What do my children think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 15
What do my children think?
I am fortunate to be able to say that I grew up in a home where neither my mother nor my father drank.
I don't know what it feels like to watch someone I love destroy their life by drinking.
At school the other day, one of my students had to come to my office for suspected possession of a controlled substance on campus, and I had to question him. I asked if he had access to drugs at home. He broke down. He said no, but that his mother drinks every night. He said she thinks it's ok because she can keep a job and it never causes her to miss work. I felt like he was talking about me. It was awful. I think God put him there to make me feel like crap. That was the start of a day and night full of Ah-Ha moments that led me here.
My girls are 7 and 4. Do you think I've already set a bad example for them? I don't want them to be embarrassed of me or feel that I have chosen to spend my time with alcohol instead of them... I don't want them to be in middle school crying their eyes out to their principal about how screwed up I made their lives...
They don't say anything to me that is out of line of course, but I was so hurt when my little one didn't understand why I wasn't buying beer at the grocery store the other day.
The other night when I outside on the porch drinking, I looked in the window and saw them sitting in the floor playing together. They don't even try to get me to come inside - they know when I'm out there it is going to be for the night.
I feel so ashamed to admit these things, but I joined this group Saturday morning because I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better person, and I need help. I am determined to come completely out of my comfort zone and talk and tell how I'm feeling - good, bad, and ugly.
Other than my immediate family and you all - no one knows I have a problem. Most people don't even have a clue that I drink. I am very careful and private... please help me get my priorities straight...
I don't know what it feels like to watch someone I love destroy their life by drinking.
At school the other day, one of my students had to come to my office for suspected possession of a controlled substance on campus, and I had to question him. I asked if he had access to drugs at home. He broke down. He said no, but that his mother drinks every night. He said she thinks it's ok because she can keep a job and it never causes her to miss work. I felt like he was talking about me. It was awful. I think God put him there to make me feel like crap. That was the start of a day and night full of Ah-Ha moments that led me here.
My girls are 7 and 4. Do you think I've already set a bad example for them? I don't want them to be embarrassed of me or feel that I have chosen to spend my time with alcohol instead of them... I don't want them to be in middle school crying their eyes out to their principal about how screwed up I made their lives...
They don't say anything to me that is out of line of course, but I was so hurt when my little one didn't understand why I wasn't buying beer at the grocery store the other day.
The other night when I outside on the porch drinking, I looked in the window and saw them sitting in the floor playing together. They don't even try to get me to come inside - they know when I'm out there it is going to be for the night.
I feel so ashamed to admit these things, but I joined this group Saturday morning because I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better person, and I need help. I am determined to come completely out of my comfort zone and talk and tell how I'm feeling - good, bad, and ugly.
Other than my immediate family and you all - no one knows I have a problem. Most people don't even have a clue that I drink. I am very careful and private... please help me get my priorities straight...
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
At the moment R2S you just have to focus on sorting out your problem. You know you have one. Now do something about it. I can't tell you what your kids think. But I can tell you that the only way you can make amends to them is by getting yourself sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 15
I just had another thought...
The way I've been able to justify drinking in front of them for all this time is by telling myself that it doesn't matter because my parents didn't drink and look what happened to me. I have tried to convince myself that ultimately they will do what they want to do one day anyway...
How silly - I have to set a good example so at least they will have a choice by knowing what sober parenting is...
The way I've been able to justify drinking in front of them for all this time is by telling myself that it doesn't matter because my parents didn't drink and look what happened to me. I have tried to convince myself that ultimately they will do what they want to do one day anyway...
How silly - I have to set a good example so at least they will have a choice by knowing what sober parenting is...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Ready2Stop
Kids may not know the details but I think they are pretty going at knowing when things are wrong, or at least not right.
I'm not a parent but I remember I was quite young when I realised that some members of my extended family had alcohol issues.
I think Natom is right tho - right now it's best to focus on sorting out your problem.
Regardless of what your kids do or don't know, I guarantee they will see the positive changes in you as you enter recovery - and they'll be as glad for them as you will be
D
Kids may not know the details but I think they are pretty going at knowing when things are wrong, or at least not right.
I'm not a parent but I remember I was quite young when I realised that some members of my extended family had alcohol issues.
I think Natom is right tho - right now it's best to focus on sorting out your problem.
Regardless of what your kids do or don't know, I guarantee they will see the positive changes in you as you enter recovery - and they'll be as glad for them as you will be
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 15
Natom - you are absolutely right. It still amazes me that they were important enough to me that I did not drink a drop during my pregnancies, but I am not important enough to me to stay sober and healthy now that they are here. That has to change! Thanks for the feedback.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
my heart hurts for you , and for your little girls.
I had alcoholic parents, and it has affected me to this day, and I am 60 years old.
you only get one life, your little girls only have one childhood, one mother. Please, do not rob yourself or them of these precious things.
I am glad you are here, and I hope you stay, as you will find support and understanding here.
It is very lonely to be a child whos parent is an alcoholic. you cannot share it with your friends, you don't want to bring friends home, and you live with sadness each day, and fear for the parents life. You become a little caretaker, and forfeit your own needs, in hopes of making the parent "happy enough" to quit drinking. You lose self respect, and have low self esteem. You often do without things you need, because the parent may be too wrapped up in their own problems to see .
I often wonder what it would have been like to have a 'normal' family, without the demon of alcohol in control of our home, and of our entire lives.
you become hyper-vigilant, watching every move, hearing every voice inflection , in order to tell if tonight will be a drinking night, if the parent is going to be absent again, or in a drunken rage. you learn to disappear, sometimes, or you might become the black sheep, and try to distract everyone from the misery of the home life. or perhaps worry yourself sick trying to be the savior of the family, the overachiever, in order to make the family look 'ok', or to feel as good as others.
Please, do this for yourself and for your little girls. As bad as you might think it is for them, believe me, it is much worse-there is no loneliness like a child whose parent is lost in alcohol.
wishing you and your precious girls every good thing, a good life.
chicory
I had alcoholic parents, and it has affected me to this day, and I am 60 years old.
you only get one life, your little girls only have one childhood, one mother. Please, do not rob yourself or them of these precious things.
I am glad you are here, and I hope you stay, as you will find support and understanding here.
It is very lonely to be a child whos parent is an alcoholic. you cannot share it with your friends, you don't want to bring friends home, and you live with sadness each day, and fear for the parents life. You become a little caretaker, and forfeit your own needs, in hopes of making the parent "happy enough" to quit drinking. You lose self respect, and have low self esteem. You often do without things you need, because the parent may be too wrapped up in their own problems to see .
I often wonder what it would have been like to have a 'normal' family, without the demon of alcohol in control of our home, and of our entire lives.
you become hyper-vigilant, watching every move, hearing every voice inflection , in order to tell if tonight will be a drinking night, if the parent is going to be absent again, or in a drunken rage. you learn to disappear, sometimes, or you might become the black sheep, and try to distract everyone from the misery of the home life. or perhaps worry yourself sick trying to be the savior of the family, the overachiever, in order to make the family look 'ok', or to feel as good as others.
Please, do this for yourself and for your little girls. As bad as you might think it is for them, believe me, it is much worse-there is no loneliness like a child whose parent is lost in alcohol.
wishing you and your precious girls every good thing, a good life.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Your story sounds very much like mine, and the reason I stopped drinking 17 days ago. I am a mother of three and I believe we have the same job.
Work can definitely be stressful, and I always felt that by the end of the day I needed s glass of wine to relax. That glass turned into a bottle, and then a larger bottle. I was up late on a Thursday night stressed about work and life in general and I kept pouring another glass of wine. Around midnight I decided I was calling in sick the next day and going to call my insurance about this. I made an appointment with a therapist and saw a doctor, I cried because I knew that the drinking had gotten so out of hand, and this was not what I wanted for my kids (5,7 and 9).
I decided to tell them a few days later that Mommy decided to stop drinking wine because she wants to be healthier. My oldest said "isn't that going to be hard you drink wine every night." I said "you know what it might be, so if I am grumpy with any of you I need you to tell me." She then told me that her teacher was trying to use a quieter voice, so she had the class come up with a signal for when her voice gets too loud. I asked the kids to come up with a signal for them to use if I am grumpy. My little guy said how about this, and made a frown face. I told them that was perfect.
I also told them that it is okay if they see so done having a glass of wine or a beer if they are grown ups. I compared having too many cookies with having too much wine.
It was difficult to admit that I had a problem, and I am still adjusting to not having wine at night, but I want to be present when I am with my kids.
You will find a ton of advice and support on this site. Good luck, and feel free to message me.
Work can definitely be stressful, and I always felt that by the end of the day I needed s glass of wine to relax. That glass turned into a bottle, and then a larger bottle. I was up late on a Thursday night stressed about work and life in general and I kept pouring another glass of wine. Around midnight I decided I was calling in sick the next day and going to call my insurance about this. I made an appointment with a therapist and saw a doctor, I cried because I knew that the drinking had gotten so out of hand, and this was not what I wanted for my kids (5,7 and 9).
I decided to tell them a few days later that Mommy decided to stop drinking wine because she wants to be healthier. My oldest said "isn't that going to be hard you drink wine every night." I said "you know what it might be, so if I am grumpy with any of you I need you to tell me." She then told me that her teacher was trying to use a quieter voice, so she had the class come up with a signal for when her voice gets too loud. I asked the kids to come up with a signal for them to use if I am grumpy. My little guy said how about this, and made a frown face. I told them that was perfect.
I also told them that it is okay if they see so done having a glass of wine or a beer if they are grown ups. I compared having too many cookies with having too much wine.
It was difficult to admit that I had a problem, and I am still adjusting to not having wine at night, but I want to be present when I am with my kids.
You will find a ton of advice and support on this site. Good luck, and feel free to message me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 15
Dee - I think when the 4 year old was confused about me not buying beer, that was my sign that she knows something isn't right. Thanks.
Chicory - you brought me to tears. Fear for what will happen to them if I am not strong enough to do this and shame for what I've already done are enveloping me tonight. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that your childhood was plagued by this ugly disease. My girls are precious. And beautiful and funny and smart and everything I always dreamed my children would be. This is my chance - my gift - I have to do this. I have to.
Chicory - you brought me to tears. Fear for what will happen to them if I am not strong enough to do this and shame for what I've already done are enveloping me tonight. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that your childhood was plagued by this ugly disease. My girls are precious. And beautiful and funny and smart and everything I always dreamed my children would be. This is my chance - my gift - I have to do this. I have to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Originally Posted by Ready2Stop 
Natom - you are absolutely right. It still amazes me that they were important enough to me that I did not drink a drop during my pregnancies, but I am not important enough to me to stay sober and healthy now that they are here. That has to change! Thanks for the feedback.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Somewhere in the sands of time
Posts: 1,462
Welcome to SR!! I am in the same boat as you...a functional drinker, or something of the sort! I knew that when my little one new what brand of wine I preferred, it probably isn't a good sign!! Keep coming back here, lots of support! Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 15
Delilah- I went to my doctor too. I asked if I should go into rehab or something. I don't drink every night, but when I drink it is a binge (usually 10-12). This used to be once every other week, but it has now escalated to three or four nights a week. The other three nights I'm still hungover and don't want to drink or do anything for that matter.
He said I have an alcohol abuse problem, but I am not an alcoholic????? He said I have to identify and avoid my triggers, not go to rehab.
What did your doctor say, if you don't mind my asking. I don't want to go to rehab, but there has to be something medically to help me.
He said I have an alcohol abuse problem, but I am not an alcoholic????? He said I have to identify and avoid my triggers, not go to rehab.
What did your doctor say, if you don't mind my asking. I don't want to go to rehab, but there has to be something medically to help me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Ready2stop and Delilah)))
you mothers are in my prayers. You are worth so much-your life is worth fighting for.And you are the most important person in your childrens lives.
I am so glad you are both here, and that you are doing this. You sound like strong loving women.. my prayers are with you.
chicory
you mothers are in my prayers. You are worth so much-your life is worth fighting for.And you are the most important person in your childrens lives.
I am so glad you are both here, and that you are doing this. You sound like strong loving women.. my prayers are with you.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Originally Posted by Ready2Stop
Delilah- I went to my doctor too. I asked if I should go into rehab or something. I don't drink every night, but when I drink it is a binge (usually 10-12). This used to be once every other week, but it has now escalated to three or four nights a week. The other three nights I'm still hungover and don't want to drink or do anything for that matter.
He said I have an alcohol abuse problem, but I am not an alcoholic????? He said I have to identify and avoid my triggers, not go to rehab.
What did your doctor say, if you don't mind my asking. I don't want to go to rehab, but there has to be something medically to help me.
He said I have an alcohol abuse problem, but I am not an alcoholic????? He said I have to identify and avoid my triggers, not go to rehab.
What did your doctor say, if you don't mind my asking. I don't want to go to rehab, but there has to be something medically to help me.
I was managing to still hold it together at work, be responsible for bills, and kid activities but I know there were times with work and with my kids that I was not fully present or short due to lack of sleep which was due to drinking the night before.
I am seeing a therapist every other week, it is nice to have someone objective to talk to.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
ReadyToStop I think your kids are old enough to recognize your patterns and maybe realize something is off-they can pick up on your signals that you aren't available when you're drinking. However, they're young enough that you can turn it around completely and be a sober present parent for them from now on. What better reason to quit than the lives of two children? It's great you're here and taking steps to change your lifestyle to benefit all of you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ft Worth
Posts: 41
Your children are still young and as stated in an early post..you can probably turn the situation around at this point..with minimal damage. My children are 23 and 16. They have suffered immense damaged as do most children of alcoholic parents. I too..was not raised around parents who drank..so I cant even begin to know the true horror and embarrassment they have endured. I have been in and out of sobriety for 20+ years and each time I have gone back to drinking...more trust was lost and a piece of their spirit died. Best of luck to you and congrats on day 17.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Middle of no where, oklahoma
Posts: 2,696
I have 5 children ranging in age from 25 to 7. I have 4 granbabies as well.
Almost 10 months in and so much has changed. Life is beautiful and my kids are proud of me. The youngest was 6 when I quit. I didn't even know how to play with her. She could not use silverware. So many things.
They give me strength. I did have to get to a point where I had to choose to stay sober 1 day at a time for me.
I have to take care of my childrens mother
Take care of yourself and don't forget you are a gift
Almost 10 months in and so much has changed. Life is beautiful and my kids are proud of me. The youngest was 6 when I quit. I didn't even know how to play with her. She could not use silverware. So many things.
They give me strength. I did have to get to a point where I had to choose to stay sober 1 day at a time for me.
I have to take care of my childrens mother
Take care of yourself and don't forget you are a gift
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
