Xxwideawake25Xx

Hi, I'm new to this site and I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for.... I'll keep it short and sweet for this post but I am 25 and I have been abusing drugs and alcohol for ten years. I went to rehab in 2010 for opiate addiction and found out I was pregnant. I was able to stay clean for my pregnancy but about a month or two after my daughter was born I started using drugs and alcohol again here and there, thinking I was strong enough to control it. Well, long story short July-September of this year (2012) I went balls to the balls to the wall with drinking and smoking pot almost daily, along with doing opiates, benzos, X pretty much whatever I could get my hands on. On 9/15 I caught the man I had been seeing in bed with someone else. I ******* lost it... the next day I was riding around drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle after I had already taken 5 valiums. I went to his home.. He wouldnt speak to me and nobody would let me in to talk to him (INSANITY I KNOW). I drove home and went to bed. Laying there, I was ready to die. I was so hurt and so out of control. I ended up calling my famiily for help and having them take me to ER, started a outpatient psych program that week and was convinced to start an outpatient drug and alcohol treatment program the followig week.

So here I am, 6 weeks later. Clean and sober. Attending outpatient 3 nights a week. At first I felt like I was on top of the world and things could only get better from here. WRONG. For the past week or so I have felt so ******* depressed. I hadnt even heard the term PAWS until my outpatient meeting the other day but I assume this is what I'm feeling. I've been overly tired, irritable, having migraines and just SO SO SO ******* depressed. And yes I'm on antidepressants. I litterally cannot be on any dosages higher then what I am now. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this depression. All I want to do is put drugs and alcohol in my body to make this feeling go away. I learned that this PAWS can last for months... I don't know how I can deal with this for any ******* longer. I've become so good at shutting out pain and depression but I just can't right now and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm sorry if this is rambling or if it doesn't make sense. Its a lot longer then I thought it would be but I'm at a loss as to where to turn or what to do. I have outpatient tomorrow. I don't feel like I'm going to use because I know better but I still just want this awful black cloud off of me so I can get on with life.

sugarbear1

Are you working a program of recovery other than the out patient program?

Untreated alcoholism can be treated with working a program of recovery. Anxiety and depression can lesson and even go away, when treated.

Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes a medical evaluation and prescribed medications, but for me, the 12 steps of AA saved my life and have taken my depression and anxiety completely away.

I suggest you find a program of recovery like AA, AVRT, SMART, Life Ring, or Women for Sobriety and work it like your life depends upon it!

With love and hugs,

Dee74

Hi and welcome Xxwideawake25Xx

Here's a link on Paws - see what you think
PAWS « Digital Dharma

my PAWs experience was nothing like yours tho.
Having suffered from both, I think there's PAWs and then there's depression y'know?


do you have a Dr you go to for your depression? Why not start there?
maybe your meds meed to be looked at, who knows?

D

Xxwideawake25Xx

Yes I started seeing my child psychiatrist actually he works at the same place I went for the outpatient psych care and where I'm at now for outpatient drug and alcohol treatment. He adjusted my meds right away and I felt GREAT!! For weeks actually and it seems to have just dropped off out of no where. I don't know if its PAWS or depression or what but the physical side effects (tiredness, migraines, irritability) I can deal with. Depression on the other hand is getting in the way of my life.

About 12 step meetings and working 12 steps, although I have tried them in the past and been to a bunch of different ones and I don't feel like its for me at this time.

I'm just not convinced this "SOBER" living is all its cracked up to be honestly. In between all this, I ended up getting laid off from my job. I have no social life anymore as I can't "go out" and do the other things my friends do. I've pretty much been single since I got pregnant in 2010. I'm not getting along with my family. I feel like I have no one besides my two year old daughter. My life is consisting of sitting in the house with a 2 year old. Spending time with her is great but thats really all I have right now. I feel like I'm going through this alone.

Dee74

You're not alone here

I think your addiction might be screwing with your mind a little...life can be tough...even when we're sober...and it can be really hard in the beginning to adjust to things without our 'crutch'.

But...think back to all the reasons you quit.

Think of you all the things you want and deserve in your life.
Think of who you want to be....

Being drunk is not the way to get any of those things.

Think of your little one - she deserves a sober mom too

D

Xxwideawake25Xx

Thanks for your kind words