773niki

Well, I did it again. I've now lost everything in my life due to my obsession with drinking and an eating disorder that flares up when my drinking ceases and vice versa. I went to an inpatient dual diagnosis facility on October 1 an stayed in there for 2 weeks and now I'm in a partial program. But, I still drank and lied about it on Saturday. Boyfriend of 3 years wants me out. My family is disgusted. I feel like the worst person in the world.

It's like, I want to make this work - I just think I don't have to put in the work to make it work. I've tried quick fixes like Antabuse and Campral - all to no avail. I've tried AA but always found it a pain in the ass to go to everyday. But that's the only thing I haven't done. 90 in 90? Gosh, I'm not going into it with a smile. I get all anxious and ridiculous about setting foot in these meetings, but I have to. I cannot believe I lost it all because I wanted a "goodbye" drunk that was the worst "drunk" I've ever gotten. Just terrible thoughts, disappointment and shame the entire stupid time. I missed an event I was supposed to go to and that's it.

I feel like my life is over and I know I have to think optimistically but right now, it's hard. I just want to shake myself till I wake up.

Has anyone done 90 in 90 with success? The longest I stayed sober was 121 days...and that was with meetings a few times a week. Does anyone have any advice about getting a sponsor? I've asked once and was "rejected" and never felt ok asking again. How do I do it because I feel like I should've done this yesterday.

Quinne

90 in 90 was never suggested to me; I was undertaking my student placement 3 days a week in regional victoria when I started with my first sponsor; it was a geographical nightmare, particularly as there are so few meetings out that way and public transport is so infrequent. I did call her everyday as she asked, though.

I don't know why this person declined becoming your sponsor, but please bear in mind that it could've been as simple as her not having enough time in order to work with you to the best of her ability & had nothing to do with you or your involvement in the program.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, please keep posting here & hang in there!

Xx

MrsKing

Do you really want to be sober, Niki? Really want to be?

Being sober is simple - you just have to stop drinking. It's not easy to do that, but that is simply all you have to do. It's really not that scary when you think about it like that. There's no magic equation to it or a secret ingredient we have all added to make it work. We have made a commitment to not put alcohol in our bodies and stuck to it... and that's all it takes. Whether you choose to use AA, AVRT, SMART, or any other method... the most important thing in any of it is that you put in some work. You have to be prepared to do everything in your power to not drink.

I understand the alcoholism then eating disorder thing... I'm in the same boat, but I know that it is my obsession with control and I'm trying very hard to let that go. It's difficult, but life is so much easier when we don't let our obsessions rule our lives. Have you considered seeing an addictions counsellor? I think you would really benefit from it.

Wishing you all the best x

MIRecovery

The biggest hurdle is you have to want to quit drinking. Not quit for a while, not drink responsibly, we are talking about total abstinence. It is not easy but it is possible if you work for it.

I doubt I ever did 90 in 90 but I likely made 335 out of 365 the first year. 3 years latter I still go 5 days a week and it works for me by staying sober one day at a time.

Before I would worry about a sponsor I would worry about making it to a meeting everyday and not drinking inbetween.

Thepatman

MrsKing is pretty bang on I personally find. You have to really want to stop, like your life depends on it (for most of us it actually does). When you admit to yourself that drinking is no longer an option then everything else kind of follows. I'm not saying it's easy, just that it's possible. I have 28 days done without drinking and 2 weeks smoke free, both I did cold turkey. Easy? Nope. Possible with people's help? Yes! But I want this with all my soul, more then anything. You need to find that within you, no magic or nobody can do it for you.

Hope you find your way to freedom ;-)

773niki

Thank you all.
I do want to stop - but I've been thinking about it in short term fixes or in the whole, "I want to want to stop" mantra. I DO WANT TO STOP DRINKING FOREVER. I do not want to pick it up again. It is poison to me. Hittin up my first meeting this go around tonight and I'm going to commit to finding a sponsor in a timely manner and working it until it works.

I am so tired of being sick to death.
Thanks all for your kind words.

Thepatman

Sometimes to get a good shower one needs to get wet ;-) you can do this, I have 0 doubt about it! Have a super meeting

Natom

Hey Niki,

I know a few people who have done 90 in 90 in NA. I only do 2 meetings a week. I physically can't do any more because there isn't that many near me. It's ok if you haven't got a job or school but not many people can actually do 90 in 90.

Once you make the commitment of going to meetings, share regularly about wanting a sponsor. You will most likely find that your sponsor will find you.