Elisabeth888

Who else has a hard time saying stuff to people when you are bothered or correcting people who are say, doing work at your house?

I have got to work on boundaries with others. I don't want to make others mad or hurt their feelings.

How do you handle these situations in life?

I have a guy from AA here painting my dining room and I am a nervous wreck. I am afraid he is going to not do a good job or something. And then having to deal with that. I hired him because I know he is needing work.

Now I feel guilty that we are able to hire someone to do work and I feel self conscious and pretentious because our house is nice.

I am such a freak.

choublak

If you like things done a certain way, and are very particular about how something is done, you'd be better off doing it yourself.

Elisabeth888

Yah, I guess I am an anal retentive alcoholic to boot.

choublak

Well only you know what you are or are not, I'm just speaking from experience with my mom, who isn't alcoholic but is extremely picky, when I was about ten years old I tried to clean the kitchen for her and she didn't like that. She said, "don't clean my kitchen; I like my kitchen cleaned MY way" so I never cleaned the kitchen again. Thing is, she would also complain about how "nobody helps me around the house" which really irked me because it's like...okay well which one do you want? LOL but yeah, I was just speaking from my experience.

BadCompany

Don't feel guilty. Early in sobriety, before I was sane enough to hold down a regular job for more than three months, a lot of people in AA hired me to do odd jobs for them. Often it was the difference between eating or not. I am eternally grateful they did that for me.

I do the same for others now and I am grateful to be able to do that for them, to pass it on. This is what we do in AA. You are setting in motion what makes AA work. Be proud of yourself.

PippoRossi

Wow, Elisabeth. Were you and I seperated at birth??? Hubby and I are selling our home and got an offer on it right away. When he wanted to counter, I was afraid of making the potential buyer mad! I told him I just wanted to make someone very happy by selling our home to them on their conditions. He looked at me bewildered and said, "What are we doing, running a charity here???" LOLZ! I totally get where you are coming from. Sooo frustrating!

Elphaba

Try not to project to much into the situation, maybe he'll do a great job, and maybe he's not impressed with your house. It's just paint.

Dee74

You're not a freak - a lot of us gettting sober have trouble with assertiveness and boundaries and dealing with conflict...

but...the guy hasn't even finished the job yet
are you dissatisfied with his work or any other aspect, Elizabeth?

D

Elisabeth888

No, all is good so far, Dee. I am just worrying. If it does not turn out well, my husband will be like "why did we hire someone from AA?" I will feel responsible. etc.

PippoRossi

I can see your point there, Elisabeth. If that happens, and your husband DOES say those things, you can always say, "Lesson learned. I won't be doing that, again."

choublak

Then hand him the paint roller and say "here, you re-paint it to your liking." LOL

Seriously though, the person is painting walls, not gutting a bathroom. I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

Dee74

I'm glad it's all good

Try and let it go then, maybe? your worrying won't change the outcome anyway - it will only tie you in knots...and for what?

I think it's a wonderful thing you did giving someone else employment, a sense of purpose and a little dignity....

that would my answer to 'why did you hire someone from AA for'?

D

BadCompany

Stop projecting bad work. Stop projecting grumpy husband.

This all goes back to one day at a time. The work is not done, the husband isn't home yet and you have disaster projected in your head. None of these things are here except in your head. You are not living in the here and now. All this is in a projected future. Fear. This is why it is on the 4th step. This right here is how fear drives us nuts and back to the drink.


In the here and now the actual score as it stands is that you have helped out someone in AA and gotten your husband out of some work. This is the here and now.

Stop looking at the dining room.

If hubby complains remind him that his painting hand works or just stuff a bacon sammich in his face, either would shut me up.

Until something does happen step back and enjoy the here and now and let everything else go.

PippoRossi

BadCompany ~ a bacon "sammich" would shut me up, too! Yum!

FreeFall

Don't sweat the small stuff. You're doing a nice thing for someone else. If it doesn't work out, buy some more paint and move on

Choublak, my mom did the same thing about cleaning, cooking, everything really. She'd want help but no one could do it up to her standards. Oy!! Now she has Alzheimers and I have to do everything. We're doing it my way now lol

BadCompany

Your mother and my father would make the perfect storm.

sweepee

i know how you feel though i've just never had good luck hiring people to do stuff

CaiHong

Hi Elizabeth888,

The boundaries issue also involves thinking things through for me. Hiring friends or from a position of charity is not a good idea in my experience, had a bit of a disaster with a situation where the boundaries were so blurred that I was in such a state bouncing between being happy to give this person a job, to resentful, feeling I was the one being manipulated and not happy with the persons performance until I finally just blew up and to my relief she left. This was not well handled and I have learnt a lot from this, the uncomfortable gut feelings are not to be ignored but listened to and acted upon before the situation becomes uncomfortable and unmanageable..
As Bad Company pointed out you are projecting into the future and it is too late and you have hired the person, face the outcome when it happens.

I can so relate to your post. The more sober I get the less "generous " and sentimental about other people's lot in life. I was stupidly generous and looking back I don't know why I did it, to please people, so people would like me and let me drink. ". She drinks too much but she is kind and generous". Kind of thing.
I have gone on a bit but it's something that has been preying on my mind and your post gave me the opportunity to discuss it.

thanks Elisabeth
CaiHong