Day one, Rehab ahead, scared and confused
 

So I've been struggling off and on to get sober. A few days here, a day or two there and then it would go back to the way it was. Just letting go and letting myself drink when I wanted to. Granted I never drank in the morning, middle of the night and could get some sober time but it always went back to nightly drinking after work. Speeding home and just not even able to control my anxiety to get there so I could open that bottle of wine. Not wanting to drink it but needing to at the same time. I don't want to get drunk tonight and I would wake up with intentions to do many other things. I would go to work and feel positive that I would be going to the gym after work or finishing my laundry and I would truely intend to until the end of the day when I would start to get that itch and without even wanting to I would be stopping at the store to get the extra large bottle of wine so I didn't run out.

I finally decided that trying to tame this beast on my own isn't working. I need help and coping mechanisms. Will power isn't enough. I still have that small voice in my head ashamed that I couldn't control it. Wanting to convince me that I should be strong enough to do this on my own but I've proven time and time again that I am unable to do this on my own.

This is my first time going to treatment. I told my shrink that I needed help. Simply said I need help to stop. I called the out patient program today and am waiting to hear back from them.

I decided also to tell my roommate who is my best friend and my very close friend S. They both think that I'm overreacting and don't really need the help. That it's not that serious. My roommate more supportive than my friend S. I am honestly surprised at her reaction. She wanted to come to my therapy session with me to talk to my therapist and give her a more accurate idea of the problems going on in my life. That the increase in drinking or perception that I have a problem with alcohol is stemming from outside issues that I'm not dealing with.

Truth of the matter is that no matter what, I know that I drink too much. How bad am I going to let it get before getting help? This might be before the bigger problems happen. The ones you can't ignore like unemployment, DUI or worse. I don't want to get to that place! My whole maternal side of my family were alcoholics. I know that I have the gene. Who else craves alcohol like that? Gets anxiety about getting home for that drink? Obsesses about it? An alcoholic, that's who. I have finally made the realization and am able to say alcoholic rather than problem drinker.

Sorry to ramble but needed to get it out there. This is a huge step for me to start putting myself out there and my problem on display with people that know me.

I'll be on here and keep you posted on my progress.

Hello Janis;

I did a 90 day program in 1989, then I committed to Alcoholics Anonymous.

All the best.

Bob R

My friends and family said the same thing. Those that love us are in even more denial than we were. Our drinking friends say that because if you admit to a problem then they must have a problem too.

Here on SR is a great place to start! Read and post at least once a day and this place becomes your journal.

Welcome aboard! I will be looking for your posts

I think that is what is scaring her the most. She and I drank together often and in addition she takes a bunch of prescription medication so I think it is really freaking her out. I'm not sure if it's because she is afraid I'm going to try and pointing the finger at her but it's very hard for her to accept. She keeps acting like if I'm drinking as much as I say and what she sees then there isn't a problem. That I must be hiding how much I'm really drinking. Now it's almost like being on suicide watch because she keeps asking how I'm feeling and if I'm sure about this.

Thanks for the posts and sorry about the long initial post.

I'm going to a 30 day outpatient program which will be four nights a week and follows the twelve step program with group and individual therapy sessions.

You are taking the step toward a better way. Very proud of you, be proud of your self. Praying for you! :)

Hi Janis,
You are making a very wise decision in getting help now. I waited far too long and got help only after a DUI, job loss, health problems, and broken relationships. You are saving yourself from a lot future grief.

Welcome! You are amoung family.

I did a 120 day program in 2009 and then commited to AA.

Good for you Janis. You don't need anyone's permission or approval to seek recovery. You have determined that alcohol is messing up your life and you are going to stop drinking it. Sounds like a mature plan to me.

I second what's already been said; sounds like your friend is operating a little out of fear as she is now taking a look at the part alcohol & prescription meds are playing in her life, even if she isn't verbalising it. As for the constant questioning, sounds like she's genuinely concerned for you, it's just that it's a bit stumbly and she might not know how to convey it otherwise. Try to stay patient! :) Kudos to you for doing something about it now; I relate to that anxiety before picking up, for me it (was) a total physiological transformation (mouth watering, stomach-turning, antennae-pointing kinda stuff, ew :( ). Hope you keep posting here & continue to get professional help. This is for you; the bottom line is that it doesn't have to be on anyone else's terms, minimised or justified away. Best wishes :)

Xx

Welcome Janis. I'm so happy you are realizing you're headed for trouble. To keep going the way you were would have led you to a dangerous place.

3 dui's, ruined health and relationships, embarassment & humiliation - all those things happened to me because I insisted I had the willpower to control my drinking. You know better - be glad of that. You're doing a wise and brave thing. Keep posting & let us know how you are.

Welcome to SR Janis :)

D