Just in time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 106
Just in time...
Hi everyone.
Where do I start? I met my AH 4 years ago. We've been married for 3 (second marriage for both of us). I saw signs of his alcoholism, but given what he was going through (custody issues with false allegations by EW (thrown out by judge), mother dealing with terminal cancer, laid off because of job moved overseas), I chose to ignore them. About a year ago (one year after his mom's passing), things got really bad. I started attending Al-Anon in the hopes that I could find a way to deal with it. After several episodes of name calling, yelling. lying, broken promises, hiding alcohol, sneaking drinks, threats of leaving and divorce, physical violence (against things, not me) and more frequently occuring blackouts, I decided I could no longer live with him.
I took several months to make plans to leave and confronted him less than a week ago. I told him to either leave or I would. I never mentioned AA because all the time we'd been together, he had always told me he would never quit drinking and never attend AA. He completely broke down and begged me not to leave. He said he would cut back, stop sneaking wine, that he could not live without me, etc.... all the typical promises. I said no. He had broken his work to many times and I no longer trusted anything he said. He then offered the one thing he never said he would. He agreed to quit completely and attend AA. I asked him to leave for the night so that I could think about it...
I then left for my own Al-Anon meeting. He texted me after and asked if he could call. I agreed and spoke to him for a few minutes during which he told me he had attended his first meeting that night and had 2 temporary sponsors.
It has now been 6 days and he has attended 3 meetings (has shown me his chip, book and liturature, so I know he has been to at least 2). He's not had anything to drink as far as I can tell (it's pretty easy to tell with him- there are certain obvious signs that he can't cover up).
He has agreed that if he blows it in the next 30 days, he will have to leave. And I'm trying very hard not to get overly optomistic because I know how alcoholics are. I guess what I'm wondering is what others have experienced in similar situations and am I being unrealistically hopeful?
Where do I start? I met my AH 4 years ago. We've been married for 3 (second marriage for both of us). I saw signs of his alcoholism, but given what he was going through (custody issues with false allegations by EW (thrown out by judge), mother dealing with terminal cancer, laid off because of job moved overseas), I chose to ignore them. About a year ago (one year after his mom's passing), things got really bad. I started attending Al-Anon in the hopes that I could find a way to deal with it. After several episodes of name calling, yelling. lying, broken promises, hiding alcohol, sneaking drinks, threats of leaving and divorce, physical violence (against things, not me) and more frequently occuring blackouts, I decided I could no longer live with him.
I took several months to make plans to leave and confronted him less than a week ago. I told him to either leave or I would. I never mentioned AA because all the time we'd been together, he had always told me he would never quit drinking and never attend AA. He completely broke down and begged me not to leave. He said he would cut back, stop sneaking wine, that he could not live without me, etc.... all the typical promises. I said no. He had broken his work to many times and I no longer trusted anything he said. He then offered the one thing he never said he would. He agreed to quit completely and attend AA. I asked him to leave for the night so that I could think about it...
I then left for my own Al-Anon meeting. He texted me after and asked if he could call. I agreed and spoke to him for a few minutes during which he told me he had attended his first meeting that night and had 2 temporary sponsors.
It has now been 6 days and he has attended 3 meetings (has shown me his chip, book and liturature, so I know he has been to at least 2). He's not had anything to drink as far as I can tell (it's pretty easy to tell with him- there are certain obvious signs that he can't cover up).
He has agreed that if he blows it in the next 30 days, he will have to leave. And I'm trying very hard not to get overly optomistic because I know how alcoholics are. I guess what I'm wondering is what others have experienced in similar situations and am I being unrealistically hopeful?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
Thirst for sobriety must come from within.
Perhaps you leaving him, was a bottom for him, but only time will tell.
I know that until I accepted that I can NEVER drink again, as I am an alcoholic, nothing worked and God knows I've made MANY false promises which included a few AA meetings....
Good luck !
Perhaps you leaving him, was a bottom for him, but only time will tell.
I know that until I accepted that I can NEVER drink again, as I am an alcoholic, nothing worked and God knows I've made MANY false promises which included a few AA meetings....
Good luck !
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Welcome Dontreallycare. You are definately in the right place. Read around and you'll find a friends and family area on this site, I'm sure you will find many in your shoes. Myself I was in your husbands shoes. It's good you're in Al Anon.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
One thing I have given up on is who stays sober and who does not so it is anyones guess. He has to want to get sober for him not because he will lose you. But if he is going to stay sober I would have him go to 90 meetings in 90 days and get a slip signed. Staying sober is a lifetime commitment and so is AA.
I have been sober for 3 years and my wife still is not 100% sure that I can be trusted. Unfortunately she is right, she has known me as someone who can not be trusted far longer than I have been sober. You can also get a breathalizer and have him agree to testing.
If you are interested in other suggestions please PM me
I have been sober for 3 years and my wife still is not 100% sure that I can be trusted. Unfortunately she is right, she has known me as someone who can not be trusted far longer than I have been sober. You can also get a breathalizer and have him agree to testing.
If you are interested in other suggestions please PM me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 106
Surpisingly enough, he actually suggested that himself. I think he realizes how little faith I have. Like I keep telling him, I love him, but that doesn't mean I can live with him. I just don't think her really heard me until now.
But I am reserving judgement and refuse to make any decisions while I'm emotional. It's kind of ironic considering I'm a hot-headed Italian!
But I am reserving judgement and refuse to make any decisions while I'm emotional. It's kind of ironic considering I'm a hot-headed Italian!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome don'treallycare 
I haven't got a crystal ball either, & I think you're right to be cautious as there's a lot of history and it's early days....but I really hope that this is the start of better days for you both
Please do check out our Family and Friends forums as well - you'll find a lot of experience down there too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
I haven't got a crystal ball either, & I think you're right to be cautious as there's a lot of history and it's early days....but I really hope that this is the start of better days for you both
Please do check out our Family and Friends forums as well - you'll find a lot of experience down there too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Glad to have you here with us, don'treallycare. Being part of this community will help lessen some of your anxiety. You'll learn a lot and be supported by people who really understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 106
I lived in that forum for the week before I confronted him! It help convince me that I was doing the right thing, if not just for me, but also for him. He would never hit bottom as long as there were no consequences. And everytime stuff happened that I didn't do something about, that was just continuing to enable.
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