I've known it needs to happen and hope I can start now
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
Hi: I happen to agree with all of the preceeding posts, so I am not going to restate what already been so eloquently stated ; rather I am just going to comment on a couple of things that you mention in your original post that I particularily identify with, in the hopes of helping the both of us (it is quite true that recovery programs are rather selfish in nature, but it is perhaps less harsh sounding to call them symbiotic. People in recovery need each other equaly, regardless of what stage of recovery one happens to be in at any given moment. You descibe having gone through long periods of not drinking, only to return to it after getting to a point at some remove from the crisis that caused you to stop drinking in the first place; odd that, I had exactly the same experience. This is why I call recovery a symbiotic process; just now you need the support of people who have stopped drinking, just now I need the support of people who have just realised that they need to stop drinking permanently. In the past I have found it very easy to resume drinking after varying, but sometimes quite long periods of abstinance precisely because I have lost sight of urgency the caused me to stop in the first place, the idea of course being that in helping you to recover, I regain that sence of urgency without having to repeat the entire process. Simple idea, only made difficult to follow through on if I become complacent and come to feel that I am suddenly cured, and therefore no longer need support. So do not think for a moment that you will not find AA or any other recovery program you choose to be a very welcoming place, for surely I need you just as much as you need me. I should mention that it has been only a brief time, about 6 months now, since I last drank, but for the first time I honestly feel that I have stopped drinking, rather then that I am between drinks. And while the thought of my needing constant reminders of where I was in order to avoid returning there sounds daunting, I have not found it to be so at all; meetings can actually be quite enjoyable, and I tend to lose fewer golf balls than I used to do when occuppying myself otherwise
. As to to doubts you have about any negative impact your decision may have others, try to dismiss them as dross for the moment and put things in proper perseptive. Your main fear is losing your present life, which you made sound well worth preserving; of what importance is explaining why you don't drink while golfing, or turn down wine at dinners when compared to your life with your wife and 3 children; don't invent obstacles, deal with such things when and even if they come up. Anyway, that is all I have to add, other than to wish you, all here, and myself the best of luck. All but this bit that just occurred to me; I am very close to quite few people who are in very long term recovery, I am speaking of decades here, and including my 2 brothers and a cousin who is more like a sister, and I have yet to meet anyone who regrets having stopped drinking. I meet many who regret their current drinking-----all the best to you, Rick
. As to to doubts you have about any negative impact your decision may have others, try to dismiss them as dross for the moment and put things in proper perseptive. Your main fear is losing your present life, which you made sound well worth preserving; of what importance is explaining why you don't drink while golfing, or turn down wine at dinners when compared to your life with your wife and 3 children; don't invent obstacles, deal with such things when and even if they come up. Anyway, that is all I have to add, other than to wish you, all here, and myself the best of luck. All but this bit that just occurred to me; I am very close to quite few people who are in very long term recovery, I am speaking of decades here, and including my 2 brothers and a cousin who is more like a sister, and I have yet to meet anyone who regrets having stopped drinking. I meet many who regret their current drinking-----all the best to you, Rick
Last edited by ricmcc; 10-19-2012 at 05:24 AM. Reason: typo
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hi needs,
The wise people who beat me to this thread have said most of what I would have said (if I was that wise!) but I have just a little bit to add...
If you go to AA, get a sponsor and work the program, it is built into the steps to address and deal with the shame and guilt of our behavior while drinking. It's one of the beautiful gifts of the program.
I understand the worry about whether or not your wife will like the sober you, but you KNOW that you will damage and lose her and the kids if you keep drinking...so it's a given that she doesn't like the person you are becoming while drinking, so it's def worth it to see if you, she, the kids, your boss, your dog and neighbors like sober you better. Chances are they will like you better. Chances are YOU will like you better too!
The wise people who beat me to this thread have said most of what I would have said (if I was that wise!) but I have just a little bit to add...
If you go to AA, get a sponsor and work the program, it is built into the steps to address and deal with the shame and guilt of our behavior while drinking. It's one of the beautiful gifts of the program.
I understand the worry about whether or not your wife will like the sober you, but you KNOW that you will damage and lose her and the kids if you keep drinking...so it's a given that she doesn't like the person you are becoming while drinking, so it's def worth it to see if you, she, the kids, your boss, your dog and neighbors like sober you better. Chances are they will like you better. Chances are YOU will like you better too!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Your story is identical to mine. Tried Therapists for years. I thought if I only understood myself I would be able to drink like other people. Guess what? Did not work at all. I am not saying therapy is bad but it will not make you quit drinking.
What worked for me:
Your results may vary but it worked for me
What worked for me:
- I had to want to quit really really bad
- Went to professional rehab Intensive out patient therapy for 4 months
- Attended AA meeting all days I was not in IOP
- Got a sponsor
- Made a ton of sober friends
- Read a ton of literature both AA and non AA
- Still go to 5 meetings a week and work with other alcoholics
Your results may vary but it worked for me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
Welcome!
I agree with all above posts. Two additional points.
1) Cost / benefits are in every aspect of our lives. Yes, your wife (you and friends) may feel is a loss (cost) to not drink; but think of many benefits you and loved ones will receive.
2) You fear your wife won't like the new you. With any luck, we all change and evolve over the course of our lives. I can't imagine living my life at 55, with the mindset I had at 20.
You sound like you know what you want for yourself and loved ones. You can do it and keep posting!
I agree with all above posts. Two additional points.
1) Cost / benefits are in every aspect of our lives. Yes, your wife (you and friends) may feel is a loss (cost) to not drink; but think of many benefits you and loved ones will receive.
2) You fear your wife won't like the new you. With any luck, we all change and evolve over the course of our lives. I can't imagine living my life at 55, with the mindset I had at 20.
You sound like you know what you want for yourself and loved ones. You can do it and keep posting!
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Welcome NeedToStopNow! So glad you found SR-you will find it such a relief to realize you have a ton of company and support 24/7. There are all different routes to recovery, but they all start with a sincere need to change the lifestyle and quit the addiction. You have a great motivation to do this for both you and your family. It's amazing how much anxiety alcohol brings to your life. It is scary to make this big change, but so worth it. Good luck!!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Hey need!
I had to rack but your questions to me were answered by others quite well.
You said you hope you don't feel better too fast and go back to drinking. Lots of folks do relapse when they feel better, or when they are no longer as embarrassed. I hope you went to a meeting, if so what did you think?
If you read here a lot, you will see a lot of folks that feel deprived the whole time they are sober. You can see how they are looking for a reason good enough for them to claim it was too hard, too boring, too painful, to depressing to face without alcohol. They are right, they are that way and feel those things. That is life, and drinking I could not deal with them. Can anybody fix things ss well drinking?
I had to rack but your questions to me were answered by others quite well.
You said you hope you don't feel better too fast and go back to drinking. Lots of folks do relapse when they feel better, or when they are no longer as embarrassed. I hope you went to a meeting, if so what did you think?
If you read here a lot, you will see a lot of folks that feel deprived the whole time they are sober. You can see how they are looking for a reason good enough for them to claim it was too hard, too boring, too painful, to depressing to face without alcohol. They are right, they are that way and feel those things. That is life, and drinking I could not deal with them. Can anybody fix things ss well drinking?
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I now have a wife instead of a sparing partner. Our relationship is better than it has ever been but getting sober is something you need to do for you what ever the fall out. My experience is that every part of my life got better with no part being worse
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
Welcome, needstostopnow.
Great advice here.
Your story describes me exactly how I was about 5 or 10 years ago.
Don't follow my path. I continued with alcohol far longer than I should have. Risked everything, lost almost everything.
You are correct, if you continue drinking, you will lose everything. It's a matter of "when", not "if".
I applaud you for recognizing it at this stage.
But now comes the difficult part, what are you going to do to get into recovery, and stay and live in recovery?
God, rehab, the fellowship and program of AA are helping me. But there are other ways to get sober too. Please seek and find one that works for you.
You have so much at stake.
I wish you the best,
-SD
Great advice here.
Your story describes me exactly how I was about 5 or 10 years ago.
Don't follow my path. I continued with alcohol far longer than I should have. Risked everything, lost almost everything.
You are correct, if you continue drinking, you will lose everything. It's a matter of "when", not "if".
I applaud you for recognizing it at this stage.
But now comes the difficult part, what are you going to do to get into recovery, and stay and live in recovery?
God, rehab, the fellowship and program of AA are helping me. But there are other ways to get sober too. Please seek and find one that works for you.
You have so much at stake.
I wish you the best,
-SD
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome NeedtoStopNow!
I had all the same questions and fears (what would people think? would I ever have fun without alcohol? etc.). Getting sober was scary, but it was even scarier to think about what would happen if I didn't stop.
It takes a little getting used to, but all I can tell you is that I feel so much better about myself now. The fear was all in my own imagination. Life is better all around.
I had all the same questions and fears (what would people think? would I ever have fun without alcohol? etc.). Getting sober was scary, but it was even scarier to think about what would happen if I didn't stop.
It takes a little getting used to, but all I can tell you is that I feel so much better about myself now. The fear was all in my own imagination. Life is better all around.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
Dear fellow posters,
Please use paragraph breaks in your postings. A novella that is all one paragraph makes you want to give up, especially if your brain is fungoid in the early days of sobriety. Sure it's easier for you, but it's not very considerate for the person trying to read it.
Please use paragraph breaks in your postings. A novella that is all one paragraph makes you want to give up, especially if your brain is fungoid in the early days of sobriety. Sure it's easier for you, but it's not very considerate for the person trying to read it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
[QUOTE=needtostopnow;3631963]
This most recently happened this week where I was out with work associates, have no idea how the night wrapped up, only that I thankfully got put in a cab to get me home. I'm now where I've found myself too many times - mind racing as to what I could have done, finding ways to convince myself that maybe it wasn't that bad, apologizing to my wife, and feeling incredibly guilty when I hug my kids, who are too young to know any better. And saying this time it has to stop.
We have all been there, believe me. But, you never have to feel like this again.
You never, ever have to have that guilt or shame again. All you need to do is not pick up that first drink. One drink is too many but however many is never enough...
I've seen a few therapists about this over the years, but this is the first time I've gone straight to an addiction / recovery spot. I hope this means I've finally come to grips that it has to end here and that I need help.
I spent thousands on therapists as I thought there had to be a reason why I acted this way. I had anxiety, some misdiagnosed or undiagnosed social or mental health problem. This surely was not because I needed to just stop drinking. There had to be more? No, I had/have a drink problem and I needed to stop drinking. No exotic, rare disease. No hardships. No unbearable stress or life strains. I was a boozer. Having that answer would have saved me $4,000 of my own cash and is often found free of charge here or at AA!
There are so many things that I am terrified of - right now terrified of any consequences that could arise from my binge the other night - but ultimately knowing that I can't drink anymore it is how my friends and family are going to view me, how it is going to burden my wife having to be the one at the party whose husband doesn't drink, her having to explain to people why I don't, me having to explain to business associates and friends why I turn down beers on the golf course or wine at dinner. It's strange that I think its these situations that are going to be the most difficult, when I know what I'm feeling now is so much more unsettling.
This is nothing to worry about honestly.
I work in a drinking enviroment. All my friends drink etc etc. I just said, when offered no thanks. When people asked and I won't lie, they did. I said 'I have set myself a challenge to give up drinking and see how long I can go'.
Most people just say 'wow good for you' or 'how long will you do' and I say I'm not sure. Then thats it. And the longer it is for me now (I 'm at 8 months) the less they ask. Sometimes I say I would like to make it to a year.
I am sure somepeople have guessed from my past behaviour, but honestly it is no big deal now.
If I can, I always offer to drive, so there is no way I would drink. Never have.
I avoid situations where boozing is the sole activity. Not because I would be tempted, but because I am bored now by drunk people.
I am probably not the life and soul of the party now, but I don't think I ever was. I always used to get black out drunk and had to be looked after. But, I would rather be as I am now than have to suffer the horrific feelings of guilt, shame and paranoia that was the norm for me after a drink for the sake of a few nights out.
I won't lie at first it took some hard work.
Learning new behaviours and routines. Not clock watching until 7.30pm for a drink, in the same glass, on the same side of the sofa in front of the same television programme.
I went home from work different routes to avoid my usual booze shops.
I went to bed earlier for a lot nights just to get away from myself.
I mooched round supermarkets, scrubbed the kitchen floor, laid on my bed staring at the ceiling...
But now I can honestly say it would seem strange to sit and drink all evening. That routine has become totally alien to me now.
Any thoughts about my situation, shared experiences, etc. would be EXTREMELY HELPFUL right now. I also need to know where to start - can I just pop into an AA meeting and begin to try to figure this out? Any ideas about coping with guilt and anxiety about what you've done / may have done?
I love AA. I would suggest you go and just listen and see if you identify with anyone. There are all walks of life there, all sorts of experiences. It is very humbling to be amongst people who understand and maybe were worse than yourself and want to share and help to stop you hitting the rock bottom they hit.
The anxiety and guilt I still struggle with myself, so not the best to advise you. But I kind of think we are programmed a bit differently from regular drinkers and process alcohol in a different way. So it's a little bit more than 'just drinking too much'.
The steps also help with these feelings immensly.
I hope I have been a teeny bit helpful and I wish you the very best xxxx
This most recently happened this week where I was out with work associates, have no idea how the night wrapped up, only that I thankfully got put in a cab to get me home. I'm now where I've found myself too many times - mind racing as to what I could have done, finding ways to convince myself that maybe it wasn't that bad, apologizing to my wife, and feeling incredibly guilty when I hug my kids, who are too young to know any better. And saying this time it has to stop.
We have all been there, believe me. But, you never have to feel like this again.
You never, ever have to have that guilt or shame again. All you need to do is not pick up that first drink. One drink is too many but however many is never enough...
I've seen a few therapists about this over the years, but this is the first time I've gone straight to an addiction / recovery spot. I hope this means I've finally come to grips that it has to end here and that I need help.
I spent thousands on therapists as I thought there had to be a reason why I acted this way. I had anxiety, some misdiagnosed or undiagnosed social or mental health problem. This surely was not because I needed to just stop drinking. There had to be more? No, I had/have a drink problem and I needed to stop drinking. No exotic, rare disease. No hardships. No unbearable stress or life strains. I was a boozer. Having that answer would have saved me $4,000 of my own cash and is often found free of charge here or at AA!
There are so many things that I am terrified of - right now terrified of any consequences that could arise from my binge the other night - but ultimately knowing that I can't drink anymore it is how my friends and family are going to view me, how it is going to burden my wife having to be the one at the party whose husband doesn't drink, her having to explain to people why I don't, me having to explain to business associates and friends why I turn down beers on the golf course or wine at dinner. It's strange that I think its these situations that are going to be the most difficult, when I know what I'm feeling now is so much more unsettling.
This is nothing to worry about honestly.
I work in a drinking enviroment. All my friends drink etc etc. I just said, when offered no thanks. When people asked and I won't lie, they did. I said 'I have set myself a challenge to give up drinking and see how long I can go'.
Most people just say 'wow good for you' or 'how long will you do' and I say I'm not sure. Then thats it. And the longer it is for me now (I 'm at 8 months) the less they ask. Sometimes I say I would like to make it to a year.
I am sure somepeople have guessed from my past behaviour, but honestly it is no big deal now.
If I can, I always offer to drive, so there is no way I would drink. Never have.
I avoid situations where boozing is the sole activity. Not because I would be tempted, but because I am bored now by drunk people.
I am probably not the life and soul of the party now, but I don't think I ever was. I always used to get black out drunk and had to be looked after. But, I would rather be as I am now than have to suffer the horrific feelings of guilt, shame and paranoia that was the norm for me after a drink for the sake of a few nights out.
I won't lie at first it took some hard work.
Learning new behaviours and routines. Not clock watching until 7.30pm for a drink, in the same glass, on the same side of the sofa in front of the same television programme.
I went home from work different routes to avoid my usual booze shops.
I went to bed earlier for a lot nights just to get away from myself.
I mooched round supermarkets, scrubbed the kitchen floor, laid on my bed staring at the ceiling...
But now I can honestly say it would seem strange to sit and drink all evening. That routine has become totally alien to me now.
Any thoughts about my situation, shared experiences, etc. would be EXTREMELY HELPFUL right now. I also need to know where to start - can I just pop into an AA meeting and begin to try to figure this out? Any ideas about coping with guilt and anxiety about what you've done / may have done?
I love AA. I would suggest you go and just listen and see if you identify with anyone. There are all walks of life there, all sorts of experiences. It is very humbling to be amongst people who understand and maybe were worse than yourself and want to share and help to stop you hitting the rock bottom they hit.
The anxiety and guilt I still struggle with myself, so not the best to advise you. But I kind of think we are programmed a bit differently from regular drinkers and process alcohol in a different way. So it's a little bit more than 'just drinking too much'.
The steps also help with these feelings immensly.
I hope I have been a teeny bit helpful and I wish you the very best xxxx
Last edited by Sasha4; 10-19-2012 at 04:21 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
I found out that drinking was good for me until it wasn't. If you have truly lost the ability to control your drinking then you are an acholic and the is no shame in that.
As for when it comes t what others will say at parties and on the golf course. I have truly found that it is only the acholic that cares about how much others around him s drinking. I found out several months after I stopped drinking from my drinking buddies that they even thought I drink to much. And when I wasn't around pushing shots on them they actually didn't drink as much as I thought they did... It is one if the weirdest things ever I now know... At least to me.
As for my husband and I ... He isn't much of a drinker he can take it or leave it so when I stopped drinking he was super supportive because we stopped having the marriage problems we were having, no more DUI's, no more nights in jail, ECG. Life is clear.. I am happy and I love my ice now. I wouldn't trade it for the ability to drink like a fish and not have an addiction.
As for when it comes t what others will say at parties and on the golf course. I have truly found that it is only the acholic that cares about how much others around him s drinking. I found out several months after I stopped drinking from my drinking buddies that they even thought I drink to much. And when I wasn't around pushing shots on them they actually didn't drink as much as I thought they did... It is one if the weirdest things ever I now know... At least to me.
As for my husband and I ... He isn't much of a drinker he can take it or leave it so when I stopped drinking he was super supportive because we stopped having the marriage problems we were having, no more DUI's, no more nights in jail, ECG. Life is clear.. I am happy and I love my ice now. I wouldn't trade it for the ability to drink like a fish and not have an addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Itchy 
How'd it go?Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Fandamntastic!
Don't forget to post your experience and your trepidation about being in a small town. Many think that is a reason not to go. Others act like they will be abducted and chained down by AA zombies!
Lots of folks let fear keep them from getting local support. I try to tell them that it can't hurt anything, worst case they find out it is not for them. I have never heard of an AA group easting anybody! ( well except for the group in the Philippine highlands.)
I am glad you got connected with them, they were invaluable for me in my early sobriety.
Don't forget to post your experience and your trepidation about being in a small town. Many think that is a reason not to go. Others act like they will be abducted and chained down by AA zombies!
Lots of folks let fear keep them from getting local support. I try to tell them that it can't hurt anything, worst case they find out it is not for them. I have never heard of an AA group easting anybody! ( well except for the group in the Philippine highlands.)
I am glad you got connected with them, they were invaluable for me in my early sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Itchy
Fandamntastic!
Don't forget to post your experience and your trepidation about being in a small town. Many think that is a reason not to go. Others act like they will be abducted and chained down by AA zombies!
Lots of folks let fear keep them from getting local support. I try to tell them that it can't hurt anything, worst case they find out it is not for them. I have never heard of an AA group easting anybody! ( well except for the group in the Philippine highlands.)
I am glad you got connected with them, they were invaluable for me in my early sobriety.
Don't forget to post your experience and your trepidation about being in a small town. Many think that is a reason not to go. Others act like they will be abducted and chained down by AA zombies!
Lots of folks let fear keep them from getting local support. I try to tell them that it can't hurt anything, worst case they find out it is not for them. I have never heard of an AA group easting anybody! ( well except for the group in the Philippine highlands.)
I am glad you got connected with them, they were invaluable for me in my early sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Sasha4
I am really pleased you went, even though you live in a small town.
I hope you come to love and respect AA and it's members as much as I do.
XXxX
I hope you come to love and respect AA and it's members as much as I do.
XXxX
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