Pinkallie

Hi Everyone,

I decided to join this forum because I do not have time to go to Al-anon meetings even though I really want to. I am a single mom that works full time. Let me start out by giving everyone a little background on me. My mother was an extreme alcoholic in which she succumb to her disease when I was 21 and being the fact that she had no close kin I had to make the decision to take her off life support which was very hard for me. All my life I wanted to protect her and change her and though I thought if I just worked real hard she would change but she never wanted to quit. She was also very abusive but I'm not going to get into the details of that because I loved my mom. I knew if she wasn't an alcoholic she wouldn't be soo mean. I had a lot of hate when she died because I felt like if she loved me enough she would have quit but I don't know. I never thought I would be in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic but I was in one for a 1 1/2. I loved him. I knew him for 8 years. When I saw him for the first time of August ’11, I was soo happy to see him but now looking back he was probably drunk and desperate for companionship that he wanted to see me again. When I started seeing him, everybody told me what a liar he was and that he didn’t have a job even though he told me he was working at Chase. He got fired for drinking on the job. His brother moved out of the house that him and my bf were sharing which left my bf homeless. I moved in with my father a year ago, so I couldn’t let him live with me. So, I put him in motels...convinced him to go to detox at a hospital which he did twice. The second time he went in for detox, the doctors told me he dranked enough for a party and couldn’t believe he was still alive. I finally found a rehab in which he would be in for 2 years, which only cost 350 (his family paid for it). While he was in rehab, he would begin to sneak call me and tell me how much he changed but that he didn’t want to stay in rehab anymore because he missed me. He made all these promises of how he was going to survive once he got out of rehab. For example, getting his TWIC card so he could go on to an oil rig. I believed him when he said that he wanted to suppor t his daughter and I thought he was better so I helped him get out. Too make a way too long story short. Needless to say, it did not work out the way he told me. Immediately he started drinking again. Losing jobs, becoming very abusive and me. Blaming me for his alcohol. His sister finally took him in but decided it was best if he not see me. I was hurt but we would still see each other. She caught him with vodka in her bathroom but didn’t kick him out. The next week, we saw each other. He drank at Taco Cabana but he is working at Ihop and had his own money so I couldn't stop him from drinking. I told him “no”, but he said it was ok. When he came in, his sister texted me the next day saying he reeked of alcohol and basically was blaming me for his drinking problem. I told her to leave me alone and she threaten to drop him off at my place. She kicked him out the next day, he was blaming me for being out on the streets. I didn't help till late the next night due to the fact I didn't like he was blaming me and I was scared of him. I told him I had enough that he needed to go to rehab. He was very upset and crying when I told him that but his family picked up I believe and I hadn't had any contact except that his brother told me he was ok. My ex said he would call me but he didn't. I still love him and I feel lost not talking to him. He was my friend. I miss that. Any advice on how to make myself a better person so maybe one day I can see him an be friends. I don’t know what to do. Thanks everyone who took the time reading the post. I know its long.

Sueski

His actions are not your fault. You've done the best you knew, for him. Maybe it's time to take care of yourself? I don't think you should worry about being a better person for anything to do with him, but for yourself. Take care, okay? Try some Alanon reading since you can't get to meetings...

Pinkallie

I know...I need to better myself and concentrate on myself. I hate that I worry about him. I want to be done with him I just don't know how. I don't want him to die or become homeless. He has a little girl Anyways, I will defenitly take your advice and look up some articles. Thanks Again.

Sueski

It's hard. I know what you mean about hating the worrying. We can't control them, but it's hard to resist trying.

Dee74

Hi Pinkallie

I think sueski's advice is good - hopefully he'll find his moment of clarity like I did and start to work to turn his life around...but that's not up to you me or anyone else but him, I'm afraid.

I'd encourage you to look at our Family and Frioends forums too, as well as our Codependency and Beyond thread here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-25-a-8.html

D

sugarbear1

Al Anon online