i want to lose my cool in the worst way right now
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i want to lose my cool in the worst way right now
I can't really say why. My husband is pissing me right off. My mother-in-law is visiting and while it is nice, i'm feeling the stress of being a good hostess. All my husband has to do is follow along and chat with his mom. I've come up with all of the ideas for her visit. Imve organized everything. I've made it all go. Me. On my own. I arranged her flight. I booked her hotel. I helped her decide on the date. Now that she's here, he's making me feel like he doesn't have a shred of gratitude for what i've done. I don't think the imbecile even realizes the half of it. I've worked my ass off for this and i can barely enjoy it! And he's treated me like crap. Well, he's not treating me like crap but he sure as hell is belittling me whether he knows it or not. Best part? I can't say diddly to him until late tonight because his mom is always with us! And i'm terrified that all this discourse is bleeding over and ruining the trip for her! I'm horrible at holding my temper and i've snapped a little a couple of times. His mom is a very nice person. Like very nice. Like beloved retired teacher from a Christian elementary school, loved by everyone, sweet as sugar nicest person you ever met nice. So no pressure to hold my temper, right? I don't know if i want to scream, cry or laugh hysterically at the situation. All i know is that sitting here and pretending that everything is fine is killing me. Thanks for letting me rant. I really needed this.
The one good thing is that i'm still not tempted to drink. Man, i've gotta have my wits about me and my self control. The old me would have never handled this quietly. The old me would have drunk and flown off the handle and made a real mess of things. So at least i've got that. I don't even want "one drink" to "relax." I gotta get myself to a natural place of calm and work this out for myself. I know now that by being sober and figuring these things out, i learn more about myself and how to handle life and the situations it throws at me. Take care everyone and remember that you can handle anything with sobriety.
The one good thing is that i'm still not tempted to drink. Man, i've gotta have my wits about me and my self control. The old me would have never handled this quietly. The old me would have drunk and flown off the handle and made a real mess of things. So at least i've got that. I don't even want "one drink" to "relax." I gotta get myself to a natural place of calm and work this out for myself. I know now that by being sober and figuring these things out, i learn more about myself and how to handle life and the situations it throws at me. Take care everyone and remember that you can handle anything with sobriety.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS 
His mom is a very nice person. Like very nice. Like beloved retired teacher from a Christian elementary school, loved by everyone, sweet as sugar nicest person you ever met nice. So no pressure to hold my temper, right?
Wow. She sounds perfect.
I bet she's never been angry before.
I'm proud of you for posting here and venting. When I feel this angry at my husband. I pray before I try talking to him. "Please, don't let me freak out and bite his head off. Please let me be angry in a nice way."
Breathe. You'll be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I feel like that all the time with my other half.
I organise everything.
He would forget his willy if it was loose!!
He has no idea of how time consumming and stressful it can be, such as having people over, organising a birthday party for my little one, having his family come over etc, etc.
It's actually left me in tears numerous times, because even when I have done all the preparation he spoils it all by sitting there texting, or just talking to one person, so the event itself is not enjoyable.
At my daughters birthday he was asked to do one thing - organise the music and he did not do it. He let me down. I cried out of sheer madness at him.
Now though, if his family or his friends come over, I leave it all to him.
The conversation, the arrangments, all of it.
If there are awkward silences, tough thats his problem to sort.
If his friends need food cooking, then he nows where the kitchen is.
It's hard because I think I am a good hostess, but I have been left upset too many times now.
If possible I go out and leave him to it.
If he belittles me in front of people I actually ask him 'why did you just say that?' straight away in front of the same people.
I find it makes him look very silly. I also let him know I am hurt by his belittling.
I don't do it to him, so why should he do it to me.
I think it is often a sign of immaturity, or not being able to adapt to social situations and the only way they can cope is to 'perform' or show off.
But it is very irritating and very hurtful. You have my sympathy. And maybe practice the look? I find the stare or glare works well or even just a head down to show your annoyed at the time he does it, so no bottling it up for later.
Oh and well done for being a sweetheart to your mother in law - you are a better woman than me!
xxxx
I organise everything.
He would forget his willy if it was loose!!
He has no idea of how time consumming and stressful it can be, such as having people over, organising a birthday party for my little one, having his family come over etc, etc.
It's actually left me in tears numerous times, because even when I have done all the preparation he spoils it all by sitting there texting, or just talking to one person, so the event itself is not enjoyable.
At my daughters birthday he was asked to do one thing - organise the music and he did not do it. He let me down. I cried out of sheer madness at him.
Now though, if his family or his friends come over, I leave it all to him.
The conversation, the arrangments, all of it.
If there are awkward silences, tough thats his problem to sort.
If his friends need food cooking, then he nows where the kitchen is.
It's hard because I think I am a good hostess, but I have been left upset too many times now.
If possible I go out and leave him to it.
If he belittles me in front of people I actually ask him 'why did you just say that?' straight away in front of the same people.
I find it makes him look very silly. I also let him know I am hurt by his belittling.
I don't do it to him, so why should he do it to me.
I think it is often a sign of immaturity, or not being able to adapt to social situations and the only way they can cope is to 'perform' or show off.
But it is very irritating and very hurtful. You have my sympathy. And maybe practice the look? I find the stare or glare works well or even just a head down to show your annoyed at the time he does it, so no bottling it up for later.
Oh and well done for being a sweetheart to your mother in law - you are a better woman than me!
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
You sound like the perfect hostess DG! Maybe revel in your victory rather than focusing on what your husband hasn't done, like say thank you. It sounds like you have made a lot of progress... I can empathise cos I'm not one for biting my tongue, and you're not tempted to drink, yay for you! Sounds like you're doing great x
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Dis, maybe it's something else that is really bothering you. Let it go for now and enjoy this woman's company. You deserve to enjoy life right now. You'll figure it all out later.
I like to self-sabotage myself, too. Relax, enjoy, let go of that anger. It's only hurting you right now.
With big love and hugs,
I like to self-sabotage myself, too. Relax, enjoy, let go of that anger. It's only hurting you right now.
With big love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,635
I completely identify with you on the plans and preparations for having your MIL come visit. Mine stays with us and she gets on my husband's nerves so he kind of disengages and I am the entertainer or whatever. I get no thank yous either.
I commend you on not going off on him. I haven't done it either because I know that is how the drunk me would act.
I commend you on not going off on him. I haven't done it either because I know that is how the drunk me would act.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Speaking of men...
Yeah, sorry, we can be stupid sometimes about the most obvious. I'd say its not our personal fault, more likely from our nature by gender to generalize and take things for granted way to much, but that message is likely to not fly well here tonight, lol, and rightly so.
Seriously, I hope you can temper your anger DG, for your own sake if nothing else. As a husband myself, I'm doing my best with my wife Melissa when I'm more sensitive to her and us then I would be by my usual default values. I hope your husband can eventually have some words of comfort for you.
Lesson learned for me the hard way, just me being me is not always enough, and it is what it is when I need to do more, and not only is she more content, but so am I when I pay proper attention to details.
Hope you can take it easy, DG.
Yeah, sorry, we can be stupid sometimes about the most obvious. I'd say its not our personal fault, more likely from our nature by gender to generalize and take things for granted way to much, but that message is likely to not fly well here tonight, lol, and rightly so.
Seriously, I hope you can temper your anger DG, for your own sake if nothing else. As a husband myself, I'm doing my best with my wife Melissa when I'm more sensitive to her and us then I would be by my usual default values. I hope your husband can eventually have some words of comfort for you.
Lesson learned for me the hard way, just me being me is not always enough, and it is what it is when I need to do more, and not only is she more content, but so am I when I pay proper attention to details.
Hope you can take it easy, DG.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Thank goodness we had a movie scheduled today! We went to see Argo (good flick, btw). My husband apologized to me before we went in. MIL was in the lady's room so we had a chance. I was able to explain to him why i was upset and i think he really understood the situation, thank goodness. I know a lot of my stress is due to having this third party with us. God bless her heart but my sainted MIL can politely drive me a little nuts after a while. So much talking! Every little thing gets an "oh my!" "Oh dear!" "Goodness!" It gets to me a bit.
Sh*t...just had another situation happen just now. Thank goodness i threw it in my husband's lap and let him deal with it. I just need this night to be over.
Sh*t...just had another situation happen just now. Thank goodness i threw it in my husband's lap and let him deal with it. I just need this night to be over.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
You know, i realized something. I set myself up big time with all this. I decided that my MIL's visit was going to be perfect and i was going to be the perfect hostess. A lovely tourguide for my fair city. Nothing would go wrong. How could i have been so blind? I should have instead have been concentrating on enjoying the real reason for the visit. The companionship! The company! It's not about seeing all the sights and how many shops we can hit! It's about spending time together. Oh my....not only did i set myself an impossible task, i set the myself the wrong one as well. Goodness. Well, tomorrow i'll shift my efforts from hostess to companion and see what that does for my frame of mind. I still have so much to learn!
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