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Old 10-19-2012, 08:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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he drank too much and loved unwisely


First day here. I am here because Ive made the regretable decision for the past 16 years to drink nearly everyday, and go on binges nearly every week. Im not officially sober, but I haven't drank since wednesday night when i decided to hit the local bar for a few drinks.

Those drinks ended up becoming about six or seven. Whiskey and colas. I flirted with the bartender, who is amazing, and she was flirting back. Good times. Then I proceeded to get annihalated. She asked for my number and I'm fairly certain that in my increasing drunkeness I gave her my soon to be ex wifes number (im going through an amicable divorce, but my god, how would i explain that to my wife?). Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, it won't matter because I'm certain this lady will never call. She ended up cutting me off, my first experience with that humbling directive. Then i proceeded to drive home with my lights off through town. How I did not get arrested is beyond me. I was literally seeing double. I was still drunk when I woke up -- two and a half hours I was supposed to be at work. First time for that too.

I feel ashamed, foolish, extremely guilty. I could have killed someone. I also made a complete idiot out of myself (which I do nearly, no... everytime I get drunk). I'm very worn down on drinking. I spoke about these feelings to my friend who said I just need to moderate my drinking. I'm sure I do. But I believe that I can't.

I'm tired of being beery and bloated, stinking of last nights brew in the morning. Tasting that scum on my tounge. Waking up fuzzy and off balance. Having a beer in my hand or between my legs from the time I get off work until the time I go to bed. I have beautiful children who see me doing this.

I am hot mess. I want to find peace, and purge the guilt. I want to be a sober, thoughtfull man. I want to be healthy. I'm 34 and I don't want to be this guy at 54. I'm tired of this.

Im afraid I'll miss the drinking. This makes me feel really twisted. How can I hate drinking and then be afraid of losing it? I'm afraid of the challenge of coming clean. I want all the good but I don't want to sacrifice. I think its time though. Weary of being reckless and foolish and boozy.

Years ago I was in dodge city, kansas, touring the old boot hill where drifters and such were buried in the old days. An epitaph I saw struck me: He drank too much and loved unwisely. I saw myself in that. Ive hurt women emotionally and spiritually. I've hurt myself the same way with women. Its not all because of drinking. The demon rum gets blamed for a lot of human wickedness. But I know in my heart this drinking has inspired me to be vile too many times.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds like now is a good time to quit. I understand your fear of getting sober. Alcohol was always a quick fix for a lot of my problems. I never viewed it as the problem itself. The real problem was the way I felt when I wasnt drinking. Restless, irritable, discontent, bored, anxious depressed, afraid. So naturally the thought of getting sober was a scary one. I ended up in rehab and then joined AA. I worked the program of recovery which AA suggests and have not had a drink in over 4 years. My life and the way I feel about it have improved a million percent since then. I have gotten so much more out of the program then just freedom from alcohol.

Hope you find the answers that you need.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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When I first got sober almost 11 months ago.. I thought my life wouldn't be the same and I missed my friend in the boozing. But, since I have gotten sober my life and my relationships have improved 100 fold.

I never wanted children because of the type of drinker I was. Now at 37... I am contimplating having children for the first time in my life and I can not believe how happy that feeling makes me. I am excited.

Find your excitement and center in soberity. It is there. I promise.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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"I'm 34 and I don't want to be this guy at 54. I'm tired of this."

Well I am 56 and I resemble that remark and you are correct you do not want to be him.

Are you ready, really ready to give up your demon?
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hey reeling, welcome. I am pretty much was/at where you are. I've had to admit to myself that I can't moderate, I just have to quit. I used to LOVE drinking and loathe it the next day. Even hungover and miserable I was still scheming how to get smashed that night. Then I realized I was about to end up single, homeless and very sick at 32. There are a lot of great people on here and I wish you the best. Making the first post on here is the hardest part! Good luck my friend.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:48 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone. To MIRecovery, i am. I've thought about it everyday for years. I've halfway tried a couple times. Few weeks at most. I really think I'm ready. Will I be able to is another thing. But now is the best time. I have a great job, family, home. I got a lot of good years I can lose.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You made a regrettable decision to drink everyday for the past 16 years. Now you can make a positive decision not to drink everyday for the rest of your life. Welcome to recovery my friend, welcome to the forums, and if you want it, welcome to the beginning of your new life.
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thereeling View Post
Thank you everyone. To MIRecovery, i am. I've thought about it everyday for years. I've halfway tried a couple times. Few weeks at most. I really think I'm ready. Will I be able to is another thing. But now is the best time. I have a great job, family, home. I got a lot of good years I can lose.
I am a huge fan off AA. It literally saved my life. It worked when nothing else did. I spent $10,000+ and 20 years trying to drink normally and it never ever worked.

AA costs a buck and there is free coffee if you are willing to do what is necessary to stay sober.

I have seen it work hundreds of times. Give it a real shot and I think you will like the results
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I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself


Came back to life 7.24.2009
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family!
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Old 10-19-2012, 01:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi thereeling

my drinking came to define me. I though I would miss it...and I did for a while..but not anymore.

I don't miss the embarrassments,. or the shame, or the anger, or the despair my drinking bought me either.

Or not being able to look myself in the face in the mirror.

I like the man I am now, and the sober life I've built.
I miss nothing

I'm sure you'll come to look back and find the same. You're making a great decision
Welcome to SR

D
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Old 10-19-2012, 01:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome to sr & thank you for sharing. That was a very powerful post. You sound really insightful and i think you know what you need to do. I'm a newbie too & there's so much great info & advice on this forum. Stick around, read & post when u have questions or just need to vent.
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