StrictScrutiny

Hey all --

One month sober tomorrow. While I should be excited and proud, part of me wants to start drinking again just knowing "I can quit if I want to." I have felt empty and even more depressed since I quit.

Waiting on my sponsor to call me back so I can talk this over with her. I have plans for dinner with some people I met at AA and a meeting tomorrow to celebrate, but the urge to drink after all of that is weighing heavily on me.

least

I hope you don't give in to the addiction. It will only lead you back down a dark path. A month sober is early in recovery and emotions are still up and down a lot. Give yourself more sober time to see if you don't start feeling better.

Dee74

Hey SS

don't look now, but it's a trap

It's the great hope of everyone here at one time or another.

If all it really took to reset ourselves and 'learn control' was 30 days abstinence, we'd all do it - and there'd be no need for SR or AA or anything else.

I fell for this trap - not once but many many times - every single time I ended back at square one....

and believe me Scrut...it does NOT get easier to quit...I actually found it gets harder...much much harder.

The bottom line is the effect alcohol has on me is toxic...it will always be that way IMO...

I've proven conclusively it's not something I can control...so it's not something I can somehow learn to master.

I know thinking of 'never again' can be a little demoralising...but give do sobriety a decent chance.

Thousands of us can't be wrong

D

suki44883

Congratulations on your one month!!

I agree with Least. One month is a great accomplishment, but it is still very, very early. I don't know how long you drank, but it is going to take longer than one month for your brain and body to readjust to not getting its regular intake of alcohol. Also, you might want to visit with your doctor about your depression. Depression is common in early recovery and maybe you need a little help for a while until your brain gets all the synapses back in sync.

While it's probably true you can always quit again, please know that each recovery is more difficult than the last. Alcoholism is progressive, so if you do start drinking again, even if you want to take it slowly, it won't be long before you are back to drinking as much or maybe even more than you were when you decided to stop. I'm sure you've heard in AA that we all have another drink in us, but we aren't guaranteed another recovery. I hope you'll hang on to your sobriety and build on it since you already have a good start.

CommunityDawn

Strict Scrutiny. I think I can understand your ambivalence about staying sober: You've had a rough ride in early sobriety and yet people around you want you to celebrate. If you're anything like me, the word `celebrate' is one big drinking trigger. Have you tried to talk to those people you met at the meeting about how you feel? I am only on day 2 myself today and can tell you that it's so important to hold on to the sober time that you have, even if it isn't a bed of roses yet. It can be so hard to climb back up the rocky cliff of relapse.
One time I had a slip after people at a meeting cheered me on about my first month of sobriety. The next time that I approached my month sober, I shared: "Please don't congratulate me. That's a trigger." People understood, respected, and honoured my request.
Even though I'm only back on day 2, I do remember that things get better with time. Hang in there.

Fandy

i know how you feel, but even at one month you have such a vast improvement, do you really want to give in to that mindset? i'm askin because i think i bailed (the first time) at 63 days...if you are planning it, you are doing yourself a huge disservice,

DisplacedGRITS

When i started coming up on my one month mark i started planning myself a little "party." Congrats, you did it! You have power and self control! A whole month without drinking! The cloer i got though, the more thinking i did. Did i start this seeking a sober month or a sober life? As great as a month of sobriety is, it's a drop in the bucket compared to the big picture. I had started losing sight of my main goal because i'd gotten so focused on the month. 30 Days is just a number. A month is just a fragment of time. You have two periods of time that should matter to you above all others. Today and the entirety of your life. Focus on today with the latter as your primary goal. Celebrate your months if you want to but never let your short term goals become more important than your primary goal. Sustained sobriety for the rest of your life.

KrissWest

I think the important thing is really acceptance. I was very depressed after I stopped drinking and after 8 months, I still couldn't get it off of my mind so I turned to opiates... Don't do this because now I've been trying to get off of this stuff for nearly 1.5 yrs. They say that you go through a grieving process when the alcohol is gone. What you are experiencing, while not fun, is normal. Whenever a craving comes up, as you said, head to a meeting... Truly gives you encouragement to keep on going strong.

Anna

I feel for that line a few times, too. But, it's not a given that you will be able to quit again, and as others have said, it gets harder physically and mentally each time.

Focus on the positive aspects of your recovery and be proud of your accomplishment.

Delilah1

This is great advice, and a really good mindset for me to start having.

StrictScrutiny

Thanks all. I called my sponsor and talked for a while about it. It's just so uncomfortable to deal with this thing called "emotion" 24/7. Too late to get to a meeting tonight, but looking forward to getting to one tomorrow.

Hevyn

Hi StrictScrutiny. Maybe it would help if you remembered how you felt when you first signed on here. You said you had blackouts and had lost friends due to drinking, among other reasons you wanted to quit. I wish it weren't so, but as others have said - it's a fantasy that we can somehow become normal drinkers again.

I know you're only 23, and I get how long the road ahead looks. I felt that way too - and I was in my 50's when my world finally came crashing down. I had no choice but to admit there was no control once that first drink hit my system. You can imagine the path of destruction I left as I tried over the years to drink normally. We're hoping to help spare you the nightmare that many of us have been through. I hope you will keep posting and holding on to your precious sober time of 30 days.