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Old 10-18-2012, 11:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I've known it needs to happen and hope I can start now


Where do I start? I have a great job, a wonderful, understanding and loving wife, and three beautiful, innocent children. My drinking is to the point today where I feel I could lose all of these things in my life. I feel so guilty, anxious, sad, scared, etc. etc.
My drinking has a very predictable pattern: I have some wild night - go out with friends and stay out all night, black out, have my wife worried about me and appropriately angry, I wake up the next morning hating myself, wondering what terrible things I did the night before that I should be embarrassed about or (most terrifying) that could damage my relationship with my family or my job. I end up calling people I was with and trying to delicately question what I did, where did we go, etc. to try and get comfortable that I didn't do anything TOO stupid. I vow that this is the time it has to stop, that I'm just pressing my luck, that eventually something is going to happen that causes irrepareable damage. I stop for a while, slowly start again, think I have things under control, and then it could be weeks, months, a year plus, and the same thing happens again.
This most recently happened this week where I was out with work associates, have no idea how the night wrapped up, only that I thankfully got put in a cab to get me home. I'm now where I've found myself too many times - mind racing as to what I could have done, finding ways to convince myself that maybe it wasn't that bad, apologizing to my wife, and feeling incredibly guilty when I hug my kids, who are too young to know any better. And saying this time it has to stop.
I've seen a few therapists about this over the years, but this is the first time I've gone straight to an addiction / recovery spot. I hope this means I've finally come to grips that it has to end here and that I need help.
There are so many things that I am terrified of - right now terrified of any consequences that could arise from my binge the other night - but ultimately knowing that I can't drink anymore it is how my friends and family are going to view me, how it is going to burden my wife having to be the one at the party whose husband doesn't drink, her having to explain to people why I don't, me having to explain to business associates and friends why I turn down beers on the golf course or wine at dinner. It's strange that I think its these situations that are going to be the most difficult, when I know what I'm feeling now is so much more unsettling.
Any thoughts about my situation, shared experiences, etc. would be EXTREMELY HELPFUL right now. I also need to know where to start - can I just pop into an AA meeting and begin to try to figure this out? Any ideas about coping with guilt and anxiety about what you've done / may have done?
Thanks in advance. I hope that the fact that I am now saying I NEED HELP, not in the general sense that I took a stab at with therapists before, but specifically to stop drinking, means that it is for real this time.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR

Rather than it being a burden to your wife you not drinking have you thought it may come as huge relief?

I'm sure she'd rather have a sober husband,a good husband,a decent father than a guy who gets pissed,stays out all night doing god knows what,makes fool of himself and may well lose his job due to booze.

Seriously, I'm being harsh-but see it from her point of view. Do you reallythink your wife is happy with the way you've described things? She will probably cry with relief that you quit. You 'll find most people don't give much thought to us not drinking.It's only because we have a problem that we think NOT drinking is so abnormal.Most people don't notice what or if you drink-unless you are making a fool of yourself,in which case people will be glad you've quit.If people ask you don't have to give details,simply say you're not drinking tonight or taking some time off for health reasons

Welcome again,there is some great support here
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome needtostop!
Oh yeah we all know how you feel and that does not make it better for you right now, but I could not stop and was drinking all day every day 30 plus units a day from my morning coffee with shots to stop my shaking to passing out at night and starting all over again the next day.

Here is what I did when I was desperate and wanted to not continue the slow suicide I was committing.

First I was determined to quit for good but could not even get a whole morning sober over and over. I was a mess and out of control. So I came here and lurked and read and decided I was going to have an all inclusive hail mary pass and mass rush approach to my sobriety. I was sick to death of being sick to death and failing to make any headway. I did everything that I could find as I was doing this just once. Instead of setting conditions like I can't do that because then others would know and I can't tell my Doc or family and on and on. And the other end of conditions the as long as I am not tempted or as long as I don't have any stress come up. I was willing to do whatever it took, I would have run nekkid down the street singin Sweet Home Alabama if I thought that would work.

So I signed up for an in hospital 7 day medical detox with drugs and everything making it not only safe but painless. I swore that If I could clear the toxins i would never let them back in. I started posting here and going top AA meetings and yes you can just drop in.

I joined AA and just being able to talk without covering up exactly what I was and had done with others that accepted me for what I will be, not what I had been, was simply amazing.

I also went to one on one and group counseling, and had my VA and my regular GP monitoring my blood work monthly for the first six months. My wife and two grown boys and inlaws all got dialed into what was going on and I got great support. I also read a lot of SMART online articles and several good books. I only stayed in AA for three months but got all I needed from those wonderful people. That is the great thing about them. They are good for everybody in the first few weeks to find all the local resources available. Then they are also good for medium term folks like me who go for a few months to a year. And for yet others it is a long term way of life.

Thanks to my making up my mind to never drink or smoke again, and then with the support of all of those people I made to just over two years now and am recovered.

I consider myself recovered now. BECAUSE I know I am one drink, and one smoke, away from being enslaved again. And as in all cases, in this case too, Freedom Isn't Free. It cost me my drinking, a cheap price to pay, to stop being cheap myself.

I believed that I was powerless over alcohol. However I have found that I do have power over sobriety. That is the flip side of being powerless over alcohol dontcha think? I am under the influence literally with alcohol in my system thus not sober. But I can, when sober, choose never to drink again. Ever. That isn't being powerful over alcohol, I am powerless there. But the point is moot as sober, I have the power to stay sober. AA worked for what I needed.

Like all of us, I started in despair of having the willpower, and in desperation reached out like you are doing now too. If you are desperate enough, and have had enough, you will say ENOUGH!

And whatever it takes, you will find you already had enough of it, the whole time.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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justhadenough - I know deep down you are right, and I want to trust that she will still love me, be happier, and be proud of me. I'm just really scared - I remember when we first met and the fun we had (before anything had gotten out of control for me), and it scares me to think "what if she doesn't like this new guy?". Irrational, I know, but such are the things running through my head right now. Your comment about us being the only ones who notice the not drinking thing is helpful, I'd never thought of that. Thank you very much for responding, any dialogue, harsh or not, is so helpful to me right now.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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wow.. needtostopnow.. you literally just describe what I have recently gone through myself.. the embarassment/worry over things done drunk..& the fct
that instead of a therapist I actually went to something addiction related, specifically stick out to me..I don't know what your thoughts are on spiritual matters, but the last few days prayer & God have both gotten me through, along w/some very honest heartfelt talks with my fiancee..whom I too feel the guilt n shame of what I did to while I was drinking... It will get better friend.. you just keep the faith, literally.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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So when are you going to your first meeting and dial in your doc?
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by needtostopnow View Post
justhadenough - I know deep down you are right, and I want to trust that she will still love me, be happier, and be proud of me. I'm just really scared - I remember when we first met and the fun we had (before anything had gotten out of control for me), and it scares me to think "what if she doesn't like this new guy?". Irrational, I know, but such are the things running through my head right now. Your comment about us being the only ones who notice the not drinking thing is helpful, I'd never thought of that. Thank you very much for responding, any dialogue, harsh or not, is so helpful to me right now.
I'm sorry,I did not mean to upset you. Just re-read my comment and it did sound harsher than I meant it to-damned internet!(Well,me typing too quickly)
I could have written your post years ago before I just drank at home -we all understand

Have you discussed your drinking with her?
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks Itchy, despair and desperate are pretty appropriate right now. I have had enough, ironically I hope I don't start feeling better too soon and try and talk myself out of that...
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm sorry,I did not mean to upset you. Just re-read my comment and it did sound harsher than I meant it to-damned internet!(Well,me typing too quickly)
I could have written your post years ago before I just drank at home -we all understand

Have you discussed your drinking with her?
No apologies necessary, didn't mean my post to come off that way either! I have discussed it with her but it is usually in the context of broader discussion around irresponsibility, selfishness, and thoughtlessness. I've said "I know what needs to happen for this to stop, and I apologize that you have to deal with that too." She says she doesn't understand why I can't just stop when I need to stop. I think she wants me to try and find a solution that will allow me to still drink socially, I am to the point where I don't think that is an option anymore. Thanks again, good to actually be fully honest with people who understand.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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wow.. needtostopnow.. you literally just describe what I have recently gone through myself.. the embarassment/worry over things done drunk..& the fct
that instead of a therapist I actually went to something addiction related, specifically stick out to me..I don't know what your thoughts are on spiritual matters, but the last few days prayer & God have both gotten me through, along w/some very honest heartfelt talks with my fiancee..whom I too feel the guilt n shame of what I did to while I was drinking... It will get better friend.. you just keep the faith, literally.
Thanks BarrysMama. Since I've been kicking around on the site here I've been thinking about what my faith (grew up very believing and practicing Catholic, still believe but far from practicing now) was going to mean in all of this. I need any help I can get and will give the prayer thing a shot.
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Ok,thanks.No your post didn't come off that way at all

good luck,maybe join our October thread where all people quitting in October
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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So when are you going to your first meeting and dial in your doc?
I'd like to find one tomorrow. How long are meetings, usually? Going to have to disappear from the office for a while...
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Old 10-18-2012, 11:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi NeedToStopNow,
I don't know if this will help or not, but it might give you a peek into one possible future. I am 40. My dad has been an alcoholic all of my life. I think he started drinking right after he had my older sister, so it's all I've ever known. I am also one of 3 children. My dad is now 72 and he still drinks. He starts about 7.30pm, drinks alone in the sitting room until the next morning. It is just after 7am right now as I write this and he is passed out on the couch downstairs, as he is every morning. During the day he spends throwing up from the night before. Time flies by so fast and I'm sure when he was a young man he didn't think he would still be a drunk at 72. But that's what he is. We just tolerate him, we don't like him and certainly don't respect him. In fact I often hate him. He has ruined my life. Unfortunately, my dads drinking was accompanied by violence and abuse. What I'm trying to say is, your children are still young, but at some point they will be old enough to see and understand what is happening. It might never be talked about, they will just witness it and internalise it and before you know it, irreparable damage will be done. And I'm afraid it will dictate your future relationship with your children and how they see you. Please don't think I'm having a go at you, I'm not. I just want to encourage you to stop now, by whatever means, for your own sake, so that you can be the happy family man you want to be. I just know the effect of an alcoholic father on children and want to encourage you to find help now while your children are young. So they can build a good, healthy relationship with their father. One thing that isn't often realised, because I saw my dad drunk so often, I grew into adulthood feeling that life and the adult world was a scary empty place that I wouldn't be able to cope with unless I was anaesthetised with some kind of chemical substance like alcohol. Very quickly I became dependent on codeine. Even now, I still think life can't be faced on it's own. That's his legacy to me. It still hurts me that I don't have a father I can respect and look up to and go to for advice. And I'm sure it hurts him too. Bcos it's too late now. It's by no means too late for you. I gaurantee that what you will gain in stopping by far outweighs the temporary joys in not. Best of luck.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you, that does help. Nothing is more important to me than being a good dad to my kids.
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:16 AM   #15 (permalink)
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coming to this late, but welcome needtostopnow

D
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Old 10-19-2012, 01:28 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Good morning, needtostopnow.
I'm so glad you are here.

I'm sure you have spent some time reading and hopefully have found some comfort/relief that there are a ton of regular people just like you that struggle with this addiction.

I think that you can turn this around in your head and it will be ok. Instead of thinking people will miss your drunken self, instead think about how nice it will be for you and them to know your sober self! I had a number of uncles and a father who drank. I always loved them. But when they stopped, I found that I really liked them as people.

I dunno, maybe I'm biased, but I think we ARE particularly likeable people. We just need to let down or defenses enough to let ourselves be who we are without the protection or anesthetizion of the drink.

Again, welcome. I'm glad you found us.
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Old 10-19-2012, 02:03 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I wake up the next morning hating myself, wondering what terrible things I did the night before that I should be embarrassed about or (most terrifying) that could damage my relationship with my family or my job. I end up calling people I was with and trying to delicately question what I did, where did we go, etc. to try and get comfortable that I didn't do anything TOO stupid. I vow that this is the time it has to stop, that I'm just pressing my luck, that eventually something is going to happen that causes irrepareable damage. I stop for a while, slowly start again, think I have things under control, and then it could be weeks, months, a year plus, and the same thing happens again.
This is exactly what I have been going through too, it always amazes me when someone on here writes exactly how I feel! I stopped drinking earlier in the year for about a month and then started slowly and soon it got to be more and more. I realized I am not able to control my drinking and it was time to stop, 19 days sober today! I hate that feeling when waking up and feel really good about NEVER feeling that way again, I have stopped for good.

I am nervous too about what people will think of me not drinking. I have told a few of my closer friends, and that has helped, they have been there for me when I have needed it when I have been around alcohol. So far I have just tried to drink something that looks like it could be alcohol when I have been around it, people don't really even notice. I have just tried to go into situations where others will be drinking with a plan. I am hoping this part gets easier, from what I have read from others on here it does! This site really helps!
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Old 10-19-2012, 02:18 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi needtostopnow, and welcome.

You can stop into any AA meeting at any time. They usually last an hour. If you're late, don't sweat it. If you're not comfortable talking to people before and after the meeting, you can arrive a little late and leave a little early.

I've found that it is not uncommon that either the appointed speaker (if there is one) or the voluntary speaking of the other people often addresses exactly what's pressing on my mind.

You can rest assured that your situation is not unique. If the group you try first doesn't suit you, try different ones. Even if you find one you really like, sometimes due to other circumstances, you won't be able to make that one. In that case, try a different one.

I found it a little intimidating at some of the groups that some of the people seemed to have known and been through all kinds of stuff for ages. They'd hug each other when seeing each other. But if you hang out afterwards, chances are someone will approach you and strike up a conversation to make you feel at ease.

Part of the AA philosophy is to get out of yourself by helping others. So if you think people feel a sense of obligation to talk to you, think of it this way: it's easy for an alkie to get self-absorbed and isolated in his own head, so what they're doing when they reach out to you is just as important in keeping them from going back to drinking again and keeping secrets as it is in making you feel welcome.

And if someone lays a heavy duty story on you about how far down their abuse brought them, rather than say, 'well, I'm not that bad,' think of it this way. You're one of the lucky ones to have gotten out of denial enough to stop the downward spiral before it DOES get that bad.

I went to a meeting and there was a guy there who said he grew up around the corner from the place where it was held. He used to see the people going into meetings and hanging out afterwards and said to himself, 'those people are screwed up.' What happened when he grew up? He never thought he would be "one of those people," but he ended up going to that meeting on an ongoing basis.

So if you hear a biker dude or a businessman talking and you don't feel you belong in either of those demographics, keep an open mind. Aside from marriage (some of us are single), many of the things that we have to go through cuts across sex, sexual orientation, and our position in life.

For instance, I'm not married and I don't have kids, but there are plenty of people in my life that I don't want to let down with sloppy behavior and not remembering what I said.
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Old 10-19-2012, 03:08 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR

One of my main concerns when I quit drinking was how I was going to tell everyone, what they would think of me, etc. I didn't think my husband would be happy that I was no longer someone he could go out with to the pub or clubs and get drunk with. I was so wrong. The reality was that all of those things were so essential for me, that I thought they must be essential for him, too. Honestly, our relationship is a hundred times better now than it used to be... he doesn't worry about me constantly and we don't have arguments about alcohol and the drama that it brings. I am a stable person for the first time since he met me and I think that makes him happy, or at least more comfortable.

The friends thing... well, again, nobody cares. We just do different things now. It was hard telling people that I no longer drink, but not for any other reason other than that I'd built it up in my mind questioning what they would think and how they would react. People just don't care. The only people who do are those who drink too much too - drinking partners that (just like me) were only ever interested in the alcohol. The people who really matter, and really care, will be pleased that you've made a decision that you and your family will benefit hugely from.

Wishing you all the best.
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Old 10-19-2012, 04:17 AM   #20 (permalink)
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You are scared and so you should be. Change, and the leap into the unknown is pretty danged scary. You know that you are making the right decision and you may get only one chance at this, so make it a good one. You can quit drinking for good, you really can.

I found some big boy pants in my size, and put em on. I took responsibility for my drinking and for my sobriety too. You can do the same. Say 'enough, I deserve better, and I will have it, no matter what', and things will fall into place for you. Onward!
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