Weasel1966

I have experienced prejudice before. I am a white middle aged and class guy from Italian decent. You would think in America that I might find the path a bit easier. But I will never know if I truly do because I will not have come across the prejudice in a blatant way.

But I have. I am gay. I have met people and when they asked the simple question of are you married I answer with a honest reply. After the big reveal they have literally walked away from me.

Granted that's their issue for sure. But no human can experience this and be left with out something of a negative feeling. And certainly it did for me.

What's my point with such a inflammatory title and commentary?

Have you ever felt prejudice due to being an alcoholic? Or drug addict?

I was speaking to my sponsor this morning. He told me my demeanor changes when at the meetings. That I give off a "don't talk to me attitude". I do. I know i do. But it's a defense mechanism. It's my way of making people not ask me questions about my personal life.

Clearly I am the loser in this situation. I put those off I could really get along with and share common experiences with. To both our benefits.

I am going to go head first into my meetings. No walls up tonight or any night for that matter.

I will not put myself out there half way. Because that will only get me a quarter of the way.

It's time for me to stop being prejudice against my own self. For being who I am. For being a drunk. For being a drug addict. For so many things I hold myself unrealistically accountable to and for.

If I am going to be humble before alcohol then I must also be humble for the entire experience.

It's not easy for someone like myself to allow anyone to tell me anything. But letting down the walls is a good first step.

Let me allow people in and by doing that I know I will be able to shut out drinking and drugs for good. Because my heart will have no room left for them with all I will gain.

K

Mark75

That's pretty awesome insight there Weasel, I wasn't able to experience that realization until a lot later in my journey than your own.

Your post helped me this AM, thanx.

MrsKing

Yes... I've felt as though people have judged me many, many times. If I think a little deeper about it, though, I realise that generally I am wrong - I am judging myself through the way other people are acting, probably even completely fabricating what they think based on my own opinion of myself... looking to find the negative in other people's faces/actions and believing that they are thinking badly of me, etc.

What I'm trying to say is that how you feel about yourself is far more important than what others actually think about you. There are people who feel so good about who they are, so positive about everything they say and do that no amount of hints from others that their actions are wrong will make any difference.

You can only ever know for certain how YOU feel about YOU. We never really have any true idea about what others think of us. Even when they tell us it may not be a true feeling. Try not to spend so much mental energy on others' opinions of you. I've learned the hard way that spending too much time dwelling on what I think others think of me usually winds up with me behaving in ways that are definitely not true to my self. Not to mention that we can spend far too much time and effort on how the world sees us, when what really matters is how we see ourselves. If we don't view ourselves in a positive light and have respect for our beliefs and those traits that are fundamental to who we are, then how can we expect others to?

MIRecovery

For the first time in my entire life I believe I am compfortable in my own skin. I am a slightly over weight, 56 yr old, white male, alcoholic. I am what I am but everyday I try to be a little better. I like what I see in the mirror and that is the most important part.

My sponsor used to tell me, "It is none of your business what others think of you." It took a long time to understand this but I think I finally do. It simply means you are doing your best to be the best you can be. If others have a problem with that then it is not your problem

dSober

Yes, it's been my experience, ouside of meetings mostly, that "The drunk is always wrong".

Natom

Very very occasionally I have felt that someone was acting a bit off with me because I am a recovery addict. However I tend to find the opposite of it. I'm proud to be a recovering addict. A lot of new people I meet never find it an issue and actually seem to be incredibly interested in me because of it. Not saying if that is a good or a bad thing but it is definitely better than being verbally abused or something.

PaperDolls

Judgments happen every day all day no matter where we are. Humans do it often. I'm guilty of it. Sometimes we do it to protect ourselves, sometimes we do it to make ourselves feel better.

For me, I've found that accepting the fact that people will judge me and having the attitude that it will not affect my serenity has helped. My feelings and reaction are up to me. The fact is, not everyone will like me. Today, I'm ok with that.

firestorm090

Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for just being human, warts and all.

Weasel1966

Thank you for the comments.

This is really an Ah Ha moment for me. I cannot ask for help and push people away at the same time and expect results.

I knew I did it but when something is pointed out its different. I am grateful that my sponsor was astute and willing to call me on it.

It really is how I feel about myself that people see first. It's what I wear everyday that matters. Drinking certainly beat that up in me but did not count me out. That's what's going to make this work for me.

K

Vall

Just do it dear Ken, you can Ken ;>...if you want it, you will get there.

Don't ever think about what people think about you (I don't anymore!) but do it because it's what you want, who you want to be.

How about planning a trip for yourself to celebrate your sobriety -for you and your partner to I don't know where... Paris or London? (you would be welcome to come here for high tea too :>)

I wish I had a magic wand to help everyone get what they want, where they want to be in life.

x

choublak

There's a lot of ignorance out there about alcoholism/addiction...ideas of what an alcoholic is "supposed" to look like based on movies and TV. Aside from which, the term "alcoholic" within the "community" of alcoholics and their loved ones, is used very loosely, from what I've seen - like, you say you're an alcoholic, but you don't drink anymore. To a lot of people, the word "alcoholic" used by itself means the person is drinking/drunk all the time. If that makes any sense.

FreeFall

Ken, I find keeping things light when I meet new people is the easiest way to start to build a friendship. Once you have a few laughs and get to know them a little better you build up the trust and can share more personal things. Being open to meeting people at AA doesn't necessarily mean having to open up entirely righ away. You can be real and authentic without sharing everything. Everyone there has the same issues so they're not going to judge you.

We all have labels for ourselves, most of them negative. Maybe it's time to drop the labels and all their baggage and just exist in the moment.

Sapling

Sounds like you found a good sponsor.....It's wonderful to have someone like that working your fifth step.....Mine was spot on!

Weasel1966

FF,

Lets follow your scenario out to its fullest. I meet someone at AA. Normal conversation to get to know someone includes are you married? Kids? Things my age group all have and an easy ice breaker for many to discuss.

If I follow your logic I would say what? Lie until I am comfortable? Deny who I am?

These are innocuous questions that a gay person has to face and instantly decide do I say what's true or lie.

I never lie about those things. But opening yourself up to that and deal with trying to adjust to being a drunk and get better is a bigger load than a straight person walking in and does not have the compounded judgment.

All I am saying is that yes. Lose the labels and live in the moment. But that comment is spoken from a point of view of never having felt the anxiety of what happens next. Being rejected to your face makes you not want to do that again.

Sorry for the rant. But ....I don't know.

K

zanzibar

There is a lot of predjudice in the world, and I would just as soon like to see it all go away. Personally I couldn't care less if someone is gay, bi, transgender, black, white, purple, pink, or a one armed clingon with yellow polkadots and 10 husbands and 10 wives. As for myself I've experienced people not liking, or trusting me when I was drinking, but not really predjudice, but have received nothing but respect for stopping. But I can well imagine that happens too. Some people just have no understanding that everyone has a right to be part of this world.

bloss

Ken:

It is hard for me to be open to help too and I put up "walls".

Rejection hurts, seems like some people feel it more. I can't be in anyone else's "shoes" but my own. So, the forms of rejection I have experienced are different and unique to myself, as are your's. I can relate to one thing, it does hurt to open up on different levels and be treated badly. Something happened to me years ago in a meeting, a meeting that was supposed to welcome all those who desired to stop drinking. I qualified, after a time I relapsed. I went to share about this and a person, got up, moved places and said to my face: "I don't want to sit by you, it might rub off on me" Oh, my, I thought I was going to die, my face turned red, my eyes teared up. Anyway, I started holding things in and it took a while to be ok and realize the person had problems and everyone didn't feel that way. Still, to this day, though I try, it still hurts. I guess we just have to keep trying to open up and do our best day by day.
Take care

Weasel1966

Thank you bloss. You expressed it perfectly.

I will get past this part of things.

I never consider being gay would factor in this. And essentially it doesn't. But in some strange way it is helping me with accepting many things.

This is a blessing. One I will not waste. One I will not squander like I have the many years I let go by. I am happy to embrace this change. Just have to adjust.

K

Mark75

IDK... Seems you might be over thinking this... "I'm not married" is all that's often required... "I'm in a relationship" seems satisfactory if they push... Going into your sexual orientation from the outset is no more appropriate or necessary for you as it for me to confide that I am hetero...

Maybe you have this awesome opportunity to get your head around all of these issues in a healthy, affirmative.... and, uh, sober... manner. You can't drink drink these feelings away, which may have been how you were dealing with them... now you can do it right!!!

renaldo

How naive I was when I was younger! I had a therapist who said that an alcoholic can be from any walk of life. I said that I was under the impression that an alcoholic was like those old stumbling unkempt bums in ratty trenchcoats on the street with a bottle in a brown paper bag. How wrong could a person be?

I met a guy at a meeting. The place was right around the corner from where he grew up and he used to see the folks coming out of the meeting and say to himself, 'you people are screwed up.' Then he found himself in the same fellowship when he got older.

Medical doctors probably tiptoed around the issue with me longer than they should have. Why else should my liver enzymes be constantly elevated in every blood draw I've had since I was a young adult? Duh!

Doctors also have to tiptoe around the weight issue, saying something like: "if you can lose some weight it will be a step in the right direction," rather than, "if you don't lose 100 lbs., it's going to lead to all kinds of health problems and you could die prematurely." (Think Ariel Sharon. Oh yeah, he's not dead. He's been in a coma since 2006).

Back when I had health insurance with an HMO, I had a primary care physician and in the nicest way possible, she said, "You're an alcoholic. You can't drink. It's going to kill you. You're a really nice guy. I don't want to see that happen. I care about you."

I saw a doctor yesterday at a free clinic for complications that I can only assume are from drinking. You never know which doctor you're going to get there, and my former primary care physician from the HMO volunteers there. I thought, 'Oh God, this is so embarrassing. What if I get her? How am I going to explain myself?'

I felt like a little boy who has been told repeatedly not to go into that old deserted house down the street because the floorboards are rotting and might give way and I might get hurt. And yet I keep doing it again and again.

Well, turns out she was not volunteering that day. After explaining my daily routine in all frankness to the male doctor I got, he said, "you're an alcoholic." That moniker used to ruffle my feathers, but after this many doctor visits, I would have to be pretty tenacious in my denial to take offense at the conclusion.

I'm waiting for a callback today about setting up an appointment for a referral for detox and rehab.

I was a "normal" high school and college student. In fact, in high school, a number of my classmates would go out and smoke dope at lunch break or between classes. I never did that once. In college I partied just like everyone else and still made A's and B's. A fair share of my peers did worse. In terms of a predisposition to continue to the point of health problems - there was no discernible difference.

PaperDolls

The thing is .... you don't have to 'confide' to anyone that you are hetero .... most assume everyone is.


Being a bisexual woman in the middle of Kansas, I understand how twisted up this stuff can get. I don't care what anyone things of me but .... what if this, and what if that .... I never thought my sexuality had much of an impact on my alcoholism and my ability to get close to people but the more and more I grow in this program, I realize it did.

The thing is, this doesn't have much to do with sexuality but more about our ability to be ourselves, truly, and be ok with it and feel safe. I think we all have a fear of being judged.

Someone else here said it, for the first time in my life I actually feel comfortable in my own skin. Talk about freedom! For me, I'm sure most of these feelings go to the fact that I lived my life as a dedicated codependent. My happiness depended on your happiness .... ugh, I'm so through with that crap.