavy drinking, but it was definitely improper drinking, as my last year of using anything (or everything, as the case was) I was drinking every day during lunch breaks & before bed, as a habit. Emotionally and physically, I can't afford to go back to that again, yet I'm reasonably sure I can still drink infrequently without it becoming a substitute for my DoC's, or causing me to think I can successfully use my DoC's again. In the rooms, they constantly talk about having this reservation, and it causing them to either become a full-blown alcoholic, or return to active drug addiction. Yet there's no telling how people fared who have left the rooms and not had reason to come back.

Shortly after getting my 90 days AA chip and NA tag, I tried drinking and didn't care for the effect or even the taste. That depressed me, because there are many occasions where I would like to drink - particularly wine. Tonight I'm trying wine, and again the taste is nasty. Maybe it's bad wine, but I have trouble accepting that I'll never enjoy alcohol again. At first I thought I should be happy that I don't like alcohol, but I used to like it -- maybe just as a fix rather than real enjoyment? Could it be that I don't miss alcohol so much as the feeling that it temporarily gave me something I wanted? Whatever the case, I feel like I should be able to have 1-2 drinks without it changing my "sober date" and without it meaning I've "fallen off a wagon". I enjoy attending 12step meetings (NA, AA, CA) because I'm still learning how to deal with life without constantly being turned on to one thing or another. But my problems, and especially my solutions will never be taken seriously if people realize I still use any substance, no matter how frequently. I find that really sad.

Other drugs: I've tried just about everything. Some things I would like to use again, others never again. But I've never had a compulsion to use anything other than MJ, opiates and alcohol.

I also gamble, but rarely. I set limits and rarely break them - the few times I have, I've quit that form of gambling and never looked back (the stock market, yeesh!)

end of history --

My best friend is still addicted to opiates, he hasn't hit his bottom yet so he has no idea. But while using those, he can still go months between a drink or a toke without batting an eye. I didn't have that kind of control when I was full-blown. I know many others like him as well, who are only addicted to one thing, and occasionally use other substance without those substances in particular adversely affecting their lives.

I guess what I'm looking for is a recovery group that doesn't consider one addiction as evident that a person is addicted to anything and everything else. Are there any groups like that where people meet face to face? Do many people at this forum feel the same?

Thanks for listening, glad to be here.

Dee74

Hi Machinestate

I'm not in any recovery group...

but I really believe the problem was me, not the drugs I used.

I had a desire to escape my life, and I had a void inside me I tried to fill first with pot, then with booze...both ended badly.

I have no doubt other drugs would have ended the same way for me had I had the opportunity to abuse them.

The solution for me was to fix that void within me...when I feel no need to escape, there's no longer a need to run away and get high.

If I was using things to 'fix' something, I'd have to step back and look at that because that's the way I used to operate.

In the end, this is my truth...we all have to discover what our truth is, and I wish you the best with that machinestate .

I know you'll find some deep discussion and helpful advice here

welcome
D

Natom

Hey Machinestate,

Congrats on doing the 90 in 90 in rehab. I heard it is tough going although I have never done it myself. This is just from my experience but I also thought that I was only addicted to my drug of choice. A few months later I was convinced that it was me that had the problem and I just found whatever I could to feed it.

After I stopped using drugs I started using women, and whilst you know fun at first, trying to be a little player, this got really unhealthy and destructive really quickly. I ended up in hotel rooms and apartments that I didn't know, with different people. It all got mad. I was clean but I was using sex to fill the gap. Eventually I stopped doing that and decided to start gambling because you know, my head was saying it wasn't the same as the drugs. Long story short it was, hit my rock bottom in that.

We have addictive personalities, we are looking for something to fill that void we have. In my experience I know I can't give up on thing and use something else in moderation. It just does not work for me. I don't know if there are any recovery group or methods that use the same ethos you are looking for but I wish you the best of luck in your journey mate.

Natom.

MemphisBlues

Me? Drugs of choice pot and benzos. Alcohol....never liked much, until I realized it was readily available and would obliterate me being me.

You've done AA and NA, got your 90 days chip, and drank. I do NA and AA and in both programs, a drug is a drug. I have avoided both for two years now.

I went without my drugs of choice for years and just drank, sometimes to extreme, most of the time somewhat like a "normal."

For me, being addicted to one thing set me up for addiction to any mind altering substance. And take it from me, there is a lot to be said about the progressive nature of any potentially addictive substance doing far more damage eventually then we think it might.

I hate jargon, but am humble enough to accept that there is a whole lot of truth and wisdom in most of them muttered in the rooms of NA and AA. You might want to consider adding the word "yet" to the notion of alcohol not being a problem. Alcohol brought me to my knees.

doggonecarl

First, welcome to Sober Recovery.

If you want to rationalize your recovery, that's your right. But it doesn't make it correct, and I doubt you will convince anyone here, except maybe another newcomer.

Here's my history.

Drug addict at 22. Used anything to get high but was hooked on meth and pot. Meth was destroying me, so when I quit that in 1982, I thought I had free rein to keep using the other drugs since they weren't so bad. After 12 years of drug use, quit everything illegal, but kept drinking--because it wasn't my problem.

Well 25 years later, here I am, recoverying from alcoholism.

If someone had told me years ago that I should quit drinking, I wouldn't have listened. But I'm wiser now. Recovery...solid recovery...means clean from drugs and alcohol.

Any thoughts you have that you are the exception is your addictive mind talking to you. Don't listen to it.

Good luck.

BadCompany

Two ways you can address that. You can rely on the experience of others that have successfuly faced this dilema before you, or you can test this theory yourself.

Let us know how it turns out.

MIRecovery

A drug is a drug. The primary reason I am an alcoholic is because it is cheap, easy, and legal but watch out for Gambling, Porn, Sex or other compulsive behaviors. If you have to lie about it, then it is an unhealthy activity

candig

Hi my name is Candi I was in aa for five years about 20 yrs ago. I used sparingly and thought i was fine. any how i injured what already was injured my four deteriorating disk in my lower back in 11/2010 on the job and was on several pain medcications because none help;ed the pain. I finally started taking tramidol and became addicted. I cold turkeyed myself and have been clean since 10-16-12 so yes i believe that an addict to one is an addict to everything. I dont think i can even eat with out being addicted to some foods. That is my oppion I am sober for today by gods grace Candi

Anna

Like Dee, I don't belong to any group, and I recognized that the problem was me, not the substance (alcohol for me). Whenever you look for something outside of you to make you feel better, it can be a problem.

I hope you keep reading and posting and you'll find lots of support here.