Caledonia1

Thought my husband would be so happy when I stopped drinking, well he is and he isn't. I'm totally confused when he's had a drink he is horrible to me and makes me feel like such a failure at times. Next morning he's up and about and a quick sorry "I didn't mean any of it" and I'm supposed to bounce back.

Before I got sober I always thought it was just his way of dealing with the stress and chaos my binges caused but now I'm totally at a loss.

Feel so mixed up and confused.

Has anyone else experienced problems with their spouses after getting sober?

MIRecovery

This is such a complicated question but I think the generic answer is, "Yes." for just about everyone. When you quit the dynamics change. You are no longer filled full of shame and guilt, you see things for the way they are, you think clearer, you have decided to take care of you, all of the junk that you have been numbing with alcohol is now obvious.

I know in my marriage it took quite a while before things returned to a new normal. It was a change for the better but not without some pain.

Thepatman

Not personally, but you might be sehing things the way they really are now... without the fog

DoubleBarrel

I have highlighted two things that really stood out.
1. He is still drinking. You need to realize what that might mean.
2. No one can MAKE you feel anything unless you let them.

Sorry for what you are going through.
A lot of the time, when we get sober, its such damn hard work, we expect to be acknowledged for it.
The sad truth is - Our word is probably not worth a **** by the time we quit, and it takes time in recovery before people believe its for real.

People who have tolerated us for a long time while we were drinkers are most likely at least partly codependent, and holding onto resentments that we probably earned through our abusive behavior.

If you really think about it, we need to just work our own program (whatever that is) and not get caught up in the behavior of others. Its difficult.

Incidentally, I am not minimizing the need for acknowledgement. Thats what meetings and support groups are for.
Normal people will NEVER understand what a mountain we have climbed out of the gutter and into a sober life. Other addicts get it, and they will give you the positive feedback you deserve.

Best wishes.

Itchy

Yep.
You can go to Alanon once you are stable in your sobriety like I did. Looks like my AW is dealing with her anger issues with our counselor one on one, and I am making great progress in my Alanon work. I am two years sober and almost divorced my wonderful wife of 40 years until she decided to take care of her own issues and not work them out on me. I was surprised at how very reflexively I kept acting paranoid after she stopped. It does take two, and we can only change ourselves and own our own happiness.

Mark75

I'm sure he does too...

Yea, it's a very confusing and turbulent time... Focus on your recovery first, try to disengage from his. He has to recover too.

Sasha4

I think that is in my case too.
I drank to cover up what I really knew was the truth - we are not compatible.

However, and I am not saying this in anyway right as I know it causes lots of rows and arguements, I 'call' him on behaviour that he does that he complained I did when he drinks too much. ALL THE TIME.

I don't see it fair that my actions were not okay, but his are.
There is no difference.

I also believe that I am a much stronger woman as a result of stopping drinking.
I am not constantly grovelling to him or worrying about what I did. I also realise that I can do many things myself and no-one has the right to make me feel small or inferior.

But thats me and my relationship is miserable and I am not easy to live with.

xxxx