My doctor set me a 6 week challenge of abstinence so that I could go back for more blood tests to check my liver function. Three times I started and stopped over the last week or so, the third time I managed 2 days. 3rd day I was so miserable, having panic attacks, fighting with my partner and threatening to leave when I finally gave in to alcohol to take away the emotional pain I was feeling.
That was 3 days ago and I'm still drinking. Am I going to feel awful tomorrow? Probably, but I feel like I need the drink to get me through the day. I have chores to do and need the alcohol to fuel me to do them.
I am so scared that I am going to feel so bad again next week. I want to start my challenge again tomorrow, and I must because I'm running out of time, but when I drink I forget to take my meds and this morning realised that I have ran out of them! My OH is going to take my repeat px to the pharmacy later today.
I know I can get through next week as long as I feel OK but I'm worried that I will get to work and become anxious and panicky and not be able to cope. I guess I am anxious about being anxious! I'm fine now, but when that alarm clock goes off in the morning and it's pitch black outside and my body has alcohol in it, I am going to feel awful and annoyed at myself.
All I want is to live a normal and happy life, I want it so bad, so why can't I make it happen? The only thing stopping that dream from become a reality is me!