Honestly, I was so used to being a screw up getting in trouble, hurting people and all that didn't phase me. Just came with the drinking.

Oddly enough what got me was when I was forced to change to timeline on facebook and I had to have a cover photo.. I was so lost in drinking I had no interests.. I didn't paticularly like really anything.. nothing really made me feel like ME. I changed it to plain black. I was nothing. I had nothing. And I needed to change.

Now I love lotsa stuff :)

I needed to change, I had been drinking on a Monday, arguing with a friend for no particular reason and woke up the next morning, knowing I didn't wanna live this way, I decided to stop for good.

My liver was going bad. Started with pain and throbbing every time I had a drink. Made drinking so unenjoyable that I quit, but not before I had a couple panic attacks about dying from my problem.

Having to drink shots in my first cuppa caffeine to stop the shaking of my hands and hope it stays down long enough to calm my stomach not come back up. Did that, unable to quit for the last two years of drinking more than 30 units of alcohol a day. I hated it. Found a way out and took it before I killed myself. Not the devil, not ascribing cunningness to a chemical with no neurons, or any second or third party. It was me the whole time. Knew I was an alcoholic several years before. But having the physical shakes and nausea every morning made it clear I could choose alcohol and accelerating suicide by my own hand, or choose life and somehow break free of my self imprisonment by my own self indulgence. Never going back.

I was at the race track on my birthday on a beautiful day at a test and tune session. I could have run all day but I decided to knock off and start drinking way early because I was really hungover.