Weasel1966

Having a tough day. Its sunny, warm, beautiful outside. Went to a street fair. All the good people of the world were congregating seemingly happy.

I look at others and wonder if they are drinkers or users. I blend in and they probably aren't thinking that of me.

The sum of my choices adds up to very little. Not so much in the form of things. I have had it and not had it and its not what I value.

Experiencing the most sober month in many many years. I slipped only twice. But the success of my efforts doesn't bring with it any great sense of fulfillment.

To be quite honest I kind of feel darker than when I was using everyday. Going to an AA meeting everyday. I have made being sober my number 1 thing and in doing so I have to keep telling myself exactly what's what. No hiding. No guessing. No bullsh!t.

But it comes with a heaviness. Almost a sense of sadness constantly.

I love my sobriety. I never want to go back. And yes I know this will pass. But damn... Walking in the dark all the time, mingling with the normalcy of others..... Kinda blows.

Oh well. Have a meeting at 2 today. Get to go listen to others who are like me. No street fair there.

K

Toss

I'm with you. I have the same thing going through my mind at my son's ball game this morning, "are these people really happy? are they drinkers? do they know what is going through my head right now?"

Living withoug drinking will probably be the hardest thing to do for the rest of my life, it's hard to imagine not being able to fall back on that crutch.

Just wanted to let you know that a person thousands of miles away is having the exact same type of thoughts.

Toss

andisa

Hey, I hear you. It's like that sometimes. You're in the midst of great change and with that can come a sense of heaviness and loss in the uncertainty. Remind yourself you're on the right path in making the changes you've undertaken, even when it might seem easier or more comfortable to go back to old ways.

Recently a few conversations have caught my attention, about happiness and fulfillment. Essentially it comes down to defining for oneself what it is to be happy, and fulfilled. Be cautious about comparing yourself to others, or how others seem to be. For surely they're struggling with their own problems or demons or situations also. You just can't see it, all you can see is the face they put on. Further, where others are at has no bearing on you or your opportunity to be happy and fulfilled. You are in control of your own mind, your own choices, your own happiness. I suppose that also reflects some Buddhist philosophy. I find truth and comfort in that. And motivation and inspiration as well.

Surround yourself with positive people, positive notions, positive thinking. It's remarkable how positively affecting that can be. Here's to a brighter day!

hypochondriac

I was thinking the exact same thing at the bus stop today.

I think this is a process and it takes time Ken. I am a week shy of 8 months and the feelings I have now are nothing like the feelings I had at a month sober. I have had that heaviness and sadness a lot, but it comes with a huge sense of accomplishment for having overcome a hurdle and experimenting with sobriety It takes guts to face life sober and that is something you can be proud of every day, no matter what your transient emotions may be x

SeekSobriety

Thanks so much for your post. I can certainly relate.

For me Alcohol and Drugs was my solution to my depression. Life without drugs and alcohol was dull and unhappy. When I first found drugs and Alcohol I felt "happy" for the first time in my life. Problem was of course that after a while, my "Solution" became a even bigger problem. Hangovers, missed obligations, legal issues, health issues, etc. etc. I knew I needed to take back control of my life from partying with drugs and Alcohol.

Problem was that now without my "solution" I dropped back into a deeper depression because I was not able to "Mask" my depression with partying.

So now I know I needed to find group therapy like AA, work on the 12 steps of recovery.
Find new friends, call others, stay busy, Exercise (which is a big deal for me, I hate to do it, but I almost ALWAYS feel better after even just 10 minutes!)

Getting professional help for depression is not cheap but neither was drinking and using, and I never had a problem shelling out cash for that. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me. There are also many medications available to experts in depression (for those who do not respond to Exercise and Talk therapy/CBT alone) There is no reason we have to live in darkness any longer with Depression, there are many treatments and options, unfortunately it is hard for us to find those options and they are not cheap. I found good referrals through my local State University Psychology and Psychiatry departments. There are low cost options available as well.

I am sorry for going on and on, I guess I am just reminding myself as well, since when I am in a dark place I see others having "fun" and sometimes have thoughts that hey "I can be having fun now as well, If I just take a shot or have a hit" But then I need to remind myself that, It will not solve my problems it will only make my problems worse in a few hours.

Thanks for letting me share.

pipparina

K,
early sobriety is hard. I remember it well. I felt like all I thought about was alcohol - not just wanting to drink, but wondering about everyone else, wondering if they were like me. It was the center of my universe for awhile. Took a lot of energy out of me, and I was tired and gloomy so often. I went to a ton of AA meetings, which gave me some relief, but not for long.
I got sober in the spring. I remember walking the streets of the city, seeing people sitting at outside cafes. I checked what everyone was drinking. I was so obsessed with it all.
It was like those cartoons when a character is really hungry, and everything he looks at turns into a chicken leg.
Hang in there. The weekends are hard for you, but just keep chugging along.

Weasel1966

I certainly know this is part of the game. I have been at this since April. I have a good plan and sponsor. Doing very well.

But....putting it out there feels good. And to have confirmation that others are similar kinda takes away some of it. Thanks!

Happiness is a muscle I must use to keep healthy. Guess it needs a little flexing today.

mecanix

I find compairing my insides to other peoples outsides only takes me down .

Remembering to be humbly thankful for what i do have, whats necesary in my life, makes me feel forfilled and peaceful .

I believe you need a longer consistant spell of sobriety for the drug and drink induced moods to change .

Bestwishes, M

Fandy

No one has a perfect life....some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue....but it's so much easier to deal with it sober...it's like a bonus at the end of the day.

(feel free to join us in the Gratitude section too).

Weasel1966

M... I can see why you thought I was comparing. Actually I was not. It was just a deep sense of where I am at.

Back from my meeting... and yup... just as I thought... I'm alkie.

Gonna get outside and try to enjoy the rest of the day.

Weasel1966

Just want to say that my day has completely turned around. I took the time to relax and just enjoy things.

Being sober has offered so many blessing in the little things. And for that I am grateful!

K

Dee74

great to hear Ken

D