Let sleeping dogs lie
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
Let sleeping dogs lie
The answer to this isn't so obvious as it may seem. At least it isn't to me. Which might be my addict voice speaking, I can't tell from in here. Maybe it's more obvious out there. Help please.
When I just leave everything alone, as it is, messed up though it may be (is), life in general flows so much more smoothly. On the surface anyway. Home is much more peaceful, I'm not questioned not tracked nearly so closely, I'm basically much more able to think and be at ease. Get things done. Be happier overall.
It's when I confront my situation that things get rough. Lots of anger at home, I cry a lot and wish I'd just said or done nothing but comply to the wishes of others. That being, just be quiet, stay home, work, tend my house, and agree with what others think I should think.
I live a lie in that. I don't agree with that way of living. I want to be free to talk with my friends, to write here at SR, attend meetings or even therapy if I choose, to admit openly to struggling with addiction, all of which I have done or still do, but in secret.
I'm an addict. Not a recovering addict, but an avoiding addict. At any time I know I could use again. Put it in front of me right now and I'd find a way to use it without anyone knowing. That I've basically abstained (certainly not without using however) is not recovery. That I'm not using right now is merely inactive addiction.
If I say or do nothing, if I don't think about dealing with the addiction or being straight-forward in what I want in life, I'm basically OK. Life is peaceful enough, I can still talk with friends, attend meetings, write when I find opportunity. It's when I confront it that the pot gets stirred, home life becomes miserable, my car gets searched and phone calls and e-mails tracked, and it's then thoughts of using become urgent. It's then that I'm most inclined to use.
So what would you do? Let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy the relative peace, or attempt, once again, knowing full well the repercussions of being open and honest, to address the matter and risk the hostility and likely relapse that will follow. Know also, I'm a very cautious person, quick to retreat back to silence, in order to keep the peace. I really just want peace.
When I just leave everything alone, as it is, messed up though it may be (is), life in general flows so much more smoothly. On the surface anyway. Home is much more peaceful, I'm not questioned not tracked nearly so closely, I'm basically much more able to think and be at ease. Get things done. Be happier overall.
It's when I confront my situation that things get rough. Lots of anger at home, I cry a lot and wish I'd just said or done nothing but comply to the wishes of others. That being, just be quiet, stay home, work, tend my house, and agree with what others think I should think.
I live a lie in that. I don't agree with that way of living. I want to be free to talk with my friends, to write here at SR, attend meetings or even therapy if I choose, to admit openly to struggling with addiction, all of which I have done or still do, but in secret.
I'm an addict. Not a recovering addict, but an avoiding addict. At any time I know I could use again. Put it in front of me right now and I'd find a way to use it without anyone knowing. That I've basically abstained (certainly not without using however) is not recovery. That I'm not using right now is merely inactive addiction.
If I say or do nothing, if I don't think about dealing with the addiction or being straight-forward in what I want in life, I'm basically OK. Life is peaceful enough, I can still talk with friends, attend meetings, write when I find opportunity. It's when I confront it that the pot gets stirred, home life becomes miserable, my car gets searched and phone calls and e-mails tracked, and it's then thoughts of using become urgent. It's then that I'm most inclined to use.
So what would you do? Let sleeping dogs lie and enjoy the relative peace, or attempt, once again, knowing full well the repercussions of being open and honest, to address the matter and risk the hostility and likely relapse that will follow. Know also, I'm a very cautious person, quick to retreat back to silence, in order to keep the peace. I really just want peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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I think what you're saying is that when you confront your disease, it seems to take a lot more energy to deal with it. I understand that in the context of the disease not wanting to lose. The disease fights back when it senses you are serious about recovery. However, to me, that means that you are starting to make headway.
As far as having your car searched, emails and phone calls tracked - who is doing that? That sounds counter-productive and miserable.
As far as having your car searched, emails and phone calls tracked - who is doing that? That sounds counter-productive and miserable.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
I thought that by simply abstaining that would be enough. But it's not, you see. I see.
The mate is the searcher. He's a bit paranoid. It is miserable. He moved out once at my insistence. Then I learned I was pregnant. He came back. We're raising a now 3-year old together, which for the boy is best. He's a good father and actually a good person, just a bit controlling to say the least.
The mate is the searcher. He's a bit paranoid. It is miserable. He moved out once at my insistence. Then I learned I was pregnant. He came back. We're raising a now 3-year old together, which for the boy is best. He's a good father and actually a good person, just a bit controlling to say the least.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Andisa, you believe that you are still in addiction, even though you have abstained for some time. I would like to ask you to consider this: what if you vow to never drink/use again? What if that vow is within your control, and you know that you will never break it?
Flipping that one, simple switch can move you from the place you are now to the place you want to be in the future without all of that turmoil that you are talking about (I would do anything to avoid that too).
That peace of mind and serenity that we all want (is it happiness?) will come when we accept that we don't drink or use anymore, no matter what, and in spite of that vow, that we will be reminded once in a while about our past addiction. We can make that reminder to be powerless, incapable of affecting our vow, leaving us sober and at peace with ourselves.
Flipping that one, simple switch can move you from the place you are now to the place you want to be in the future without all of that turmoil that you are talking about (I would do anything to avoid that too).
That peace of mind and serenity that we all want (is it happiness?) will come when we accept that we don't drink or use anymore, no matter what, and in spite of that vow, that we will be reminded once in a while about our past addiction. We can make that reminder to be powerless, incapable of affecting our vow, leaving us sober and at peace with ourselves.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Ah, that's so true, to just say never again would alleviate much anxiety about that aspect of fear in proceeding with what I need to do. Just the thought of "never again" is so provocative! Best I seem to be able to tolerate in my addict head is "not today." To cut off the option to ever use again would be to cut off my best escape route which seems somehow necessary to keep open. Well there some serious addict-speak. Ugh.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: FL
Posts: 50
Andisa - It sounds like you have more than one serious issue at play here. I understand your exasperation and frustration with dealing with your significant other (the fact he searches your car or your email I find troubling). On top of that you have a pre-schooler!!! That is quite a bit to contend with. The fact you are able to keep it together and not drink or use is commendable. You've done great. I don't think you are living a lie or are an avoiding addict. I think you are someone who used to have problems but is currently stone, cold sober. That's pretty cool.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Andisa.
I've just read your last post in another thread about lonely recovery. I might be wrong, but you sound so unhappy. From what you are writing about, it is more like prison where people obey strict rules (their cells are searched, e-mails tracked, meeting with friends are scheduled), not peace.
It is hard to live like someone's "supposed focus". I've been kind of "what I am supposed -and-expected to do" person for quit a long time. To live like this is like wearing shoes two sizes smaller only because some other person fits in them quite well. So you put on these shoes to please everyone around your, wear them all day long hiding your pain and discomfort. And at the end of the day you are already hurt so much that you are ready to scream "I want these damn shoes off! They pinch and hurt". But you put on you "I am Ok" mask and go on. Pain and anger are growing like steam inside pot, and then it may be an explosion that will follow.
As for the situation with hostility and searching/tracking it seems, let's say, not quite normal, and more you are ignoring it, the more you are exposing yourself to continuous stress. Are you seeing a counselor about that?
You seem to be so strong and powerful person to cope with this all and still be clean. But you certainly deserve to be yourself, not hiding yourself all the time.
I wish you courage and wisdom to find a way out of this situation.
Take care.
I've just read your last post in another thread about lonely recovery. I might be wrong, but you sound so unhappy. From what you are writing about, it is more like prison where people obey strict rules (their cells are searched, e-mails tracked, meeting with friends are scheduled), not peace.
It is hard to live like someone's "supposed focus". I've been kind of "what I am supposed -and-expected to do" person for quit a long time. To live like this is like wearing shoes two sizes smaller only because some other person fits in them quite well. So you put on these shoes to please everyone around your, wear them all day long hiding your pain and discomfort. And at the end of the day you are already hurt so much that you are ready to scream "I want these damn shoes off! They pinch and hurt". But you put on you "I am Ok" mask and go on. Pain and anger are growing like steam inside pot, and then it may be an explosion that will follow.
As for the situation with hostility and searching/tracking it seems, let's say, not quite normal, and more you are ignoring it, the more you are exposing yourself to continuous stress. Are you seeing a counselor about that?
You seem to be so strong and powerful person to cope with this all and still be clean. But you certainly deserve to be yourself, not hiding yourself all the time.
I wish you courage and wisdom to find a way out of this situation.
Take care.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
We can make that reminder to be powerless, incapable of affecting our vow, leaving us sober and at peace with ourselves.
I suggest you re-read your reply - you talk about sobriety as something to escape from, when you know in your heart that it is addiction that you must escape from, not the other way 'round. And another thing, you mentioned 'addict-speak', and that shows me that you are capable of recognizing when thoughts come from the addiction and not from you. That is a very powerful concept, Andisa, if you can stop and appreciate what this can mean to you.
I agree with Eumenides - I think you are doing great too. Stay the course, and things will improve for you. Leave all the stuff associated with using in a big stinking pile - the memories of guilt and shame, the thoughts of using again, the fear and self doubt. All these thoughts are your 'addict speak', and you can have them without needing to do anything about them. Just leave them alone, shut the door on them, and realize that you can be everything you need to be. You are so much more than your past.
You can do this.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 249
I think that in writing, exposing one's thoughts, not only is the feedback insightful and motivating, but it also helps one see what they are thinking.
After writing yesterday, my last opportunity of the day to safely read or write, I thought on what you all wrote, and received more to think on this early morning. Midnight, the shoe analogy fits perfectly. (Ironic too, I'm dealing with a sore foot these days.) I'm not seeing a counselor. Unless I know I'm actually willing to do something about this situation I don't know it would do any good. Even writing here, I'm just expressing what's going on, maybe in hopes I'll actually do something about it. Living in fear of the upset of another is a terrible way to live.
I carry your words with me today, here and what I received in my earlier thread. Something here has to change and I suppose the best and only place to start is to make something change. Thanks all.
After writing yesterday, my last opportunity of the day to safely read or write, I thought on what you all wrote, and received more to think on this early morning. Midnight, the shoe analogy fits perfectly. (Ironic too, I'm dealing with a sore foot these days.) I'm not seeing a counselor. Unless I know I'm actually willing to do something about this situation I don't know it would do any good. Even writing here, I'm just expressing what's going on, maybe in hopes I'll actually do something about it. Living in fear of the upset of another is a terrible way to live.
I carry your words with me today, here and what I received in my earlier thread. Something here has to change and I suppose the best and only place to start is to make something change. Thanks all.
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