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-   -   I Just Said No To My 'Hungry and Tired' Son. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/272620-i-just-said-no-my-hungry-tired-son.html)

JanJan 10-28-2012 08:51 PM

I Just Said No To My 'Hungry and Tired' Son.
 
I just hung up the phone with my 22 year old son who has been battling with an oxy / whatever else he can get his hands on addiction for three years. He has failed to complete two stints in rehab and has chosen to repeatedly lie to and steal from his family and friends. He has lived with us (dad, me and two younger brothers) off and on. He was recently asked to leave and I have vowed to stick with the decision. Super hard!!!! He has been 'not here' for over a month and our household has calmed down immensely. I worry so much but it helps to just pour my time and energy into our two younger boys. They deserve that! He just called to ask if he could come over and get some food. He said he is 'tired and hungry'. I put on the 'poker face/voice and said no. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and it feels like a sledgehammer just hit me. I know that I can no longer make his addiction more comfortable for him even if...he is hungry and tired. I have been helping him slowly die with my previous attempts at falling for his tangled webs of deceit and grand stories of why he needs money, etc. My anger and hurtful words to him have not helped either. I am amazed at how brazen yet vulnerable he is with me, his mom, all at the same time I just fear that he will ultimately decide that he has been tired and hungry enough that he gives up on life and ends it himself. I can barely breathe just writing the words. Thanks for listening.

Happier 10-28-2012 09:09 PM

Sorry you are having to go through that. I do not have children so i will not pretend to have advice. Just wanted you to know that I feel for you and wish you a peaceful night.

You are not alone. Read and post in any forum but you may want. Just want to make sure you know that there is one for "friends and family" of addicts that you may want to check out. Lots of folks there that can relate.

Impurrfect 10-28-2012 09:10 PM

((JanJan)) - Welcome to SR though sorry for what has brought you here. I know how hard it is to do what you just did, but I totally agree that it's the right thing. I'm both an RA (recovering addict) and recovering codie (codependent) with loved ones who are A's (addicts/alcoholics).

I will forever be grateful that my loved ones let me hit bottom and figure a way to get back up. It's not easy when I've had to do the same thing, but it's better than loving them to death.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FreeFall 10-28-2012 09:40 PM

JanJan, as hard as it must be, I think you're doing the right thing. Enabling him only prolongs the issues. It is scary to think of what he might do but you have to just stay strong and let him know you love him. You can help him get to rehab, or help him get counseling, but giving him money just feeds into the old patterns. I know a woman who has enabled her son his entire life. He is now in his late forties and is very sick due his addictions. It's spiraled so far out of control that it can't be reversed. He is probably not going to live and it's heartbreaking to watch their family try to deal with this. I wish a different scenario for you.

MythOfSisyphus 10-29-2012 01:41 AM

I know it must break your heart but you're doing the right thing. At some point he's going to have to help himself.

Dee74 10-29-2012 02:07 AM

I'm sorry JanJan. I truly can't think of many more things more heartbreaking that that.

Impurrfect is right tho - sometimes we need to hit a bottom and to work our own way out...and our loved ones need to protect themselves too from the everspreading black hole of chaos that is some many active addict's lives, as mine was.

I know you'll find support, understanding and encouragement here.

I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forum too:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Natom 10-29-2012 02:35 AM

Hello Janjan,

Welcome to the forums. Whilst I can't offer you any advice based on how to deal with your son I can offer you advice that may echo your sons perspective. I've just turned 23, about 6 months my parents both finally decided to stop supporting me and gave me one weeks notice to leave the house. At this time I was losing my job and going bankrupt as well.

So I left, and it made me want to go to rehab, so I did. Now obviously I don't know what level your son is at in his addiction or what he is thinking about anything. I know that my parents 'letting go of me' gave me that final oomph I needed to reach my rock bottom. I bet somewhere in his mind is a willingness to sort himself out. The only thing you can do is not help him and let it happen when he is ready to sort it out himself. Obviously if you have any concerns about his mental wellbeing you should contact the relevant authorities.

Natom.


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