Here I go again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 9
Here I go again!
Just want to say hello to the forum/members. I just registered last night and was in the chat room a bit. I met some nice people. Real quick synopsis of my story as it's basically the same story for all of us, imho. I am 42 yrs old. I took my first drink of alcohol at 15. I shouldn't say drink. I chugged almost the whole bottle of my mom's cheap jug wine. I was hanging with a girl I liked at the time. So, we spent a lovely evening consisting of my passing out. Vomiting and then to a comatose state again, repeat ad naseum. So, I have been a full-fledged alcoholic since my teen yrs. I have also dabbled in almost any substance that could offer me an altered state of mind for any length of time. I can look back and think of some of the darker memories I might have been trying to drown through the plastic bottles. But it was never a conscious descion. And the black times in my chilhood yrs., pale in comprison to what many, many others have lived through. Stimulants, opiates, hallucinogens, mdma, and benzos., I would grab whatever was available but my main stay was always the alcohol.
If you read the heading of this thread. It's the tone of a lost and cynical person. i have lost count of how many hope chips that accumulated since my first AA meeting and frankly, I am blessed to be alive. None of those coins ever melted in my mouth, so I can't blame the fellowship. Right now, heading through day one of flushing out the veins. I don't have a great outlook on things. I know days 3-4 are usually the worst for me as far as the intial detox but that is like climbing over the first few rocks on the trail heading up to Hanging Lake. I am determined to stop abusing alcohol/drugs this time. I really do want to live out the rest of my life, not only sober in the physical sense but also not bad mouthing everyone who can hear me, as a dry drunk. What would be the purpose of that? I have had glimpses of what can be possible. For what it can look like on the spiritual side of life. The letting go of the monster ego. Learning to care about others and the selfless humility gained from praying for others while feeling the wind and gazing at the maples and oak trees. Amazed at how majestic yet quite they live. I am but a teenth in their life cycle. Yet they confer in the lighter tones of sound. Leaves singing a quiet song as the highest of the branches sway. I was sober for a yr once and though I didn't take care of myself daily, like any clear headed human that has a chronic, life threatening illness would. I did have some moments of clarity.
I did have a great man who was sponsoring me and our personalities and overall perspectives meshed. He started me down a spiritual path, that I would never had been able to comprehend. I started to understand what he meant when he said. As alcoholics and addicts we have received the chance to find more meaning in life, than many ever will. I began to see past the bubble that was my own selfish world. I would gradually see that there was a vital and pure force that I was just a tiny piece of. In fact it was in front of my eyes all along. If I would have had the wherewithal and fortitude to clear my bleary and bloodshoot eyes from the insipid darkness that had surrounded my being all those yrs. And once able to walk straight and see clearly the colors and patterns of the beauty that was right outside my front door. The pure and magnificent truth and the understanding that there was and is a greater power/ energy that makes the planets turn and sends the chipmunk scurrying up the old elm. When I was with another I felt it. For two minds at work is more powerful than just my own. I was part of the brillant mosaic that was life and the eternal energies of nature and space. I was a single thread woven into the grandest tapestry. Well I never made it very far down that path. I have always been amazed at how quickly one drink or one night of pills can make that clarity vanish instantaneously. Then I say to myself, of course it will you dumb ass. So, after another decade of nihilistic fury, that tore holes through every meaningful relationship. Just want to say hello to the forum/members. I just registered last night and was in the chat room a bit. I met some nice people. Real quick synopsis of my story as it's basically the same story for all of us, imho. I am 42 yrs old. I took my first drink of alcohol at 15. I shouldn't say drink. I chugged almost the whole bottle of my mom's cheap jug wine. I was hanging with a girl I liked at the time. So, we spent a lovely evening consisting of my passing out. Vomiting and then to a comatose state again, repeat ad naseum. So, I have been a full-fledged alcoholic since my teen yrs. I have also dabbled in almost any substance that could offer me an altered state of mind for any length of time. I can look back and think of some of the darker memories I might have been trying to drown through the plastic bottles. But it was never a conscious descion. And the black times in my chilhood yrs., pale in comprison to what many, many others have lived through. Stimulants, opiates, hallucinogens, mdma, and benzos., I would grab whatever was available but my main stay was always the alcohol.
If you read the heading of this thread. It's the tone of a lost and cynical person. i have lost count of how many hope chips that accumulated since my first AA meeting and frankly, I am blessed to be alive. None of those coins ever melted in my mouth, so I can't blame the fellowship. Right now, heading through day one of flushing out the veins. I don't have a great outlook on things. I know days 3-4 are usually the worst for me as far as the intial detox but that is like climbing over the first few rocks on the trail heading up to Hanging Lake. I am determined to stop abusing alcohol/drugs this time. I really do want to live out the rest of my life, not only sober in the physical sense but also not bad mouthing everyone who can hear me, as a dry drunk. What would be the purpose of that? I have had glimpses of what can be possible. For what it can look like on the spiritual side of life. The letting go of the monster ego. Learning to care about others and the selfless humility gained from praying for others while feeling the wind and gazing at the maples and oak trees. Amazed at how majestic yet how quite they live. I am but a teenth in their life cycle. Yet they whisper in the lighter tones of sound. Leaves singing a quiet song as the highest of the branches sway. I was sober for a yr once and though I didn't take care of myself daily, like any clear headed human that has a chronic, life threatening illness would. I did have some moments of clarity.
I did have a great man who was sponsoring me and our personalities and overall perspectives meshed. He started me down a spiritual path, that I would never had been able to comprehend. I started to understand what he meant when he said. As alcoholics and addicts we have received the chance to find more meaning in life, than many never will even think of. I began to see past the bubble that was my own selfish world. I would gradually see that there was a vital and pure force and that I was just a tiny piece of. In fact it was in front of my eyes all along. Once I was able to walk straight, see clearly, and had a good guide. Everything began to take on a much more meaningful prescence. The colors and patterns of beauty that was right outside my front door. The awe in understanding that there is a greater power/ energy that makes the planets turn and sends the chipmunk scurrying up the old elm. When I was with another I felt it. For two minds at work is more powerful than just my own. I was a single thread woven into the grandest tapestry. Well I never made it very far down that path. I have always been amazed at how quickly one drink or one night of pills can make that clarity vanish instantaneously. Then I say to myself, of course it will you dumb ass. Again, I am happy to be here and hopefully i can start to work on sobriety and start again on my spiritual growth. For me, I can't have one without the other. And I'm pretty tapped out right now.
If you read the heading of this thread. It's the tone of a lost and cynical person. i have lost count of how many hope chips that accumulated since my first AA meeting and frankly, I am blessed to be alive. None of those coins ever melted in my mouth, so I can't blame the fellowship. Right now, heading through day one of flushing out the veins. I don't have a great outlook on things. I know days 3-4 are usually the worst for me as far as the intial detox but that is like climbing over the first few rocks on the trail heading up to Hanging Lake. I am determined to stop abusing alcohol/drugs this time. I really do want to live out the rest of my life, not only sober in the physical sense but also not bad mouthing everyone who can hear me, as a dry drunk. What would be the purpose of that? I have had glimpses of what can be possible. For what it can look like on the spiritual side of life. The letting go of the monster ego. Learning to care about others and the selfless humility gained from praying for others while feeling the wind and gazing at the maples and oak trees. Amazed at how majestic yet quite they live. I am but a teenth in their life cycle. Yet they confer in the lighter tones of sound. Leaves singing a quiet song as the highest of the branches sway. I was sober for a yr once and though I didn't take care of myself daily, like any clear headed human that has a chronic, life threatening illness would. I did have some moments of clarity.
I did have a great man who was sponsoring me and our personalities and overall perspectives meshed. He started me down a spiritual path, that I would never had been able to comprehend. I started to understand what he meant when he said. As alcoholics and addicts we have received the chance to find more meaning in life, than many ever will. I began to see past the bubble that was my own selfish world. I would gradually see that there was a vital and pure force that I was just a tiny piece of. In fact it was in front of my eyes all along. If I would have had the wherewithal and fortitude to clear my bleary and bloodshoot eyes from the insipid darkness that had surrounded my being all those yrs. And once able to walk straight and see clearly the colors and patterns of the beauty that was right outside my front door. The pure and magnificent truth and the understanding that there was and is a greater power/ energy that makes the planets turn and sends the chipmunk scurrying up the old elm. When I was with another I felt it. For two minds at work is more powerful than just my own. I was part of the brillant mosaic that was life and the eternal energies of nature and space. I was a single thread woven into the grandest tapestry. Well I never made it very far down that path. I have always been amazed at how quickly one drink or one night of pills can make that clarity vanish instantaneously. Then I say to myself, of course it will you dumb ass. So, after another decade of nihilistic fury, that tore holes through every meaningful relationship. Just want to say hello to the forum/members. I just registered last night and was in the chat room a bit. I met some nice people. Real quick synopsis of my story as it's basically the same story for all of us, imho. I am 42 yrs old. I took my first drink of alcohol at 15. I shouldn't say drink. I chugged almost the whole bottle of my mom's cheap jug wine. I was hanging with a girl I liked at the time. So, we spent a lovely evening consisting of my passing out. Vomiting and then to a comatose state again, repeat ad naseum. So, I have been a full-fledged alcoholic since my teen yrs. I have also dabbled in almost any substance that could offer me an altered state of mind for any length of time. I can look back and think of some of the darker memories I might have been trying to drown through the plastic bottles. But it was never a conscious descion. And the black times in my chilhood yrs., pale in comprison to what many, many others have lived through. Stimulants, opiates, hallucinogens, mdma, and benzos., I would grab whatever was available but my main stay was always the alcohol.
If you read the heading of this thread. It's the tone of a lost and cynical person. i have lost count of how many hope chips that accumulated since my first AA meeting and frankly, I am blessed to be alive. None of those coins ever melted in my mouth, so I can't blame the fellowship. Right now, heading through day one of flushing out the veins. I don't have a great outlook on things. I know days 3-4 are usually the worst for me as far as the intial detox but that is like climbing over the first few rocks on the trail heading up to Hanging Lake. I am determined to stop abusing alcohol/drugs this time. I really do want to live out the rest of my life, not only sober in the physical sense but also not bad mouthing everyone who can hear me, as a dry drunk. What would be the purpose of that? I have had glimpses of what can be possible. For what it can look like on the spiritual side of life. The letting go of the monster ego. Learning to care about others and the selfless humility gained from praying for others while feeling the wind and gazing at the maples and oak trees. Amazed at how majestic yet how quite they live. I am but a teenth in their life cycle. Yet they whisper in the lighter tones of sound. Leaves singing a quiet song as the highest of the branches sway. I was sober for a yr once and though I didn't take care of myself daily, like any clear headed human that has a chronic, life threatening illness would. I did have some moments of clarity.
I did have a great man who was sponsoring me and our personalities and overall perspectives meshed. He started me down a spiritual path, that I would never had been able to comprehend. I started to understand what he meant when he said. As alcoholics and addicts we have received the chance to find more meaning in life, than many never will even think of. I began to see past the bubble that was my own selfish world. I would gradually see that there was a vital and pure force and that I was just a tiny piece of. In fact it was in front of my eyes all along. Once I was able to walk straight, see clearly, and had a good guide. Everything began to take on a much more meaningful prescence. The colors and patterns of beauty that was right outside my front door. The awe in understanding that there is a greater power/ energy that makes the planets turn and sends the chipmunk scurrying up the old elm. When I was with another I felt it. For two minds at work is more powerful than just my own. I was a single thread woven into the grandest tapestry. Well I never made it very far down that path. I have always been amazed at how quickly one drink or one night of pills can make that clarity vanish instantaneously. Then I say to myself, of course it will you dumb ass. Again, I am happy to be here and hopefully i can start to work on sobriety and start again on my spiritual growth. For me, I can't have one without the other. And I'm pretty tapped out right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
You have a great spiritual side and knowledge. When things get hard, read this post. It's really inspiring I find.
The oak tree part I liked alot. It does not need to think about remaining sober, it is one with the universe, it is timeless. We can be exactly like an oak tree, tall and proud ;-)
The oak tree part I liked alot. It does not need to think about remaining sober, it is one with the universe, it is timeless. We can be exactly like an oak tree, tall and proud ;-)
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