fallingtogether

maybe it's a turning point.... I got into a pretty nasty argument with my husband this morning and maybe made a little head way. We exchanged childish insults, and with tears flowing down my face I screamed "I need your help!!!!!!" I said I drank to numb things, to not have to deal with them. Now I am trying to live again and I am so alone. I feel neglected I feel like I don't matter to him. I bared myself. I feel vulnerable. I just want to go home and cry. But instead I get to face my clients with cry eyes, and blame it on some stupid song or commercial!!!! I do feel better getting it out, I hope no ,after what way it goes, that it makes a difference! I know I can't change people, but I can certainly open their eyes as to where I was coming from and why I drank the way I did. I could tell by the look on his face, that he was shocked when I told him it wasn't the taste, it was the effects and that drinking was nothing more than a symptom of how I was feeling. Ugggghhhhh, personal growth is a bitch sometimes! Oh and I apologized for my childish actions. 24 days since my last drink....... Thank god!

Vall

You sound very very strong and very human to me fallingtogetherx

It will all fall into place and voicing things is a great way of doing even if it is accompanied by tears and consequently froggy eyes :>) I look pathetic after I cry but as my fave therapist of 6 (yes six) years always told me, "a cry a day, keeps the doctor away" especially for females.

MIRecovery

My heart goes out to you. When the numbness starts to clear the feelings come rushing in. AA worked for me because I could talk to people who understood and cared. They game me practical solutions to dealing with life.

Stay strong and stay sober, each day gets a little better

Natom

Sometimes you just need to lay all your cards down on the table and have a good scream. It's very theraputic, like gardening, only a lot louder.

fallingtogether

I have an 11 am meeting with my sponsor. I kept this in the back of my mind before I confronted him. Thank god for aa!!!!!! I am really becoming a grateful alcoholic!!!!

CherylT

Don't be worried about the crying. After so many years of numbing you probably have a lot of tears in you that need to come out. So go ahead and cry.

Anna

I'm glad you're getting through this.

And, try to remember it's very hard for others to get how hard it is and how we feel. I wanted desperately for my family to understand why I became an alcoholic, what was happening inside me. They didn't want to hear it. They wanted me to get well, of course, but made it very clear, it was MY problem.

Grace2

That could have been me writing that post just a few weeks ago! That is exactly how I felt, neglected and invisible! It's a good thing to let rip now and then, get it out of your system. You're strong and I have a gut feeling things will work out for you.

meesh80

fallingtogether,
Congrats on 24 days!! Your story sounds kind of like mine. I kept my opiate addiction a secret from my husband. I used opiates to numb my emotions-and now they are back! Sometimes it's great, sometimes I feel like it is more then I can handle. I do feel alone too-my husband has distanced himself from me and thinks we should go our separate ways so that we can focus on ourselves. I agree to an extent. I just wish he would give it all a chance. One day at a time right?!

Fandy

congrats on almost 4 weeks! that's great....but please try to remember others, if i remember correctly you have YOUNG children.

to hear Mom screaming at Dad, might be frightening for them. You can't expect everyone to know how you are feeling.....maybe sit down and talk to your husband calmly tonight and tell him you have such upset....without the screaming/drama.

a very wise person on these boards told me something that proves true again and again.
the difference between a bad day and a good day....is about 2 days.

lilgolden73

I'm sorry hun! I have been there! I hope your evening is better! Keep us updated!

Maylie

Sometimes those around us need us to spell it all out for them.
I have learned to never assume someone knows how you are feeling.
Hopefully he will be support you in this journey.

Keep up the good work! and remember to breath! Sometimes
when I get angry and start to feel I am getting upset or
that I want to yell I close my eyes and take some deep
breaths and it makes a world of difference.

justhadenough

Ah Fandy I'm sure her children weren't around

Hope you are feeling better for getting it all out Falling. Wishing you a better evening.Stay strong

aasharon90

It always amazes me when someone in recovery
shares a similar experience as I had. When I read
your topic title saying you screamed at the top of
lungs, I said to myself I know exactly how she felt
because I had done the same thing, except I was in
my car.

I too had many arguements with my spouse and
misunderstandings from family and friends and all
I ever wanted was to be understood. I could never
get them to see my side as an alcoholic in recovery
and the harder I tried the more frustrated, angry
and resentful I became.

Then one day after one of those arguements, I got
in my car to go walk at a nearby park with tears
streaming down my face, i hit the steering wheel
hard and screamed as I had never screamed before.

Screaming to God asking Him to help me and that
I couldnt handle the the marriage I was in for 25yrs.
My faith in Him reassured me that I was sure He
heard my cries and that one day He would show me
the way. All I had to do was continue turning my will
and life over to Him for guidance and safe keeping
and be patiant for His answer. All would be taken care
of in His time and not mine.

Sure enough my prayers were answered and I was
given a ticket back to my hometown, end my 25yr
marriage, remarry yrs later and become happier,
joyous and freer in recovery.

Today, my life is blessed and like you, i continue
to share my own ESH with others with amazement
to see others have similar stories in recovery as I.

stairs

You asked for help and that is huge!! 24 days is fantastic!! It's great that you just let it fly like that.
Asking for help honestly from the heart is very healing, I know it has been for me.

fallingtogether

Thanks guys! It was a turning point and I do believe that handing it over to god is the right thing to do. So that what I have done. And no, my kids were already at school. I'm not that horrible of a mother. This was intense. Hurtful and healing at the same time. Something tells me I needed this to happen today

Sapling

I think you are doing awesome....It's all about change...Keep going for it!!

Obladi

fallingtogether,
Glad you are feeling that you are headed in the right direction. You ARE doing this and should be proud of yourself for being strong enough to face your vulnerability. I know for certain this is a reason I've started in the bottle for so long and I admire your resolve over the past month.

Chrisy

Congrads on the 4 weeks. You are doing a great job.

fallingtogether

The night was great last night. I sat in the front room and caught up on some shows, he laid next to me. We didn't speak much, but that contact, the human touch was just what I was looking for. His hand on my back can make my whole body relax. It's what I have been missing. I did open up thorough out the day and give him some insights, maybe it worked. It's in gods hands, and last night, god gave me what I needed! That right there is faith working!