forabetterlife

These past (almost) 2 months have been truly eye opening, and I finally feel like I am growing and making some really good changes with myself and my life, both inside and outside. But I had something happen at work today that really challenged me in many ways. I felt treated and thought of unfairly and with no justification and given the situation and type of career I am in, there really isn't much I can do about it excpet develop some thicker skin and try not to let it bother me so much. But it made me frustrated and hard on myself, always wishing could "be" and "do" better, and it just gave me an overall bad feeling about things. Normally, I would just want to come home and drink it all way, and then blame everything on my drinking or just ignore it all. But having to deal with it sober is a whole new world.

Then to top it off, I got a phone call from my ex who I had been waiting to hear from him. But what he had to say was terribly disappointing and just a huge reminder to me of the reality of our situation. I'm still very much in love with him, and have basically given up on trying to stop loving him or even on letting him go. I just still have hope for us, and he continues to give me those glimmers of hope to hold on to. Anyway, today felt like one big slap in the face after another. A perfect excuse to drink. But of course I'm not.

I think I still delusionally believe that all of my efforts and successes with sobriety should pay off in some big way. I know life is just life, but I have always believed in karma and you get out of life what you put into it. I guess I thought that everything would just change once I stopped drinking..I'd become amazingly better at my job in every way, I'd lose weight in leaps and bounds, I'd live happily ever after with the man I love, money would start flowing freely...... what was I thinking???
Believe me, I can't express enough the beauty in feeling confident again, in waking up sober, in wonderful nights' sleep, in gettings accomplished, in knowing that I am doing right by my children, and to finally, finally not feel constant shame and guilt. But now I think Im feeling some self pity...kind of like a martyr...and when is it my turn for a break in life?

I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that this is a journey, and I need to practice some patience. It's just been a trying day, and I think I just need to crawl into my bed and have a good cry. Thanks for reading/listening.....

trikuza

Stick with the sobriety, things will look up. And make sure that x of yours isnt just trying to play mind games!

ru12

Hang in there. I sure hope you have a better day tomorrow.

misterritter

I feel the same way sometimes. I also need to keep reminding myself that this is all a journey and I should enjoy the good and the bad as the journey goes on.

Sorry you had a rough day, and you are not alone in that. There are plenty of rough days to go around. Hope you have a good run until the next one.

Anna

Yes, life still goes on and sometimes it's not what we want all, and all we can do is to deal with it. Clearly stopping drinking is making you feel better about yourself, and you can recognize that a tough day is just a tough day. I also think it's important to remember that things will always work out as they 'should', but not necessarily the way we want.