Sobriety and my marriage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 15
Sobriety and my marriage
I'm close to four months dry (with one night off) and generally feeling pretty great about the decision to abstain: sleeping better, fathering better, exercising better, etc.
Here's the snafu: I've been a drinker most of my adult life, but started hitting it really, really hard about two years ago, when I discovered my wife was having an affair. (For the record, she is not a drinker and had long wanted me to quit.) She begged me to stick with the marriage (we have young children) and we started couples therapy. At this point, on a day-to-day level, we have been doing better.
So what's the problem: All that drinking was a way of dulling the hurt of the betrayal as well as a way of not dealing with it. Now that I'm sober, I find myself experiencing those emotions as if anew. I'm very raw, in a way that I never would have expected. It's ironic: I would have expected sobriety to have helped my marriage, but in a way it's undermining it.
No worries: I remain committed to being sober. I guess I just wonder if anyone out there has experienced something similar.
Here's the snafu: I've been a drinker most of my adult life, but started hitting it really, really hard about two years ago, when I discovered my wife was having an affair. (For the record, she is not a drinker and had long wanted me to quit.) She begged me to stick with the marriage (we have young children) and we started couples therapy. At this point, on a day-to-day level, we have been doing better.
So what's the problem: All that drinking was a way of dulling the hurt of the betrayal as well as a way of not dealing with it. Now that I'm sober, I find myself experiencing those emotions as if anew. I'm very raw, in a way that I never would have expected. It's ironic: I would have expected sobriety to have helped my marriage, but in a way it's undermining it.
No worries: I remain committed to being sober. I guess I just wonder if anyone out there has experienced something similar.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I did. Absolutely.
Drinking helped me numb all emotions I had, especially pain. It's very normal when newly sober to feel raw emotions of things from our past, for me, because I never dealt with it. Swept it under the rug and pushed them aside. It's part of what kept me drinking.
So for me, I had to deal with them. Just because it was stuff from the past didn't mean I should or was capable of just getting over it.
I did lots of one-on-one therapy which made a big difference. I'm also a member of AA which has helped in lots of ways but to this issue, I think it helps me deal with things as they come up and help me to not attempt to sweep things under the rug.
Drinking helped me numb all emotions I had, especially pain. It's very normal when newly sober to feel raw emotions of things from our past, for me, because I never dealt with it. Swept it under the rug and pushed them aside. It's part of what kept me drinking.
So for me, I had to deal with them. Just because it was stuff from the past didn't mean I should or was capable of just getting over it.
I did lots of one-on-one therapy which made a big difference. I'm also a member of AA which has helped in lots of ways but to this issue, I think it helps me deal with things as they come up and help me to not attempt to sweep things under the rug.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Yeah, I can understand what you are talking about.
I thought I knew where I stood as far as being a wife and mother. And, when I stopped drinking and took that long hard look at myself, I was quite shocked to learn that I had been believing in the image I presented, rather than what I really felt. I ended up learning that I was not the person I believed I was and that was disappointing. However, for the first time, I really accepted my good points.
I think the bottom line is that you don't know what you're going to find when you begin the recovery journey. Have you considered couples therapy?
I thought I knew where I stood as far as being a wife and mother. And, when I stopped drinking and took that long hard look at myself, I was quite shocked to learn that I had been believing in the image I presented, rather than what I really felt. I ended up learning that I was not the person I believed I was and that was disappointing. However, for the first time, I really accepted my good points.
I think the bottom line is that you don't know what you're going to find when you begin the recovery journey. Have you considered couples therapy?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
It sounds like you're on the right track, Ex (congrats on 4 months - that's awesome!)
What I found with emotions is that I had to learn to accept them and even go further into them, rather than try to get rid of them. There were times I would just sit with myself and just feel whatever it was I was feeling. It helped me see that I really could handle uncomfortable emotions, that it's OK to feel them - it's a part of life.
When we resist our feelings, or judge ourselves for having them, they actually become more painful. So be patient with yourself and allow your feelings to be there and they will begin to heal faster.
What I found with emotions is that I had to learn to accept them and even go further into them, rather than try to get rid of them. There were times I would just sit with myself and just feel whatever it was I was feeling. It helped me see that I really could handle uncomfortable emotions, that it's OK to feel them - it's a part of life.
When we resist our feelings, or judge ourselves for having them, they actually become more painful. So be patient with yourself and allow your feelings to be there and they will begin to heal faster.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Although I never had your specific problem this whole issue of feelings and emotions has been a challenge. I was so fricking numb for so long that when I started feeling again it really threw me for a loop. I simply did not know how to deal with them even happiness.
In my case it just took a while to sort through how I felt about a lot of things. Anger, sadness, happiness, love, eventually found an appropriate home with in my scrambled brain.
One thing I have found it is OK to feel again. You are angry and hurt and now you are finally admitting it. This is what should have happened years ago but it did not.
I wish I could say there was a magic bullet that fixed everything but for me it just took time, healing, talking to other/professionals and figuring out how it was I actually felt about some of this stuff. Forgiveness was also a huge part of the healing both of myself and others.
In my case it just took a while to sort through how I felt about a lot of things. Anger, sadness, happiness, love, eventually found an appropriate home with in my scrambled brain.
One thing I have found it is OK to feel again. You are angry and hurt and now you are finally admitting it. This is what should have happened years ago but it did not.
I wish I could say there was a magic bullet that fixed everything but for me it just took time, healing, talking to other/professionals and figuring out how it was I actually felt about some of this stuff. Forgiveness was also a huge part of the healing both of myself and others.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I didn't have this exact experience, but I certainly found that I could no longer avoid processing painful things once I'd quit drinking. Some stuff really slammed me right in the face, right away, and one of those things (although there was no affair) was my marriage.
I think Anna hits the nail on the head when she says you don't know what you're going to find after you quit. I was mighty shocked at what I found. Therapy helped an awful lot though.
I think Anna hits the nail on the head when she says you don't know what you're going to find after you quit. I was mighty shocked at what I found. Therapy helped an awful lot though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Brooklyn, New York
Posts: 15
Thanks to all of your smart, insightful people.
You mind if I ask, Only: What happened to your marriage? Because for me, it's not just the affair. It's also a sense that things are not good, and have been not-good for some time.
For the record, I am in therapy—individual and couples.
You mind if I ask, Only: What happened to your marriage? Because for me, it's not just the affair. It's also a sense that things are not good, and have been not-good for some time.
For the record, I am in therapy—individual and couples.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 227
My marriage was slowly eroding over the last five years or so. My wife saw this and tried to do something about it. I didn't. At least I didn't do that much. Part of the reason was my drinking. Part of it was depression, and I am sure there were other parts that I am still discovering. Short version, she quit trying, quit the marriage, slept with someone else, we are separated now, and, in my mind, done.
The shock of the separation and the infidelity is one of two reasons I stopped drinking. I was drinking a box of wine every two days, or a liter of whiskey some days and I saw I was headed down a bad path.
I also used drinking as a way to feel ok about problems in my marriage, and I regret it deeply. I wish I had dealt with the issues head on with a clear mind, but I didn't. Not that I think it was only my fault, but I feel that we let something get away that could have been wonderful for both of us for the rest of our lives.
I think that you have to deal with these issues sober to eventually be ok with yourself and your marriage. And maybe you will find you don't want to be married anymore, but isn't that better to know that's what you want instead of using alcohol to deal with being in a situation you really don't want to be in?
Good luck to you. Hopefully, we can all find some amount of happiness one of these days.
The shock of the separation and the infidelity is one of two reasons I stopped drinking. I was drinking a box of wine every two days, or a liter of whiskey some days and I saw I was headed down a bad path.
I also used drinking as a way to feel ok about problems in my marriage, and I regret it deeply. I wish I had dealt with the issues head on with a clear mind, but I didn't. Not that I think it was only my fault, but I feel that we let something get away that could have been wonderful for both of us for the rest of our lives.
I think that you have to deal with these issues sober to eventually be ok with yourself and your marriage. And maybe you will find you don't want to be married anymore, but isn't that better to know that's what you want instead of using alcohol to deal with being in a situation you really don't want to be in?
Good luck to you. Hopefully, we can all find some amount of happiness one of these days.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Pine Grove, PA
Posts: 146
SOBER
Son Of B**** Everything's Real
Feelings and emotions were not stuffed with alcohol anymore and I felt like I was nothing but raw nerves for quite awhile and was ultra sensitive to everything especially when it came to my wife, the good news was this balanced out and got better, the bad news after 9 yrs of continuos sobriety she left. We grew apart in sobriety and I changed. I was not fulfilling her expectations (her words not mine
. The best part is I did not need to drink and continue to be sober 9 yrs later. Hang in and wait for the miracle.
Son Of B**** Everything's Real
Feelings and emotions were not stuffed with alcohol anymore and I felt like I was nothing but raw nerves for quite awhile and was ultra sensitive to everything especially when it came to my wife, the good news was this balanced out and got better, the bad news after 9 yrs of continuos sobriety she left. We grew apart in sobriety and I changed. I was not fulfilling her expectations (her words not mine
. The best part is I did not need to drink and continue to be sober 9 yrs later. Hang in and wait for the miracle.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
What happened to your marriage?
I also drank in part to "cope" with a failing marriage and getting sober meant having to face a lot of things. I'm glad for it now because even though it wasn't always easy and we eventually divorced, it was from a much better place for both us. We went to counseling and got honest with ourselves and with each other. By the time we decided to divorce, it was a rational decision rather than one based on hurt and anger. To this day, we are still friends and spend most holidays together with our kids (and his wife, who is also a great friend).
I think the thing to remember is that all we really have is today and the opportunity to be the best we can be right now. No matter what else happens, we'll be better (and happier) for it.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
A couple of you have asked about my marriage.
Actually, it ended in divorce about 5 years after I quit drinking. Both my ex-husband and I married other people after our divorce and are happy in our second marriages.
Without dramatizing too much, and recognizing that these things are always complicated, the best way I can explain it is that we were a mismatch. Both unhappy, neither of us really trusting the other, and both of us escaping the truth (my way of escaping was my addiction). We were, in fact, so distant from each other that my husband didn't realize I drank (okay, he knew I DRANK, but not how much).
When I quit drinking, I lost my means of escape...from that issue and a host of others. I had no choice but to face all of it and found that therapy was the most helpful way. I did individual therapy plus marriage counseling with my husband--both kinds for several years. The individual counseling saved my sanity, but the marriage counseling could not save the marriage. I found one thing to be true: counseling can often fix a marriage that is broken, but it can't fix a relationship that never worked in the first place.
Was all this painful? Yes. Terribly so, but leaving the marriage was, for me, as necessary as putting down the bottle. Both my addiction and my marriage forced me to live a lie...and I can't do that anymore.
That is why it's so true that you just don't know what the road will look like after you quit your addiction. I think many of us expect it to be a fairy tale. We get the monkey off our backs, and we think it's going to be all roses and flowers. And make no mistake about it: it IS better, and it is SO worth it! But it's still life, and we don't get any special favors because we're no longer stoned to the gills.
Actually, it ended in divorce about 5 years after I quit drinking. Both my ex-husband and I married other people after our divorce and are happy in our second marriages.
Without dramatizing too much, and recognizing that these things are always complicated, the best way I can explain it is that we were a mismatch. Both unhappy, neither of us really trusting the other, and both of us escaping the truth (my way of escaping was my addiction). We were, in fact, so distant from each other that my husband didn't realize I drank (okay, he knew I DRANK, but not how much).
When I quit drinking, I lost my means of escape...from that issue and a host of others. I had no choice but to face all of it and found that therapy was the most helpful way. I did individual therapy plus marriage counseling with my husband--both kinds for several years. The individual counseling saved my sanity, but the marriage counseling could not save the marriage. I found one thing to be true: counseling can often fix a marriage that is broken, but it can't fix a relationship that never worked in the first place.
Was all this painful? Yes. Terribly so, but leaving the marriage was, for me, as necessary as putting down the bottle. Both my addiction and my marriage forced me to live a lie...and I can't do that anymore.
That is why it's so true that you just don't know what the road will look like after you quit your addiction. I think many of us expect it to be a fairy tale. We get the monkey off our backs, and we think it's going to be all roses and flowers. And make no mistake about it: it IS better, and it is SO worth it! But it's still life, and we don't get any special favors because we're no longer stoned to the gills.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by artsoul 
That's the hardest part, isn't it.... not knowing what's going to happen...
I also drank in part to "cope" with a failing marriage and getting sober meant having to face a lot of things. I'm glad for it now because even though it wasn't always easy and we eventually divorced, it was from a much better place for both us. We went to counseling and got honest with ourselves and with each other. By the time we decided to divorce, it was a rational decision rather than one based on hurt and anger. To this day, we are still friends and spend most holidays together with our kids (and his wife, who is also a great friend).
I think the thing to remember is that all we really have is today and the opportunity to be the best we can be right now. No matter what else happens, we'll be better (and happier) for it.
I also drank in part to "cope" with a failing marriage and getting sober meant having to face a lot of things. I'm glad for it now because even though it wasn't always easy and we eventually divorced, it was from a much better place for both us. We went to counseling and got honest with ourselves and with each other. By the time we decided to divorce, it was a rational decision rather than one based on hurt and anger. To this day, we are still friends and spend most holidays together with our kids (and his wife, who is also a great friend).
I think the thing to remember is that all we really have is today and the opportunity to be the best we can be right now. No matter what else happens, we'll be better (and happier) for it.
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