Surrendering.
Phoenix.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Brew.
Posts: 117
Surrendering.
Hi. Just need to get this stuff inside my head out...
In an hour, it will be my 33rd birthday.
It's going to be my first birthday since I was 13 that I will be sober.
It's also 5 days before my 6 month sobriety birthday.
For the past few weeks, and past few posts, I have been pouting like crazy.
Kicking rocks, and feeling sorry for myself.
Because I posted here and y'all responded, and things I heard in a meeting tonight, I've realized what has been going on.
I've gotten complacent.
I thought, "Hey, you've lost some weight, you have some sobriety under your belt, you're a little more interesting than you were before, you've got this stuff handled."
However..
I lack discipline, my house is an effing mess, I've been eating like crap, I haven't been exercising, I've been stewing over people I feel have wronged me, and life cards I've been dealt.
I was letting myself swallow me up again.
Getting stuck in my brain, and not allowing myself to move forward.
Someone said in a meeting tonight that every time they get a bit uncomfortable in life, they know they're not doing the things they need to get better.
That's exactly what's been happening. I'm not making moves to live a better life. I shifted some things (quitting drinking, working more), then sat in it again... Which is what gets me into trouble in the first place.
I know, for me, that I need to start with routine.
After the routine is down, I can start adding things. A class, or a dinner club..
Then, I need to start working steps in this program that I've been so strongly opposed to.
I thought, "I can't have this be my life now. Not this. I don't want my life to look like that."
As if my life before AA was this cool thing. I was so effing cool.
I could drink anyone under the table.
I was saccharine sweet, and sh-t-talky mean.
I was sarcastic, and funny, and popular.
Oh, I had a million friends, all right.
A million friends because I had the money, and the coke, and the endless rounds of shots for everyone.
I've been holding on to that, some place in me.
That identity I had.
I still think, in some ways, that what was happening for the past 20 years was a good time.
I seem to block out the countless people I brought into my bed, the people that forced themselves there, the endless sprained ankles, wetting myself in public, falling down, almost knocking a tooth out, losing thousands and thousands of dollars over the years, the smoker's cough, getting locked out of my house in 10 below weather with a skirt on and no panties at 4am in a terrible neighborhood, getting fired from jobs, never developing any kind of mature romantic relationship, coming to my niece's birthday late and drunk, hugging her drunk, or smelly and hungover.. The list goes on, and on, and on, and on..
I think about regret. And how I never really understood it as a drunk, because I had never taken responsibility for anything.
In my head, I keep thinking that I have done this somehow.
Yet another failure.
This mentality that, "GREAT. Now you have to spend your life doing this other crap, because of all the crap you did before it. Look at you now. You're weak, and sad, and now a sheep in some weird culty group that wants you to drink the kool-aid."
Look. It's become apparent to me that for some reason, I'm different. I can't drink socially. I think in a weird effing way. I hold resentments long and hard, and try to numb it out with anything possible. I cannot see past myself sometimes.
I like to think that my grief brought me here.. That grief made me an alcoholic.. But it's simply not the case. Something inside of me makes me an alcoholic. Other people grieve, and can have that farewell cordial for a loved one, then move on..
I'm different. And that's okay.
I just have to be conscious of it, and take steps to recognize what my head is doing. To talk it out more.. (something I still don't do in meetings)
I need to go to more meetings, and build a new life.
In short..
I need to start doing some work to be a better person.
And I'm going to start that today.
Thanks for being a safe place for me to say all of this.
And thanks for all of you that encouraged me in the past week to do more.
Cass
In an hour, it will be my 33rd birthday.
It's going to be my first birthday since I was 13 that I will be sober.
It's also 5 days before my 6 month sobriety birthday.
For the past few weeks, and past few posts, I have been pouting like crazy.
Kicking rocks, and feeling sorry for myself.
Because I posted here and y'all responded, and things I heard in a meeting tonight, I've realized what has been going on.
I've gotten complacent.
I thought, "Hey, you've lost some weight, you have some sobriety under your belt, you're a little more interesting than you were before, you've got this stuff handled."
However..
I lack discipline, my house is an effing mess, I've been eating like crap, I haven't been exercising, I've been stewing over people I feel have wronged me, and life cards I've been dealt.
I was letting myself swallow me up again.
Getting stuck in my brain, and not allowing myself to move forward.
Someone said in a meeting tonight that every time they get a bit uncomfortable in life, they know they're not doing the things they need to get better.
That's exactly what's been happening. I'm not making moves to live a better life. I shifted some things (quitting drinking, working more), then sat in it again... Which is what gets me into trouble in the first place.
I know, for me, that I need to start with routine.
After the routine is down, I can start adding things. A class, or a dinner club..
Then, I need to start working steps in this program that I've been so strongly opposed to.
I thought, "I can't have this be my life now. Not this. I don't want my life to look like that."
As if my life before AA was this cool thing. I was so effing cool.
I could drink anyone under the table.
I was saccharine sweet, and sh-t-talky mean.
I was sarcastic, and funny, and popular.
Oh, I had a million friends, all right.
A million friends because I had the money, and the coke, and the endless rounds of shots for everyone.
I've been holding on to that, some place in me.
That identity I had.
I still think, in some ways, that what was happening for the past 20 years was a good time.
I seem to block out the countless people I brought into my bed, the people that forced themselves there, the endless sprained ankles, wetting myself in public, falling down, almost knocking a tooth out, losing thousands and thousands of dollars over the years, the smoker's cough, getting locked out of my house in 10 below weather with a skirt on and no panties at 4am in a terrible neighborhood, getting fired from jobs, never developing any kind of mature romantic relationship, coming to my niece's birthday late and drunk, hugging her drunk, or smelly and hungover.. The list goes on, and on, and on, and on..
I think about regret. And how I never really understood it as a drunk, because I had never taken responsibility for anything.
In my head, I keep thinking that I have done this somehow.
Yet another failure.
This mentality that, "GREAT. Now you have to spend your life doing this other crap, because of all the crap you did before it. Look at you now. You're weak, and sad, and now a sheep in some weird culty group that wants you to drink the kool-aid."
Look. It's become apparent to me that for some reason, I'm different. I can't drink socially. I think in a weird effing way. I hold resentments long and hard, and try to numb it out with anything possible. I cannot see past myself sometimes.
I like to think that my grief brought me here.. That grief made me an alcoholic.. But it's simply not the case. Something inside of me makes me an alcoholic. Other people grieve, and can have that farewell cordial for a loved one, then move on..
I'm different. And that's okay.
I just have to be conscious of it, and take steps to recognize what my head is doing. To talk it out more.. (something I still don't do in meetings)
I need to go to more meetings, and build a new life.
In short..
I need to start doing some work to be a better person.
And I'm going to start that today.
Thanks for being a safe place for me to say all of this.
And thanks for all of you that encouraged me in the past week to do more.
Cass
Phoenix.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Brew.
Posts: 117
I just wanted to share this poem, too.. On the matter of regret. And talking it out.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Casmasta 
Look. It's become apparent to me that for some reason, I'm different. I can't drink socially. I think in a weird effing way. I hold resentments long and hard, and try to numb it out with anything possible. I cannot see past myself sometimes.
I like to think that my grief brought me here.. That grief made me an alcoholic.. But it's simply not the case. Something inside of me makes me an alcoholic. Other people grieve, and can have that farewell cordial for a loved one, then move on..
I'm different. And that's okay.
I like to think that my grief brought me here.. That grief made me an alcoholic.. But it's simply not the case. Something inside of me makes me an alcoholic. Other people grieve, and can have that farewell cordial for a loved one, then move on..
I'm different. And that's okay.
The solution is in the steps. I love how this guy describes the program.....He was one of the original 100 that got sober before the book was written. They hadn't even broken down what they did into steps yet....I love the simplicity.
I've Never Quit Being Active
by Clarence Snyder
A.A. Grapevine, November 1999
On February 11, 1938, I had my last drink. I was a chronic alky, and through a long, involved miracle, I met my sponsor, Dr. Bob, one of our co-founders. He put me in Akron City Hospital, where I met the alkies who had preceded me in the Fellowship.
Fifteen months later, I organized the Cleveland, Ohio AA group. The activity in the Cleveland area was hectic. I spent practically all my time obtaining and following up on publicity for AA, lining up cooperation with civic and church groups, hospitals, and courts, and helping new groups to start.
So what do I do now, thirty years later? I have never quit being active, although my position in the Fellowship has modified over the years. I attend an average of two meetings per week, when I am home. I am also asked to speak at various groups. In addition, I am invited to take part in numerous group anniversary programs and AA roundups around the country (and sometimes out of the country). Many people call upon me for counsel and advice on both personal and group problems. I have an extensive correspondence, since I have made so many friends in AA from coast to coast. Once in a while, I sponsor someone. Cases where about everything has been tried, by everyone else, often wind up in my hands.
I have not found the program to be difficult, and I maintain that if it does seem difficult for anyone, he is not doing it "right." Certainly, when I came to this Fellowship, I was in no position or condition to handle anything difficult! I kept things simple. But I must add that when I first began I was well sponsored.
I took measures now summarized in the first nine Steps of the program: admittance of need (the First Step), surrender (Second through Seventh), and restitution (Eighth and Ninth). Having done this, I no longer had a drinking problem, since it had been turned over to a Higher Power. Now I had - and still have - a living problem. But that is taken care of by the practice of Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. So I don't have to be concerned about anything but a simple three-step program, which with practice has become habitual.
Step Ten enables me to check on myself and my activities of the day. I have found that most things disturbing me are little things, but still the very things which, if not dealt with, can pile up and eventually overwhelm me. My daily checkup covers good deeds as well as questionable ones; often, I find I can commend myself in some areas, while in others I owe apologies.
Step Eleven is done after my daily inventory. I usually need the peace resulting from prayer and meditation, and I do receive guidance for my life and actions.
Step Twelve, to me, does involve not only carrying the message, but extending AA principles into all phases of my daily life.
I learned long ago that this is a life-changing program, but that, after the change occurs, it is necessary for me to go on making the effort to improve myself mentally, morally, and spiritually.
This is my simple program, and I recommend it to anyone who wants a good life and is willing to do his share of helping.
C.H.S., St. Petersburg, Florida
Phoenix.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: The Brew.
Posts: 117
Thanks, Sapling..
You were one of the people that encouraged me..
And if I being honest, I directed some anger in my heart at you for it..
I don't like being told what to do.. Even when I'm asking.
Funny how that works, isn't it?
You were one of the people that encouraged me..
And if I being honest, I directed some anger in my heart at you for it..
I don't like being told what to do.. Even when I'm asking.
Funny how that works, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Casmasta
Thanks, Sapling..
You were one of the people that encouraged me..
And if I being honest, I directed some anger in my heart at you for it..
I don't like being told what to do.. Even when I'm asking.
Funny how that works, isn't it?
You were one of the people that encouraged me..
And if I being honest, I directed some anger in my heart at you for it..
I don't like being told what to do.. Even when I'm asking.
Funny how that works, isn't it?
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
[QUOTE=Casmasta;3630426].
I don't like being told what to do.. Even when I'm asking.
I am the same way)
Thank you, Casmasta, for your post.
And Happy Birthday!
I don't like being told what to do.. Even when I'm asking.
I am the same way)
Thank you, Casmasta, for your post.
And Happy Birthday!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 304
Happy Belated Birthday! I appreciate your honesty and think you are going to be just fine. I to am going to AA.Just starting. I would like to be the one that can hang out with my kids and have a few beers or wine but like you,I can't.Kinda sucks but,well,here we are. But..we can and will do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by pooky
Happy Belated Birthday! I appreciate your honesty and think you are going to be just fine. I to am going to AA.Just starting. I would like to be the one that can hang out with my kids and have a few beers or wine but like you,I can't.Kinda sucks but,well,here we are. But..we can and will do this!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
I would put the steps at the top of the list of things to do. Its easy to get caught up in the thinking of "First Ill get my life back in order, then Ill do these AA steps" when in reality its the steps that are going to get our lives back in order.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by bbthumper
I would put the steps at the top of the list of things to do. Its easy to get caught up in the thinking of "First Ill get my life back in order, then Ill do these AA steps" when in reality its the steps that are going to get our lives back in order.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scottsboro, AL.
Posts: 81
Someone told me that I should go to AA more often and it will help keep the anger and frustration down. Havent tried it yet but it cant hurt. Hope your birthday has something special about it this time. Being sober will be a big part of it. I hope you are rewarded with something special happening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by Lyingdog
Someone told me that I should go to AA more often and it will help keep the anger and frustration down. Havent tried it yet but it cant hurt. Hope your birthday has something special about it this time. Being sober will be a big part of it. I hope you are rewarded with something special happening.
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