advice on aftermath of relationship with alcoholic/drug addict - i'm broken
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: uk
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advice on aftermath of relationship with alcoholic/drug addict - i'm broken
In April I started a relationship with a guy ten years younger than me, 32- still lives at home with his parents in a room with same nursery wallpaper he's had since he was little??? He was adorable in many ways - very loving and tender but also very childish - had ADD, and don't laugh! sang songs about 'poo poo willy willy bum bum' and drew pictures of err men's 'penises' wherever he could. Maybe all men do !! But he was also incredibly quick and funny and a great mimic and always making me laugh - very charismatic and beautiful with it. He was also an amazingly gifted wood carver capable of producing outstanding work which has been bought by well known celebrities, but a tortured soul.
We hit it off though straight away and had an incredible chemistry that strangers would remark on. However he was a heroin and pill (mogadon, zopiclone, diazepam) addict and alcoholic when i met him and on a methadone programme. The heroin stopped as we progressed but the alcohol increased (and possibly pill use continued, not sure) and here his personality would change and i'd start to monitor how much he drank. He could become quite obnoxious and verbally abusive and really hard work.
From the very beginning he would wake up in the night and hug me and say 'please don't leave me', 'I'll always love you forever', 'you're the only girl for me' I'll never love another etc. Very sweet but also a big red flag in my mind..... I'd try and brush this off, tell him not to be silly and he couldn't make promises like that as its just not realistic. He wanted us to live together and when i suggested he move out of his mum's and be independent he said 'only if i can move in with you'...another red flag.
We started to try for a baby really quickly as I felt my time was running out at 42... he said he'd never wanted a baby until he met me. For a couple of months I felt sure this is what i wanted (we also discussed marriage) but then after a couple of incidents when he was drunk that I considered abusive I started to have 2nd thoughts. I spent less time with him but still re-assured him that i loved him (he was always telling his family that i was about to dump him, which i wasn't until towards the end). I then started to get more and more depressed as i could never sleep when i was with him and i felt like i had to put a happy face on but his texts had started to bother me 'i need you in my life at the moment', 'you make my life complete', 'i like the person i am with you' etc .....?? is this normal or needy or was I paranoid? The trouble is the moment he started to feel more confident and liked himself more I started to dislike myself which is a bit confusing.
Anyway to cut a long story short - he didn't work much when i was with him as preferred to enjoy the relationship (his last and only relationship was at 25, seven years previous) so never had any money and had to rely on me or his mum for lifts. I started to feel like i was with a child in some ways. A couple of incidents happened that made me finish it - one was after an argument he took his mums car, got drunk, and then called me in a 'hysterical' state as he proceeded to crash the car (this felt pre-meditated that he 'wanted' me to hear it)... he then took no responsibility for what happened and said they needed a new car anyway!! Then another night he ended up in a cell after hitting somebody - when i went to look for him in town the next day as everyone was worried about him, it turns out he'd gone off to the pub with some mates and nicked a bottle of wine on the way from another pub. I was disgusted by this and decided i was being taken for an idiot and decided to leave him. His family told me they don't know what had happened to him - he was never like this before ????? He'd previously got a DUI.
His dad was awaiting some news from hospital as to whether he had cancer or not so the family asked me not to finish with him the night before the news came. I talked with his sister though and she'd said not to stay with him just cos of his dad and that made sense to me. I was starting to feel he had his own issues that he needed to deal with so decided that I'd finish it the next day and so I went over to his and talked to him saying I thought it best if we sorted our problems out and that I was leaving. Unfortunately his dad got bad news that day and I got a text from his mum saying 'he'd need me'....I'd already finished it with him so thought it best to leave it at that. He begged me to stay but something deep down told me i needed to get away as I was confused about what the relationship was about.
Since then I've been bombarded with texts and phone calls begging me to go back, saying I lead him on, I'm cold, I'm nasty, how can I let him rot, he misses the love I lavished on him, I'm a ****, he's going into rehab, then a text saying his back on heroin and I'm killing him and his liver, he loves me, he'll change, etc etc.
Sorry this is such a long post but my question is was I really terrible to leave him - he says i've just cast him away. (he still texts saying how can i leave him after all we talked about, after i said i loved him, wanted babies etc).. or is this behaviour typical of addicts who are unable to look after themselves so latch onto someone else?? (his mum wanted me to bring my univeristy work to his workshop as she said he could only work when i was with him - sweet, or not right???). I'm really confused and feel really bad about myself. Any thoughts really welcome. I've just re-read this and it sounds like a teenager's post - I guess I still am emotionally and thats hard to take.
Another point to mention is he always said he'd never love another, couldn't be with anyone else, would be single for ever!! (which i thought was crazy) Anyway a few days after that I drove to his place and who do i see with his arm round a girl - yup him...in his other hand a half bottle of vodka at 11am in the morning. This hurt so much and unfortunately i shouted my feelings out of the window in a not so friendly fashion - his response was to snear at me and say 'what do i care?'
Since then he's sent really nasty texts saying she's a better person than i'll ever be, he loves her properly as my love he says was 'fake' (He's only been with her a week!!!), says i've turned him into a ****, you broke my heart - go and get sterilised, god help your kids....
I feel like I've been physically beaten, my self esteem and confidence is in my shoes, and i've hit a hard depression - what is happening to me, I really loved him
Thanks for taking the time to read xx
We hit it off though straight away and had an incredible chemistry that strangers would remark on. However he was a heroin and pill (mogadon, zopiclone, diazepam) addict and alcoholic when i met him and on a methadone programme. The heroin stopped as we progressed but the alcohol increased (and possibly pill use continued, not sure) and here his personality would change and i'd start to monitor how much he drank. He could become quite obnoxious and verbally abusive and really hard work.
From the very beginning he would wake up in the night and hug me and say 'please don't leave me', 'I'll always love you forever', 'you're the only girl for me' I'll never love another etc. Very sweet but also a big red flag in my mind..... I'd try and brush this off, tell him not to be silly and he couldn't make promises like that as its just not realistic. He wanted us to live together and when i suggested he move out of his mum's and be independent he said 'only if i can move in with you'...another red flag.
We started to try for a baby really quickly as I felt my time was running out at 42... he said he'd never wanted a baby until he met me. For a couple of months I felt sure this is what i wanted (we also discussed marriage) but then after a couple of incidents when he was drunk that I considered abusive I started to have 2nd thoughts. I spent less time with him but still re-assured him that i loved him (he was always telling his family that i was about to dump him, which i wasn't until towards the end). I then started to get more and more depressed as i could never sleep when i was with him and i felt like i had to put a happy face on but his texts had started to bother me 'i need you in my life at the moment', 'you make my life complete', 'i like the person i am with you' etc .....?? is this normal or needy or was I paranoid? The trouble is the moment he started to feel more confident and liked himself more I started to dislike myself which is a bit confusing.
Anyway to cut a long story short - he didn't work much when i was with him as preferred to enjoy the relationship (his last and only relationship was at 25, seven years previous) so never had any money and had to rely on me or his mum for lifts. I started to feel like i was with a child in some ways. A couple of incidents happened that made me finish it - one was after an argument he took his mums car, got drunk, and then called me in a 'hysterical' state as he proceeded to crash the car (this felt pre-meditated that he 'wanted' me to hear it)... he then took no responsibility for what happened and said they needed a new car anyway!! Then another night he ended up in a cell after hitting somebody - when i went to look for him in town the next day as everyone was worried about him, it turns out he'd gone off to the pub with some mates and nicked a bottle of wine on the way from another pub. I was disgusted by this and decided i was being taken for an idiot and decided to leave him. His family told me they don't know what had happened to him - he was never like this before ????? He'd previously got a DUI.
His dad was awaiting some news from hospital as to whether he had cancer or not so the family asked me not to finish with him the night before the news came. I talked with his sister though and she'd said not to stay with him just cos of his dad and that made sense to me. I was starting to feel he had his own issues that he needed to deal with so decided that I'd finish it the next day and so I went over to his and talked to him saying I thought it best if we sorted our problems out and that I was leaving. Unfortunately his dad got bad news that day and I got a text from his mum saying 'he'd need me'....I'd already finished it with him so thought it best to leave it at that. He begged me to stay but something deep down told me i needed to get away as I was confused about what the relationship was about.
Since then I've been bombarded with texts and phone calls begging me to go back, saying I lead him on, I'm cold, I'm nasty, how can I let him rot, he misses the love I lavished on him, I'm a ****, he's going into rehab, then a text saying his back on heroin and I'm killing him and his liver, he loves me, he'll change, etc etc.
Sorry this is such a long post but my question is was I really terrible to leave him - he says i've just cast him away. (he still texts saying how can i leave him after all we talked about, after i said i loved him, wanted babies etc).. or is this behaviour typical of addicts who are unable to look after themselves so latch onto someone else?? (his mum wanted me to bring my univeristy work to his workshop as she said he could only work when i was with him - sweet, or not right???). I'm really confused and feel really bad about myself. Any thoughts really welcome. I've just re-read this and it sounds like a teenager's post - I guess I still am emotionally and thats hard to take.
Another point to mention is he always said he'd never love another, couldn't be with anyone else, would be single for ever!! (which i thought was crazy) Anyway a few days after that I drove to his place and who do i see with his arm round a girl - yup him...in his other hand a half bottle of vodka at 11am in the morning. This hurt so much and unfortunately i shouted my feelings out of the window in a not so friendly fashion - his response was to snear at me and say 'what do i care?'
Since then he's sent really nasty texts saying she's a better person than i'll ever be, he loves her properly as my love he says was 'fake' (He's only been with her a week!!!), says i've turned him into a ****, you broke my heart - go and get sterilised, god help your kids....
I feel like I've been physically beaten, my self esteem and confidence is in my shoes, and i've hit a hard depression - what is happening to me, I really loved him
Thanks for taking the time to read xx
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
That guy has some serious issues in addition to drinking and drugging. You are well rid of him and maybe you should consider blocking him and his family on your phone, email, and any other communication device.
I know it hurts to feel rejected, but then, you had already made the decision to end the relationship anyway. You knew there were things just not right about it. You did the right thing in breaking things off. He is extremely immature and will suck the life right out of you or anyone else he is in a relationship with. Thank your lucky stars you didn't get pregnant.
Do something extra nice for yourself and take time to get past all that chaos. You will be fine in time.
I know it hurts to feel rejected, but then, you had already made the decision to end the relationship anyway. You knew there were things just not right about it. You did the right thing in breaking things off. He is extremely immature and will suck the life right out of you or anyone else he is in a relationship with. Thank your lucky stars you didn't get pregnant.
Do something extra nice for yourself and take time to get past all that chaos. You will be fine in time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
You didn't do anything wrong. You were in a co-dependent relationship and you got out of it. Thank God you didn't have a kid with this guy. He sounds like he's still a kid himself. I agree - you should block his and his family's calls and move on. Perhaps take some time to heal before embarking on another relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 2
Thanks suki - good advice. I know rationally it all makes sense however I was besotted by him on his good 'mature' days - he was the most romantic, gentle, tender partner and I've never felt so relaxed with anybody. I just can't understand the personality changes and nastiness that he started spouting towards the end - there would be a nice loving email and then an abusive one. Its disturbed my sense of self i think so something I'll work on. Why or why can't i stop crying over him though - come back rational brain eh!!! Yup I'll book a massage and take care of myself - thank you x
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Sorry, but the guy sounds like a 4th grader. It's kind of easy to be fun loving and jovial when someone else is taking care of your every need. Thank goodness you didn't have a child with him. You may find when time passes that you were more infatuated than truly in love with him. I was involved with someone like that and ending it saved me. Hang in there!
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